The Stars in Her Eyes

Ava sat cross-legged in the sandbox, mindlessly kneading her fingers in the sand without purpose. It was fairly warm that day, at least for Minnesota weather, and the sun shining on Ava’s back made her feel more content than usual. The entire playground was buzzed with energy while children shouted and played.

Ava felt the judgemental glances from the other kids being directed her way. The sandbox, by social standards, was only reserved for kindergarteners. Ava was ten years old, so her playing in the sandbox by herself didn’t exactly paint her in a good light.

Fourth grade was the line between childish bliss and teenage insecurity. Everyone was going through changes, which meant that status was more valued than friendship. Status-wise, Ava was at the bottom, which meant that being friends with her wouldn't be good for anyone's image.

She didn’t care. Ava was seen as weird. Making friends was like trying to catch a cloud- essentially impossible. She had accepted that as a fact long ago, and it just didn’t bother her anymore. Well, at least not a lot.

In any case, nothing could compare to the feeling of sifting sand between her fingers. While the rest of the playground buzzed with energy, the sandbox was quiet and serene somehow. The sensation of the grains of sand in Ava’s hands quieted down the loud and bright thoughts whizzing through her head and distracted her from the loud noises of kids screaming and laughing as they played.

A curly lock of Ava’s brown hair fell in front of her face. Ava, suddenly distracted, lifted her hand from the sand and started twisting the strand of hair around her finger. Without thinking, she started to tug at her hair harder and harder, and before she could stop herself, she had pulled out a sizable tuft of hair.

Ava winced to herself as she dusted the strands of hair out of her hands. She then tucked the rest of her hair into the large, black beanie that she always wore. Pulling out small clumps of her hair was a nervous habit that she had always had. She knew it was gross, but she couldn’t seem to break that habit no matter how hard she tried. Ava just always had to do something with her hands, and that something often had to do with messing with her hair.

That’s why she always kept her beanie on; it helped keep her from pulling her hair out less. While it didn’t stop her entirely, it certainly made a difference. Whenever Ava felt the need to start plucking at random strands of her curly brown hair, she would reach up, feel the beanie on her head, and remember that she shouldn’t be doing that.

Just as Ava had picked up a large handful of sand, the school bell rang and snapped her from her thoughts. All of the kids stopped what they were doing and started bustling toward their classrooms. They forming into messy lines outside of their classroom doors, right next to where their backpacks rested against the walls outside.

They look like herds of cows, Ava thought to herself as she stood up and dusted the sand from the overalls she wore. As she made her way back to her own classroom, her lips curved into a smile as she imagined the students as cows, and the teachers trying their best to herd them into their classrooms.

Ava made her way into the back of the line to her own classroom. Her backpack was laying on the ground, far from everyone else's. It was a silent reminder that she was still an outcast. She took notice of how the kids uneasily shuffled away from her as she got closer, as if she were carrying some sort of highly-contagious disease, but decided to pay it no mind.

Ava picked her backpack up off of the ground and swung it over her shoulder. She then stuffed her hands into her pockets and restlessly shifted her feet. Her least favorite part of the day– the start of school.

The door of the classroom opened, and the friendly face of Ms. Williams appeared. She smiled, a signal that welcomed the students inside, and everyone grabbed their backpacks

Everyone poured into the classroom all at once. Ava lingered behind. Even though this happened every day, the large crowd of students still intimidated her. She made a beeline for her desk and sat down, shoving her backpack underneath her desk as she did so.

“Good morning class,” Ms. Williams stated in the same, buttery voice she always used to greet them. Ava was hardly paying attention as she fidgeted with a hair-tie that she had found inside her desk. Besides, everyone was chattering among themselves and it was hard to focus with all the background noise going on.

“Let’s all settle down,” Ms. Williams went on. “I have an important announcement to make.” It sounded more like a suggestion than a demand, which obviously resulted in the students not listening to her.

Ava inhaled sharply through her nose as she continued stretching the elastic hair-tie between her fingers. The noise started to become overwhelming, causing Ava to tense up. She hated it. She wanted everything to slow down and become silent.

All of a sudden, the hair-tie snapped in her hands. Ava flinched. A strange feeling of loneliness wafted over her. Now she had nothing to distract herself from the unbearable chatter sounding throughout the classroom.

Talking. Laughter. Occasional shouting.

The sounds all blended together in a loud jumbled mess. All of the noise weighed down upon her, making her feel overwhelmed and stressed. Ava pulled her beanie over her eyes and ears and pressed her head onto her desk, hoping that it would make everything slow down.

Then, a gentle tap on her back.

“Ava, you need to sit up.”

It was Ms. Williams. This wasn’t the first time she had to correct behavior she couldn’t control, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Ms. Williams didn’t really seem to understand her. She only criticized Ava’s actions rather than help her.

Ava huffed indignantly, but didn’t protest. Don’t draw attention to yourself. It’ll result in a phone call, and you don’t want to embarrass your parents.

She lifted her head and pushed her beanie up, taking some time to tuck loose hairs inside it. By the time she looked up, Ms. Williams was already starting back to the front of the classroom. Ava balled her hands into tight fists, pleading internally that Ms. Williams would make the noise stop.

