Things I Don’t Think About

How different was life before reality, when there was no worry at all. When there was no uncertainty of tomorrow and there was only the carefree now and then.

There was no need to prepare with any overexertion, it was just to go straight to bed to rest from nothing but living fully. A fullness that was due to nothing but nothingness, the nothingness of the happiness of the beginning. A kind of happiness that you don’t notice, the kind that you can’t notice because it’s so habitual that you think it will always be that way.

The point of this banal writing is; to wake up to the fact that sooner or later we wake up from that finite time, from which we reach a moment when we didn’t even think it was going to end. That awakening is to grow up and to begin to know that this usual happiness has an end, just like almost everything else in the universe.

You wake up and find out that you are no longer the same as before, that you have changed and throughout your life, you will continue to do so. Impressively, even if you wanted to, you will never be the same again. We realize the eternal becoming.

Now your reality is this one that shows you that life is not easy, that practically everything that happens to you is entirely your responsibility. It doesn’t matter if you don’t find your ideal career if you don’t get a decent job, let alone try to live peacefully.

Everything that happens to you and you make of your life is for you. There will no longer be anyone to back you up as mom or dad did, no one to come and ask you if you are okay because everyone is looking out for their own good before the good of others. Sounds like an individualistic world. As the word itself says, you are on your own. By that simple fact alone, life becomes complicated.

There are opportunities, but you don’t know where they are. What comes easiest is the misfortune of internalized failure. A feeling of self-created emptiness because of a strange worry that floods your every day. The worry that everything will turn out the way we want it to, but the reality is that almost nothing is the way you expect it to be. So you resign yourself and continue to live your life in a conformist way.

You come home from work and you want to do what your own will tells you to do, although thinking about it for a while you forget what it was you liked, you only remember that you had a pending job and that your bonus depends on it because with what you get paid every two weeks is not enough for the rent and you still have to do next week’s errand. Then you start and what’s left of the day you continue to dedicate to your job as if you didn’t have a life.

But you have lost it, you are no longer someone immersed in work-win-lose for the rest of your days. You are someone who, as if you were programmed to just do things for the sake of doing things, that’s all. You never think, you just do, you just “live”. There is no time to reflect, to de-stress, to rest, to eat properly, to read, to cultivate, to be distracted, to get lost, to walk, to listen, to stop, or even to be bored.

You completely forget that there is such a thing as deep boredom; because you don’t think, you just do. And if you were to think, the only thing you get is something worse than feeling empty: sadness, a gradual, soft, and silent fall into depression.

That is why the state of ignorance is better, like a deer that, if it knew that a lion was waiting for it in the undergrowth to stalk it, would never come out of its shelter. However, the deer comes out because part of its survival is also to eat. Unfortunately, whether the lion hunts him or not is beyond what the deer can do for himself. You are the deer and the lion is the rest of the world and everything around you. Most circumstances you may find yourself in are out of your hands and there is nothing you can do but follow. Life just calls you to live it.

Maybe everything I mentioned is better left as it is, without analyzing it. It's better not to open your eyes, because once you either resign yourself or do something about it, something that can change your situation, but when you see that there is not much to do you also resign yourself.

“What can I do?” You ask me.

I answer “Nothing, it’s better not to think about it”

What can I tell you? After all, what we have left is to live for the sake of living. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing the same thing for the rest of your life, even if you don’t like it at all or not at all.

All of that and more are simply things I don’t think about.