The Secrets We Keep

I know we all have good days and bad days. The worse day of my life came so suddenly, but I remember it so vividly. It was a beautiful sunny day. I was sitting in the park on a bench facing the street. I can see the cars take their turn at the stoplight. I can hear the children playing in the background—the birds chirping in the tree next to me. The dogs barking, people living. It was a wonderful day—the sun glimmering across my face. I can feel the warmth of the sun warming my bones. It was mid-April, spring bursting to be heard. After such a cold winter, I welcome the sun warming my body. I sat on the bench with my sundress and sandals, smiling, feeling content—pure happiness. Life is good, I thought.

I feel my phone vibrate in my hand. I looked down and started smiling at the sight of my fiancé’s name. He texted, “on my way.” Exhaling, I think my day is about to get better. Whenever I can spend time with Nathan is a dream come true. I could not have asked for a better man. He is loving and supportive. He makes me feel as if I am the only one in the world. I know I can count on him to be there for me through any and everything. He is my greatest friend, and I know we are soul mates.

Still sitting on the bench, I start to think of my wedding day. I hope the weather is as beautiful as it is today. I begin to take mental notes of the things I still need to follow up on, but after realizing I will never remember, I reach in my purse to grab my little black notebook to jot down my thoughts. I always keep the little black notebook with me. It’s sort of my lifeline; without it, I will be lost entirely.

After taking down my notes, I reach for my phone. At that moment, I hear my name being called. I know that voice. I look up and start smiling when I spot him walking up to the corner. He is waving his hand, trying to get my attention, not knowing he already has it. He looks so handsome with his brown sugar complexion, showing off his pearl white teeth. He is dressed causal in loose khakis and a polo shirt. I can see the sun glimmering off his watch. I start to think how sexy he would look in his tuxedo on our wedding day. I stand and begin to walk towards the corner to meet him as he crosses the street. What happens next turns my beautiful dream into a nightmare, and I don’t know if I can wake from it.

I notice the red light and then the okay to cross light. Nathan has the right away to cross in the intersection when he starts to walk across the street. At this time, I am standing on the other side of the street, waiting and watching. I am waiting for him to get to me. I am waiting to hold him, to hug him, wrap my arms around him, and smell his cologne that I love so much.

When he is about halfway across, I notice a car on my right in the corner of my eye. It catches my attention because it is not slowing down. I quickly double-check the lights, still the same. Nathan and a few others are still in the crosswalk. Nathan must have seen my facial expression change because the moment it did, so did his. He turned to look to his right, but it was too late. Too late for Nathan to react. Too late for me to warn him. The car blew through the red light, not even hitting breaks. One second I am waiting for the love of my life to cross the street, and the next, he is fighting to keep his.

I don’t understand what just happen. I was utterly shocked. It wasn’t until someone shoved pasted me that I snapped back. I run to Nathan, but before I can reach him, I feel someone grab me. “No,” I yelled, “get off me.” No matter how hard I fought, the arms would not let go. I don’t know who has a hold of me. The only thing on my mind is Nathan.

“Ma’am, you can’t go near him. Ma’am, calm down”, the stranger said. Before long, a police officer is standing in front of me, trying to ask me questions. I am the one that needs answers. I watch as they put Nathan in the ambulance. I turn to leave, not saying a word to the officer.

I drive to the hospital. On the way, I call my mother. I tell her something terrible just happened and she needs to meet me at the hospital. At this point, I don’t know if Nathan is dead or alive. The thought of losing Nathan cripples me. I can’t bear the thought of it. I burst into tears as I couldn’t hold them back any longer.

I finally get to the hospital, and I walk through the front doors straight to the nurse’s desk. I explain to the nurse that I am looking for my fiancé. I give the nurse Nathan’s name, and she just motions me to follow her. I followed her down the hall and into an empty room. I take a seat in one of the chairs that is against the wall in the room. The anticipation is overwhelming. Just as I was about to scream, the room door opens. The doctor walks in. Well, I assume he was the doctor. He did not have a white coat; he had on blue scrubs and looked like he was in the trenches with his nurses.

