Them: Error—There Are Gaps. Me: So.

They were necessary. Every last one of them. Not a huge amount by any stretch, but I never thought I’d have to explain and justify them until the end of days.

The invasive stuff that becomes a norm accepted. But I don’t. In fact, I hate it. To say that certain earth inhabitants agree with this might be an overstatement, we just comply.

Red flags and error codes with warning lights.

Committed a crime?

You’d think so. Because wanting to know where I’ve lived for the past ten years is one thing but this obsession with no gaps in education or employment without explanation, in addition, wanes thin when repeatedly completing documentation for it only be recorded then deleted/not deleted as a repetitive societal exercise in futility for posterity's sake.

I mean, I get it. Background checks. Police checks. Legal checks. ID checks. Check checks. There is no room for any undocumented part of your existence.

None.

A tad excessive?

Methinks a lil’ bit.

Where were you from March to April 2018? What were you doing? Why? Is there evidence of that?

No?

You’re categorically screwed!

I guess I should mention a smidgen of backstory. Cancer is my astrological sign. Yeah, the crab species that values private existence in a hole away from the prying eyes of people who wonder if those subphylum Crustacean arthropods are doing something undocumented and illegal in there.

I get it that there are some off-the-wall-sick puppies in the world, however, if they too submitted to checks and still did some ‘ish,’ I’d say those ever-present checks ain’t done diddly to prevent that happening. I’d say you need better screening methods since there have been unscrupulous government/religious/community leaders and politicians getting through your checks without a problem for ages.

Of course, I understand that you can’t confirm I’m not some sordid embezzler, kingpin drug lord, murderer, or psychotic vagrant until every last gap is filled in on my residential addresses, education, and employment but I am one who is straight-up legit (like many others) and exhausted with a system that doesn’t give brownie points for being straight-up legit. No frequent flyer mileage for being a goody two-shoes? So, forgive (or don’t) the mischievous, fed-up, sarcastic crab part of me that wants to give the following fictitious responses instead:

I cannot provide an address for that time period because I was in the witness protection program.

As the only independent insider who had covert knowledge involving Partygate at #10 Downing Street/the state-sponsored Russian doping scandal/season finale script of the American sitcom Big Bang Theory, I had to be escorted under heavy police guard to a secure undisclosed location to prevent corruption of due process by the high probability of subversive political/corporate bribes in search of abrupt loss of long-term memory or selective mutism for huge mysterious gains in my bank account.

Nope. Black-out windows.

Not even I knew where I was, so how could I tell you?

It was a dream come true for me to begin university but guess I woke up when I realized the ridiculous amount being charged for tuition and fees and said “Aww, hells to the no!”

Intentional gap with extreme disgust.

When they stop treating students like guaranteed revenue streams and teach without consistent eternal PowerPoint, I’ll be back.

Employment history dates are classified.

No, you don’t have the necessary clearance level for access.

Save your breath. You’ll never guess.

Pushback and pandemonium resulted from my second last employer when I had to semi-hibernate through winters

I did ask for a flexi-schedule to accommodate my availability.

Yes, before I signed the contract.

I believe a misunderstanding lay at the root of the ensuing chaos.

Was I still seasonally employed? What did HR send by way of documentation? Were the guys in payroll citing work-related hypertension from all this?

Fact: I put out my availability with a non-negotiable caveat regarding icy temps after Winter Solstice and BAM! Employment offer given and accepted.

*Whispering* I think inadequate staffing levels at the time spooked potential company financial investors.

I only know that when my pay rate reduced again after winter number two, there was nothing left to discuss.

I couch-surfed for a 2 months

No address. No reason. Just something I wanted to try really—you know, to say I’ve done it. Initially, an adventure living life on the edge. A 48-hour thrill ride. Didn’t like it. But at least now I know.

The honeymoon to end all honeymoons happened

We scrimped and saved for 2 years. Six months of uninterrupted adventurous bliss!

Documentation??? Don’t even!

You do understand the concept of a honeymoon, right?

I went up Mike’s

Every country has its euphemistic lingo.

This was ours:

Gone Mike’s for a milkshake. (An oldie but goodie.)

No one named Mike and no actual milkshake involved.

In other words, the destination location is none of your business.

What a relief to renounce all worldly possessions and pledge my life as an ascetic

Specifically, the Brahmakumari Temple in New Delhi. It felt like a second fresh chance at life.

I performed morning puja and cleaned grounds in the temple compound daily. I washed dishes in the kitchen, helped cultivate the community garden, and chanted soothing mantras aided by mala beads. A lot of hard labor involved from early mornings with huge social adjustments but so worth it. Listening to local gurus during satsang became pure enchanted bliss.

Beyond the realm of every adjective known to man, it was freeing!

Why did I come back?

Unexpected death of an immediate family member—no others could assist with probate.

The culture shock was in the return!

You can list Sanatan Dharm Mandir, Janakpuri as my home and employment address from August 2013 until May 2016 but I doubt you’d get a work reference out of them. They’re too chillaxed for that stuff.

I know-I know-I know! You probably hear all the time about alien abduction…

But I, hand-over-dark-heart, did get snatched away by freakishly cool life forms, who through bizarre moisture-laden continuous high-frequency translated communication, specifically outlined why no one should have to pay taxes for the rest of life on earth. The time-space continuum thing makes the whole episode screwy to pinpoint time parameters. Make of it what you will. They left a pdf.

Well, as you can tell, the nasty retorts got deleted. And the remainder, I scrubbed plus sanitized with disinfectant. Mega blast with the safety engaged doesn’t quite get it when you really wanna tell someone, “Go'head and mention gaps one more time, so I can take a___________________to your___________while the leftover lima beans get_______________and then the_______is notified.”

Happy Gap Glorification Day!

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