“Sirius, Betelgeuse, Altair,” Ava murmured to herself. That was a common technique she used in order to calm herself down; naming different stars in the sky. She knew a lot about astronomy; maybe that was one of the reasons she was seen as weird.

“Everybody, please settle down.” Her voice was more firm this time, and to Ava’s relief, she finally got the students’ attention. “Please sit down, I have an announcement.”

Everyone in the classroom scrambled and seated themselves at their desks. They still talked as they did so (they were kids after all), but Ava could tell that this time they were more curious to see what kind of announcement Ms. Williams had to make. Ms. Williams usually started out the day by giving them a math problem or riddle to solve while she prepared the lesson, only ever pausing the class to make an announcement if there was something important going on.

Ava took a deep breath as a final attempt to clear the anxiety clouding her mind. She gained some composure and leaned over to unzip her backpack. Quietly, she pulled out her notebook along with a pencil and set them both on her desk. She opened to a blank page and mindlessly started to doodle.

"In case you haven't noticed," Ms. Williams started, "we have a new student here with us in class." She gestured toward the back of the classroom.

Gasps and murmurs sounded throughout the classroom. Ava lifted her head from her sketching, suddenly interested. Everton Elementary hardly ever got new students, being a small school in a small town. She turned to the back of the classroom where Ms. Williams had pointed and saw a girl with chocolatey-brown skin and black hair pulled into a ponytail. She wore a grey zip-up hoodie with skinny jeans.

Everyone in the classroom gawked at her as though she were an animal in a zoo. The girl frowned and looked uncomfortable. Ava could relate. She knew a thing or two about being looked at funny.

"Why don't you come up here and introduce yourself?" Ms. Williams offered with a bright smile.

The girl hesitantly slid out of her seat and awkwardly shuffled to the front of the classroom. Eyes trailed after her. Her nervous gaze swept over the students as she stood next to Ms. Williams.

"Uh.. my name's Kamaria," came her response. "I moved here from Missouri." She finished off her introduction with a shrug.

Kamaria... What a pretty name, Ava thought.

"Well, welcome to our class, Kamaria. I'm sure you'll love it here and make lots of friends. You may go sit down."

Ava looked down at her desk as Kamaria wandered back to her seat. She didn't want to contribute to the class's burning stares. However, she couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope, something that she hardly ever allowed herself to have.

This girl, Kamaria, was a brand new student. She didn't know anything of Ava's reputation at the school, which meant maybe, just maybe, she could potentially be friends with her.

"Alright, students, you know the drill." With those words, the entire classroom's mood shifted. Ms. Williams started scrawling a couple of math equations on the whiteboard. "Solve these problems, and then quietly read a book when you're done. And Kamaria," she added, "since you're new and you haven't been learning with us, don't be afraid to ask for help, okay?"

Kamaria gave her a slight nod, then averted her gaze to the ground.

Ava scrunched her nose at the problems on the board. Long division. Her worst enemy. Math in general was hard for Ava, but long division in particular made her want to bury herself underneath her desk.

She sighed and reluctantly picked up her pencil to write down the equations in her notebook. She stared at the problems she had written down in hopes that they would somehow solve themselves, but the numbers ended up getting mixed up in her head as they always did.

She tried to think back to what they had been learning for the past few weeks, but it was as all of her knowledge had melted and mixed together in her brain, making it impossible to pinpoint certain details. It was infuriating.

Frustrated, Ava reached her hand up to her head, only to feel her beanie and be reminded that she shouldn't pull at her hair. She exhaled sharply. She had the urge to tear off her beanie and tug at her hair, but she resisted it (as hard as it was).

Ava looked over at Ms. Williams for help, but she paid her no notice. She remained seated at her desk, typing away at her laptop. Ava let out a small groan and rested her head on her desk. This sucked.

Thus, how most mornings went in the life of Ava Sallow.

"Do you need help?" a voice piped in from behind her.

She looked up. It was Kamaria, standing just a little behind Ava's desk. Ava was stunned. Why was Kamaria out of her seat? That wasn't allowed. But then came Ava's next thought- Kamaria was offering to help her. Nobody ever did that. Maybe she really can be my friend.

Ava decided that this one time, she would disregard the rule that you weren't allowed to leave your seat to visit with someone during class. She grinned at Kamaria, about to jump and accept her offer, when of course, someone had to ruin it.

"Hey! You're not allowed to get out of your seat!" someone called. It was Alyssa, one of the prissy girls who was the main source of Ava's teasing. She never paid any attention to the rules, except for now, when it was convenient for her and inconvenient for Ava.

Kamaria seemed to shrink. "I- I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"Go sit down, Kamaria," Ms. Williams said from her desk, not taking her eyes off of her laptop.

As Kamaria walked off, Ava saw Alyssa glance over at her with a smirk. Ava huffed and looked down at her work.

"Besides," she heard Alyssa say to Kamaria, "you wouldn't want to hang around her. She's weird."

Ava was used to being teased, so she didn't normally let people get to her, but Alyssa's words stung a little. She was so close to actually making friends with someone. Somebody actually was willing to talk to her. But of course, it had to be ruined. That's what Ava got for letting herself become hopeful.

She sighed and thudded her head back down on her desk.