The Tree

Alright then, I’ve decided; I should die.

I remember when I was younger, I was always taught that no matter how bad life gets you can always pull through. I was taught that even if you’re close to the edge, about to give up, someone will save you, something would change, in the end you’d come home and you’d live your life. I was taught through television, and stories, and lies. I thought it was silly for anyone to give up like that. Now I understand.

I remember waiting for a hero, someone who would see my pain, see my emptiness, see that I needed help, see me, but of course, that hero never came. Because no one cares about me, I am not the main character. I don’t get a hero to save me from myself, no one does. In the end, it just comes down to whether you’re strong enough, strong enough to fight back, to never give in. I guess I’ve never been that strong.

Even in my own story, I’m a background character. And nothing matters for the background characters, no one pays attention to them, why should they? There's nothing interesting about them, just there to add to the affect of the story. Another head in the crowd. Another worker to harvest. Another person to judge.

I sat up from bed, I’d been avoiding getting up and facing the world. But I guess that’s why I decided to run away from it today. To run away from life. Or, to end it, more accurately. Like canceling a subscription you don’t need, or want even. A subscription you never asked for.

Oh look. School started already. I thought indifferently as my alarm box displayed the numbers 2:37 in illuminated green.

I wonder if anyone will wonder where I’ve been. Probably only the teachers, not worrying, but taking attendance. I’d probably get scolded if I ever returned. Luckily for me, I never will.

Getting scolded by a teacher is scary, and they try their hardest to make it embarrassing for you. My teachers do anyway. I think they get some kind of sadistic pleasure in tearing you down. Watching people point and laugh as tears stream down your cheeks and your face gets red, while they yell and insult you. Voices and faces taunting you from behind, people who you thought were your friends, but really you were just a fool.

Some even threaten to beat you. Some do. “just a slap on the wrist" after all. They never did like me it seems. Maybe it would make them happy, that they don’t have to deal with me anymore. I guess my classmates would finally get what they wished for all those times they poured milk on my head from behind.

"Just kill yourself already! Hahahahah"

The laughing always echoed in my head. Their words always seemed to weigh on me at late hours. I hope they’re happy, I hope they feel good about themselves, that I finally listened to them. They probably thought I wouldn’t.

Honestly, I wish they would feel bad. I wish everyone would. I wish they’d all think about the times they were rotten to me for no reason, replaying each scenario in their heads thousands of times, unable to get the image of me out of their mind. I hope it makes them cry. I hope it makes them go crazy. I hope it makes them take long showers, and gives them restless nights, and makes them fall behind on school or work. But I know it won’t. I know they’ll all forget about me after awhile, and they’ll replace me with another poor girl. Life goes on without me in it.

I faltered over to my desk, opening the drawer to get a black journal in which I wrote a goodbye note to my mom. Only it wasn’t there.

I paused.

That’s … odd

Just then a soft knocking came on my bedroom door. I looked up but didn’t move or speak.

Knock knock it came again.

I staggered over to the door and flung it open. Before me stood 3rd year Rebecca Mortan, blond and skinny, in a short skirt and tight shirt, as always.

“Oh. Hey Rebecca.” I said coolly. Usually I’d probably panic, thinking I’d get bullied, but not today. Today, nothing mattered, because nothing ever will matter.

Even though Rebecca herself never bullied me (I’d never actually spoken with her) she was a “popular kid” and all popular kids are the same. Popularity is solely based on looks after all, even if you have a shit personality. Which they all conveniently do.

“Heyy, Melanie.” She replied more awkward than I. She seemed to be fumbling for the right words.

“Um, basically, I found this…” she pulled out the journal from her bag and handed it to me.

“Oh. I was wondering where that went. ‘k thanks.” I replied airily, closing the door.

She put her foot between it and yelled “HEY WAIT!”

I hesitated, not moving from position.

She popped her head through and continued “Well... if you’re gonna… y’know…”

“Oh, is this the part where you say some ‘uplifting’ sappy speech about how great life is?” I asked exasperatedly with a role of the eye.

She laughed slightly and said “no, actually, I was just hoping you’d go on a picnic with me first.”

I eyed her suspiciously then replied “alright... if it’s just a picnic, I guess it should do no harm.”

It’s not like whatever happens will affect me for long.

At the supermarket, Rebecca walked idly around while I trailed behind her.

“aren’t you going to get something? We’ve been here fifteen minutes and you haven’t even touched anything.” I asked irritated as she browsed the fruit.

“Well sure, but first come look at this.”

She ushered me over with a hand, and I leaned down to see what she was referring to.

“An apple? What’s so special about that?”

“It’s not any old apple, look there.” She pointed to a small leaf hanging from the apples’ stem.