“Hi, I am Dr. Murphy; your fiancé sustained eternal bleeding. He was rushed into surgery as soon as he arrived. We did all that we could, but unfortunately, he succumbed to his injuries. I am so sorry for your loss.”

“What, no, what are you saying” I shouted. This cannot be happening; why this is happening. My mind is trying to process what the doctor just said, but my emotions are already going crazy. The door opens, and they roll Nathan in on a bed. He is covered with a blanket up to his neck. All I can see is his face. He looks as if he is asleep, but I know he is not. The scars on his face tell a different story.

The doctor is speaking again; I turn and try to tune in to what he is saying. “Take all the time you need” was all that I heard. I just nodded. I’m not sure how long I was in the room. Time seemed to stop. The door opens again, but this time it was my mother. The tears began to fall again at the sight of her.

“Mom, he is gone,” I said to her. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in. Her embrace is what I needed. I felt as if I was losing control. I told her everything that had happened. She ensured me that we would get through this.

“We have some hard calls to make, but they must be done,” Mom said. I think this is way too much for me to handle. How can I just move on? How can I let go? I know he is gone. I know I have to call to make arrangements for his body. I know I have to call his family. I know all these things, but I am not willing to accept them. Accepting them will make it real, and it just can’t be real.

I had to learn the reality of death, the heaviness of grief quickly. I know the fact that it was unexpected hits harder and differently. I now have to adapt and change my lifestyle to live without someone I never thought I had to. Grief is a different type of pain. One that hits everyone the same but different. Knowing and accepting are two different beasts when it comes to grief. I have to accept that Nathan will no longer be in this life with me.

“I can’t take this anymore; I have to go,” I said out loud. Not waiting for my Mom to respond, I just walk out of the room. I keep walking until I am outside. The sun is setting. The darkness is creeping in the sky just like it is in my heart.

I make my way to my car. As I unlock my car door, I notice a briefcase on the front seat. I was started to wonder where it came from but then remembered Nathan was carrying it when he crossed the street. The officer had handed it to me as he was trying to ask me questions, but I paid no attention to it until now. It was leather, all black. I wonder why he had it on his day off. I knew the code, we shared no secrets, so I thought. I reach down to enter the code and open the briefcase.

It was full of money and one red envelope. There was no name on the envelope. I set it aside as I wonder how much money was starring me in the face. I skimmed through, and it was $20,000. Now, I was wondering what Nathan was doing with some much cash. Confused and wondering if I knew him at all, I reached for the red envelope.

I just experience the worst day of my life. I watch the man that I love with all my being get taken away by reckless driving from someone who didn’t even bother to stop. Realizing that life as I know it will never be the same. I sat starring at the envelope, wondering that what’s inside would change things even more. Do I want to know? Can I handle what it is on top of everything else I have going on?

I placed the red envelope back in the briefcase and closed it. I don’t know what Nathan had planned, but I know my man. There was a logical reason for having this money. I started the car, but I couldn’t get myself to put the car in drive. I don’t want to go home to an empty house. I don’t want to be surrounded by others grieving Nathan. I need to grieve on my own. I exhaled, slowly trying to figure out my next move when I look again at the briefcase. What if there is something in the envelope that would change my vision of Nathan. Can I handle that? Can I accept it?

Not wanting to add anything else to my day, I put the car in drive. It was time to move on. As I drive out of the hospital parking lot, I start to think $20,000 would be a reasonable down payment on a new start at life. I slowed the car down as I reach my first red light. Nerves are getting the best of me. I reached for the red envelope. I must know what Nathan was into. I pulled out the piece of paper inside the envelope. I finally realize why Nathan had this money. The car behind me started to blow hits horn. I looked up to see the light has turned green, but I still sat at the light. Stunned, I was unable to move forward. Knowing what I know now, the accident wasn’t an accident. My new life has just taken its first turn.