I am a Survivor.

I am a single mom of 5 kids. I have 2 jobs, attend studies at a university full time and am working to launch my own business. I am 30 years old and I have been a single mom from the age of 16. My children are the light at the end of the tunnel- of whom without I never could have survived what I have up until now. This is my story.

I began dating my husband in 2015. We met on a dating site and he was in the marines. He seemed sweet and had not had many previous relationships. I fell in love. He was nerdy, quiet and kept to himself. I never knew this was a big red flag for domestic violence abusers. At first it was little things, such as having to be on skype 24/7 with me and the kids. When I lost custody of my oldest and my parents divorced, he jumped at the chance and convinced me to marry him. He said it would help me heal from the pain I was in. 2 days after our wedding night, he raped me. He knew I had suffered rape at gunpoint as a teenager and had been diagnosed with PTSD as a result. He claimed the only way a woman can heal and move past being raped was to have someone she loved "rape" her so that she would know she was safe. At that moment, I knew that marrying him was a mistake. But I was too scared to leave. Being in the military, he moved us to his next duty station in North Carolina. A month after getting there, my dad was hospitalized for having 2 consecutive heart attacks. He would not let me come home to see my dad, claiming I wouldn't come back to him. I tried several times to report when he was physically abusive to us. In the process I was almost arrested and charged, with my husband flat out lying about the circumstances every time. I have placed 5 restraining orders on him, and every time he would cry and say I was breaking his heart and that he didn't want me leaving. But in none of that did he ever acknowledge what he did or apologize. When the abuse extended to my kids, I tried to leave again. But now, I had 2 kids who were biologically his and he would not let me go. Every time we argued, he became more violent, screaming at me, breaking furniture, throwing furniture at me, and blackmailing me into saying if I ever left he would call the police and claim I had kidnapped our kids. For 5 years, I lived in this fear, every second of the day. When I became pregnant with our second child, not even that kept him from raising a hand to me. He would choke me, throw me against furniture, or hit me "where no one will see.” I had lost custody of my older children because of his violent behavior and was too scared to admit to anyone what he was doing. One night, CPS came and took my 3 boys. My heart broke inside and I did truly wish to die at that point. I was scared I would never see them again. I went out to have a few drinks with some friends, to calm my nerves and to get away from him. When he found out, he drove me home, threw me against our bed railing and kicked my back and side until I was crying-and not because I was mixing alcohol with medication, but because I had dared to be in the company of his best friend (who was also male). It was maybe a week after and my boys were returned. But to drive his point home, he raped me again that night. I told him repeatedly "no" and "I don't want to". Not even when I started crying and buried my face into my pillow to cry did he stop. That was when I knew I needed a plan to leave. I made arrangements to leave within the month. But 2 weeks before my arranged time, he flipped out and started calling me a "whore" a "cunt" a "slut" who is never faithful- all because I stayed up to finish a work project. The moment he left our house, I called my parents in another state and told them I was actually scared he would come back and kill all of us. He was that angry. Within minutes, my parents had a hotel room and the children and I furiously packed up the car to drive over 50 miles to hide in another city until my parents could get to us. For 5 years, I endured mental, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, and sexual abuse from my husband.

When I returned home, I filed for divorce and a restraining order. As it stands, the judge on my case granted a permanent order of protection and I am very close to finally being divorced. My children and I have been in counseling from the moment we left. We have been free for 1 year now and it is a very long journey ahead.

There are many local services you can find. In my hometown, some of those resources are for sustaining housing, finding gainful employment, and also recommendations of counselors in your area. I have done all of these in order to move forward and to not only develop my support network, but to develop boundaries for those in my life who may not be part of my support network.

Always have hope ladies. Don't let these men continue doing these things , to you or your children. Know that there are people who care. There are those who will help you and most importantly- YOU ARE NOT ALONE.