“It’s not every day you see an apple at the supermarket with a leaf, I think it’s neat, like no matter how much life threw at it to make it fall, it still hung in there long enough for us to appreciate it” Rebecca smiled.

How’d she even notice that? She payed so much attention to something of such little significance.

She grabbed the apple and placed it into the grocery basket dangling from her arm, then proceeded forward for more produce.

“Is there anything you want?” asked Rebecca.

“Me? It doesn’t matter. Not like it’ll make much of a difference.” I replied.

“Nonsense! You may as well enjoy what you have while you have it, no?”

I guess that makes sense.

“Alright, well… in that case… I always did like blueberries?”

She smiled and said “then blueberries it is!” marching over to grab a punnet.

How nice of her… to think of me.

We grabbed a few more items before heading to the checkout: bread, jam, crackers, and cheese. The cashier began to scan our groceries. She was a beefy woman with an 80’s Farrah Fawcett hairstyle and a tired frown on her face. She’s not the main character. There’s nothing special about her either, just another default face to fill the world with.

“I love your earrings! They’re so sparkly.”

I looked over to see Rebecca’s gaze fixed on the cashier as she genuinely adored the woman’s jewelry.

The cashier looked up in surprise as a smile bright enough to light up the room flashed on her face within seconds.

“Oohh, aren’t you sweet. I got them on sale at the mall y'know, and I only payed… ” the cashier rambled on more bubbly than I could have ever imagined her before, while Rebecca nodded and laughed politely as she listened.

And sure enough when I looked closer I saw she really did have dazzling white studs on her ears.

I looked up in astonishment as Rebecca so effortlessly changed a person around, and appreciated something so small.

How did I not notice those gems that seem so prominent now?

Almost entering her car, Rebecca grabbed my arm and said “hey look there.”

I followed her gaze to a small paper beneath my feet.

A lottery ticket? How did she spot that?

I knelt down to pick it up. Left unscathed, someone must have just bought this and dropped it here.

“Well, it’s yours now, we’ll never find whoever it belonged to.” Said Rebecca.

I thought for a second, turning it over in my mind.

“Nah, it’ll do me no use.” I finally replied.

I walked over to the alleyway behind the store where a dirty homeless man resided in his sleeping bag.

“Hey, I don’t know if it’ll do you any good, but here.” I handed him the ticket.

He looked at me puzzled for a moment, then scratched it off with his nail. His eyes lit up and he took my hands in his saying

“Thank you, thank you so much ma'am! I’ve won the lotto! I won! 20,000 dollars!”

He jumped up and down enthusiastically, and went to go cash it in as I feeling pleased with myself.

“You aren’t disappointed? You could’ve had so much money.” Said Rebecca.

With a laugh I replied “no, I think it a better prize seeing such joy from the less fortunate, don’t you?”

She smiled in agreement and said “c'mon, we’d best have our picnic now.”

She drove us to a lake surrounded by tangling trees and I helped to lay down a blanket, then she placed between us a couple small plates and silverware.

“Hey, how’d you notice that ticket? And that apple? And those earrings? I would’ve never thought to look.” I asked after a minute or two.

She smiled and spread her jam on the thick bread evenly.

“Well, some people forget to take it all in. I only saw them because I was enjoying instead of just living, seeing the detail and beauty in what's small is what life’s all about, and if you’re not careful, you can miss the most precious of things.”

I picked up the apple and remembered what she had said about the leaf. How no matter what life threw at it, no matter how slim the odds, it hung on long enough for someone to appreciate it.

“Since I know you forget, take it all in.” Said Rebecca.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of cold air. It filled up my lungs and flowed out with a relieving sigh. I could hear birds squawk at each other from a distance as the breeze blew hair in my face that tickled my nose. Goosebumps formed on my arms as my shoulders fell. The faint sound of rushing water calmed my nerves, and I felt relaxed as I let the world flow around and through me.

I opened my eyes to be greeted with a ladybug on a blade of grass beside me. It shuffled it’s small legs and fluttered it’s wings a few times before taking off.

“Here.” Said Rebecca handing me a couple blueberries.

I took them and tossed them in my mouth, the sweet juice exploding my taste buds as I ripped the delicate skin with my teeth.

I looked to the sky and saw wispy clouds drift lazily above. It was all so peaceful. A peace I had never thought to look for. A free subscription I had never thought to appreciate.

“Hey Rebecca? Maybe… maybe I should , because if I don’t, who will plant this apple tree?” My eyes felt glossy as I spoke.

She beamed at me and replied “my thoughts exactly.”

Just a few months later, a new tree sapling rose confidently in the spring, as Rebecca and I had our weekly picnic by the lake.