The Third Party

Its safe to say that in almost every break up or divorce all parties involved share some of the blame. With that concept in mind, please understand that this recanting is from my perspective, as I lack telepathy and cannot account for another's experience. For the sake of anonymity, I will not be using the real names of those involved.

Lastly, this is about one of the darkest periods of my life and I will be discussing several matters that could be a "trigger" for some individuals. As much as I would like for you to read this, if there is the potential that it would cause you harm; I'd rather you read another story.

In September of 2018, my now ex husband (we'll call him Devon) and I separated. It was very nasty. The divorce finalized in May of 2019.

We started having problems in January of 2018; most likely before that too but that's when things started getting bad. That's when we really started to drift apart and argue a lot.

You see, we had decided to go in to Polyamory on October 2017. This was only after I compromised with him; Devon wanted to be able to have another partner but I wasn't ok with that. He sprung this on me, at our favorite bar in front of the other guy, (we'll call him Jeremy) whom was his co-worker; which was the first time I was meeting this guy.

After a huge fight and me not feeling good enough for him, I compromised and conceded that we could have a third in the relationship. (Looking back on it now, that was the beginning of the end.)

Fast forward 2 weeks, and now we are officially dating Jeremy. I admit, I had started to like him and Devon liked him too, obviously. Everything was going good, we had even had Jeremy over for Thanksgiving with the family and started to include him in all of our plans.

We spent Christmas with him, he had actually put a lot of effort in to getting the right gifts for us. And we had each gotten him a gift.

Now, up to this point; Devon and I had been having small fights here and there. Normally in an argument, I end up giving in. However, much to my surprise, Jeremy stuck up for me and told Devon to stop treating me like a child.

Now, the day after Christmas 2017, things got weird. Jeremy started to distance himself from us and by New Year's Eve, he had all but ghosted us. This made for a very sullen holiday.

This brings us to the fateful January 2018. During this month, there was rarely a time that Devon and I didn't argue. Whether it be about finances, relationship, or the fact that he blamed me for Jeremy leaving. I didn't know why he blamed me for that but he did. He entered in to a really bad depression, suicidal and the whole thing. It got so bad with his depression that he needed to get professional help.

Now, I did my best to always be there for my husband. Anything he wanted, I did my best to make it a reality. But I couldn't fix this situation. There was just too much going on inside of me, my own depression, and feeling unwanted that I couldn't deal with his too.

I stayed up most nights, (pretending to sleep) just to make sure he didn't do something to harm himself. An act that he had described to me in very vivid detail as to the different ways he would carry out this deed.

So here I am, dealing with all of my own feelings, worrying about what my husband is going to do to himself, and still with all the stresses of normal life. I don't know what I was supposed to do and I still don't know.

He was still so wrapped up in Jeremy, that his Valentine's day gift to me (the first time in 7 years that he'd done anything for me on that day) was a set of framed pictures of himself, Jeremy, and I. The relationship with Jeremy had been over for almost 2 months at this point, and this just felt like a slap in the face. I had been telling him for years that I wanted to get pictures of the two of us done so we could have some photos of us around the house, but he always shot it down.

Did I take it badly? Yes. Should I have? I honestly don't know. But I smiled and thanked him for the gift. And we went about our day. Though we did not do anything else for Valentine's day that year, because he wasn't feeling up for it.

After that, we started to not really talk to each other. Probably not the best thing, as a matter of fact with hindsight being 20/20, I know it wasn't the best thing. I didn't know what to do or say to make him feel any better and as for Devon, I'm not sure if he resented me, felt the same way, or something else entirely.

I had called out of my job several times to go home because Devon had an episode and needed to not be at work. Keep in mind, this entire time he's had to see Jeremy at work but has not been able to talk to him. So, I understood that it was hard for him.

Now, jumping to March of 2018. It's his 30th birthday, and I do my best to make a big deal about it. I've reserved an area at our favorite bar, invited family and all of the friends that I know he's closest to. One of my friends that worked at the bar helped out by doing all the decorations that I brought the day before. All in all it was a good night.

Towards the end of February and all throughout March, Devon had started to go to group therapy to help to cope with everything that was going on inside his head. We had argued less and talked a bit more. March was a good month.

But I could still see the sadness and longing in his eyes, so one evening after wrestling with this choice in my head for days; I broached a topic that I would come to regret months later.

I asked him if he still wanted another partner and I assured him that regardless of his answer it would not cause a fight. Devon lit up like a Christmas tree and essentially said yes, and added right after that as long as I was ok with it.

I agreed, thinking back to the good times with Jeremy and how everything was before he just ripped himself away from us, I honestly thought that we could make it work. It wasn't the relationship type I dreamed of, but at the time it seemed like an acceptable compromise to ensure my partner's happiness.

