The Truth of Being a Survivor

A few weeks ago my older brother recommended for me to start a writing project- which would be writing something small to myself every day in a journal, something good to focus on every day. While I was doing this, I came across many things which helped define the difference between acting like a victim and being a survivor. After my last article and a long late-night conversation with one of my girlfriends, I have come to the realization of what it means to be a survivor. It's more than the physical scars which heal, but still haunt us. They include the mental, emotional, and psychological scars which slowly heal also, but are just as haunting at times. Being a survivor means the struggle is in the moment. This week has been a good week and a reminder that being a survivor doesn't mean that every moment of every day is hard, but simply that there ARE moments when it is hard. In these moments, it throws you back into the memory of what happened, and you see it not like a memory but a distorted version of movie clips, and with it the emotions that occurred at that moment. You feel them again as if it's happening in the present. The important thing when this occurs is to tell yourself that it's not the present, but it WAS the past. For 6 years I have not had my oldest son living with me and when I lost temporary custody of him, I truly felt like part of me was dying and mourning for him. It has been 6 years and in all that time, I found comfort in the idea that he was at least safe with his dad and was spared the emotional, psychological, and mental trauma and abuse that we endured and survived. Tonight my heart is absolutely breaking for my son at the realization this has never been the case and he too is a survivor just like us. The pain a mother feels is not one that is easily consolable or erased. As mothers, we feel it deep in our heart and soul. It is a raw, unnerving pain disguised as a monster who is there to hurt us, ripping its way from the inside out. If we do not fight, that monster will win. If we do not talk about our pain, that monster wins. Tonight is one of the moments when it is hard and painful, but only for this moment. I know when I wake up in the morning, I will have made it through the night, I will have made it through this moment and survived. Being a survivor is a constant battle and an exhausting one at that. Some weeks the triggers and the pain can be overwhelming, while others are on a smaller scale and are easier to get through, remind yourself to breathe and find your way out of the darkness. For that is all it is: a battle being fought with a monster in the dark, and every day that we wake up we have successfully stood our ground and told that monster: "No more, I will not let you pass."

When we are strong enough to ward off that monster, to defend ourselves and keep fighting even when we feel we cant fight anymore, that is what changes us from a victim to a survivor. This is what it means to survive. I am a survivor. My children are survivors. And there are millions of us out there, who suffer in silence, or are told to stop acting emotionally-as if losing a child in ANY MANNER, is something one can easily tolerate. I can tell you from experience, it is not. For me, the fight is exhausting, but I know who it is for. I know who I fight for and why. They are my reasons to live and why I have survived so much in such a short amount of time. For those of you who are reading this and know someone who is a survivor or maybe are a survivor yourself, Remind yourself every day: You survived. It will get better with time. And you are worth more than that. You are a true survivor. Tonight I feel vulnerable and physically weak from the battle, but I intend to win the war. Tonight this is who I am. This is ME.