The Secret to a Loving Relationship

There are a lot of things to consider when attempting to establish a loving relationship. Certainly, if two people share interests in common, it helps. It also makes a difference if they have similar religious or spiritual beliefs, political views, environmental concerns, abortion rights, and personal growth values. It benefits them if both prefer junk food or both prefer. It's easier if both are tidy or both are dirty, and if they arrive on time or late. Physical attractiveness is also important. It's ideal if they share similar views on money and spending.

However, if one element is absent, a couple may have all of these characteristics yet not have a loving relationship. All the other wonderful qualities would not be enough to keep the relationship going if this critical component is lacking.

The intention is the subject of this crucial component.

At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn about being loving to ourselves and others.

The idea that you must obtain love rather than give it might wreak havoc in a relationship.

Let's look at a typical relationship problem and see how it plays out if the two people have opposing goals. Jason and Samantha are emotionally distant from each other, and they haven't made love in a month. When Samantha suggested taking an expensive vacation, Jason fought back, causing the issue to develop. Samantha got enraged, so he gave in, and they've been avoiding each other ever since.

Samantha's goal was to have power over her own destiny. He loves her more if he does this for her, she thinks. She compares a luxurious holiday with love - if he does this for her, he demonstrates his love for her. She utilized her fury as a tool to gain control over receiving what she desired. She wishes to maintain control over the feeling of being unique to Jason.

Because of this, it is essential for him to give the correct signals. His aim is to avoid suffering. He surrendered his power over Samantha so that she would not be enraged with him. He believes that if he provides Samantha with what she desires, she will see him as a good and caring partner.

However, their conflict caused emotional distance owing to their efforts to dominate rather than love each other and themselves.

What would this have looked like if they had wanted to learn?

If Samantha's goal had been to learn, she wouldn't have gotten angry. Instead, she would have wanted to comprehend Jason's arguments. If Jason had intended to learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead, he would want to know why this particular holiday was so vital for her.

Rather than wanting to receive love or avoid harm, they would have been concerned with themselves and each other. They would have discovered what they needed to learn about themselves to achieve a win-win solution rather than Samantha seeming to win and Jason losing.

With some examination of his financial concerns, Jason may have chosen that the getaway Samantha wanted would be nice. To address his financial concerns, Samantha could have chosen a less expensive excursion. In either event, both of them would have been happy with the result.

Their love will fade when they intend to dominate rather than learn, no matter how they are similar or attracted to each other. It's amazing how quickly love evaporates when one or both individuals have the goal of domination. When both partners want to learn, it comes back incredibly fast. It is the essential element of a loving relationship. So, if you want to keep the spark alive in your relationship, keep learning!