After looking around and checking out some Polyamory sites, we ended up with two rather short dating experiences with two different guys. (We'll call them Daniel and Tyler). Daniel was semi long distance, he lived on the California coast and us in Vegas. That was the primary reason for things having not worked out with Daniel. Tyler ended up being a drunk, that I very nearly had to get in to a fist fight with when he threatened my husband. Needles to say, we didn't talk to him again.

At this point we'd basically given up on finding someone to add to our relationship. And I was honestly ok with this, but then that brings us to May 2018.

A few quick things to know, we had 4 roommates through all of this (Alan and Brandon, Tonya and Lisa). Another gay couple and a lesbian couple. Tonya was and is my best friend, Lisa was her fiance. Alan was the ex-fiance of a previous roommate of ours and Brandon was his current boyfriend. They were all like family to us. Devon and I owned our home, we had purchased it in 2016 and were paying mortgage on the place. And prior to any of this, Devon and I had a sexually open relationship. All of this will be important information to know coming up soon.

Ok, so as I said, we're in May 2018. Online I happen to come across a guy's profile that seemed pretty cool, he was nerdy like me and liked Music like Devon. So I messaged him, (an action I would come to ruefully regret like so many other choices.) His name was Loki.

Over the course of the next week, Devon and I are talking with Loki and everything is working out pretty well. He told us he was a doctor and that he lived in town but was originally from Britain.

Anyhow, we go on a few dates with this guy and everything seemed to work out very well. On the third date, we invited him back to our place and we did what men do.

But after that, he never left. I honestly don't know how that happened, but it's a fact. He essentially moved in with us overnight, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. It was the weekend and just assumed that he had it off and wanted to spend the weekend with us.

Well the weekend came and went, Monday saw me and Devon going back to work. Loki said he was heading in to work and asked if he could come back by that evening, we said sure, why not.

The rest of the month of May went by much of the same way. Loki would always find a reason to come back each night and stay the weekend.

In June, everything had pretty much fallen in to a golden rhythm where everything just seemed to work out. We were happy, the three of us. Loki had integrated himself in to our family unit between Devon and I as well as with our roommates. Though for me, somethings didn't add up, I did my best to look past them. It was towards the end of the month, that I really started to question things.

By the beginning of July, I noticed that Devon and I were always paying for everything. Every time that Loki would say that he would cover something, he would forget his card or wallet. When it came time to meet his friends, they never showed up. He kept finding excuses as to why we couldn't see his place, which was supposedly a luxury condo on the Las Vegas Strip. And Each time I brought this or anything else up to him and Devon, Loki would have some excuse and would make it seem like I was over exaggerating and Devon would tell me to stop it. I even brought this up with the rest of the house and they all basically said that I was overthinking everything.

Devon hadn't been feeling very well, and had been battling a hard core case of strep throat. Loki conveniently, was able to take time off from the hospital to take care of him. (Important fact for later)

Also in July, my uncle died. I wasn't exceptionally close with this uncle but still he was family and I did care for him. When I told Devon and Loki, Devon was sorry about it and Loki offered to let me take one of his cars to California for the services (he supposedly owned 3 luxury electric cars). Devon said that he wouldn't be able to go because he was sick. It felt weird but I dismissed it, Devon has been to 2 other funerals for my family and it felt off that he wasn't going to this one.

The day of the funeral came, and Loki wasn't able to produce the car. He gave some stupid excuse as to why that made no sense, especially because I worked for the company that manufactured those cars and I knew what he was saying was bullshit. But I didn't have time to deal with that, I had to budget out money for gas last minute to and from California. I ended up carpooling with my mother.

I came home that night, 14 hours of driving was a lot, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to go home. I arranged for my mom to come back with my Aunt the next day and I hightailed it home.

The next day is when things started to go completely South. While Loki was in the shower, I looked in his wallet. I found his ID, his name wasn't Loki, it was Richard. And so when he got out of the shower I confronted him about it. He gave me one excuse after another and was acting like I was being crazy. Devon got involved, and took Loki's side as did the rest of the house. Things just weren't adding up and I didn't understand why they couldn't see it. I couldn't understand why they trusted someone they knew for 3 months and we're totally dismissing everything I said.

August would shed some light on the situation. It turned out that while I was away at the funeral and the other times I was at work; Richard had done 3 things, convinced everyone that I was jealous of the time he and Devon were getting together, that I was making everything up, and had also subtly promised everyone brand new cars as a thank you for making him a part of the family.

I was honestly feeling like I was going crazy. I couldn't believe that all this was happening and no one believed me. I was so frantic that Devon convinced me that I needed to see a therapist. Honestly, that was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because my therapist agreed with me! He agreed that I wasn't crazy, that I was the one that was right to question everything, and that I needed to follow my gut.

This led me to question everything that Richard said or did, in front of everyone. I picked fights with him intentionally, trying to provoke him in to having a break in his facade. But somehow, he convinced everyone that I had somehow manipulated my therapist in to believing my "lies". At this point everyone in the house starts to distance themselves from me and I start to feel really alone.

Now, Devon is still battling this on again off again Strep Throat. We had assumed it was simply because he had other underlying medical conditions. Well, Richard being a "Doctor" recommended that Devon get tested for HIV. They did some home test that Richard apparently had in his bag. They both came back "Positive" and I came back negative. This was obviously devastating news, but I urged Devon to go to another doctor and get a full test done. But he didn't listen, he just took Richard's word for it. Then Richard starts giving him "Medication" for HIV. (More on this later)

September, I hate September. On September 9th, 2018 Devon and Richard went to go see Devon's therapist (I was supposed to go with them, but they decided to exclude me from it). When they came home, Devon told me that he wanted a divorce. This broke me, not only did my husband want a divorce but come to find out that he had talked to everyone in the house about it, which was another reason they had started to distance themselves from me.

((((Trigger Warning!))))

At this point I was broken, I was beaten, and I was defeated. Not going to lie, I felt crazy and there were a few times that I had a gun in my mouth; but I could never pull the trigger. But I just wanted to die.

((((Trigger Warning!))))

I was informed by Devon that I had until the end of the year to move out, that he was keeping the house and the dogs, and that I was basically getting nothing.

The next 2 months went by in a blur. I was kicked out of the house early, illegally mind you. I moved in with two of my friends, and they spent months with me trying to repair the damage that had been done to me. I asked for permission to do anything, I was not living; but merely existing. My friends, Brandon and Susan, I owe them my life; I really do and there is no way I can ever repay them.

Devon was a complete asshole over those months, forcing me to sign papers that gave him everything in the divorce and threatening me with bullshit legal action if I didn't comply. But as I said, I wasn't living; I was barely existing. So I did everything he asked, I gave up having a will for anything. I didn't plan.on being alive much longer, so fuck it let him have everything anyway. I'd literally lost damn near everything and everyone that I cared about. And in the back of my head, I believed that if I gave in to him, if I did as I was told, that maybe he would come back. Dumb and foolish, I know that now, but at the time my grief stricken heart and my clouded mind couldn't tell the difference.

Brandon and Susan were there for me, they helped to rebuild some semblance of who I once was. They stayed up with me through the long nights of crying and wanting to die. There is one night in particular that I remember where Susan stayed with me on the couch the whole night, my head in her lap as she calmed me down from an anxiety attack and helped me fall asleep. She was still there the next day when I woke up. Brandon was my ever faithful brother from another Mother, he's everything that a big brother should be and so much more. When I would be crying uncontrollably and on the verge of hyperventilating, he would envelope me in his big bear hugs and hold me. Telling me to match his breathing, as long as it took, be didn't move away from me. I literally owe them my life, they are the reason that I am still alive.

After that, over the course of the next 45 days, all of Richard's lies came to light. Turns out, he was a con-artist, and not a single thing he said was true. After I was kicked out of the house, he stole money from Alan and Brandon, had them fighting and on the verge of breaking up. Tonya had already broken up with Lisa prior to me leaving the house but I'm sure that Richard had something to do with it. And he ran Devon's credit card bills up thousands of dollars. Richard was a military drop out and a con artist with a list of victims that he left in his wake.

And most appallingly, Richard had also been stealing people's medication and passing it off as "HIV" medication. Which Devon's diagnosis was false and fake; much like the rest of what he was peddling.

Despite everything, one thing I am grateful for is that Devon was not actually "HIV Positive". And that, whatever the medications that Richard was giving him were, had no lasting side effects.

I wish that I could say that everyone learned there lesson and that Devon and I got back together and lived happily ever after, but that would be a lie.

While everyone in that house apologized for not believing me, the only one that gave a heartfelt apology was Tonya. We hugged and I'm still friends with her to this day.

Devon still wanted the divorce, and I agreed. I only agreed because I didn't know if I could ever forgive him. I was still in love him, and had he asked to work things out, I would have said yes.

The courts denied our first divorce petition, saying they wanted us to sell the house and settle that debt before the divorce was finalized. Devon and I split the money, though I believe it was only because he had to do it because that's what the judge said.

Devon ended up moving to another state, with Alan and Brandon in toe, following him like lap dogs.

Tonya stayed in town and her and I now rent a house together.

I still suffer from depression, I still miss Devon, I still hate him too. I battle with anxiety, depression, and loneliness every day. I don't know how to live for myself and do the things that make me happy, because I was focused on making Devon happy for so long. I don't know who or what I am anymore.

And if you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for listening to burden that I've carried. While I'm better than I was, I still have a lot of healing left to do.