The Sadness of a Coward

Cowards are not born, we are made. But at what point did we embrace fear as our modus vivendis and for how long are we going to choose to live under such dark vail? This article is intended for you, who fears your own shadow and feels bad for not being able to muster the courage to be yourself. With this, I intend to share what I’ve discovered whilst facing the scariest of my demons, in the hope that it will also help you as it is helping me, to find the understanding and clarity within my sad and frightened heart to become fearless.

Like everyone else, my journey in this lifetime began inside my mother’s womb, within the conditions I was conceived and the circumstances that awaited my arrival. My parents were very young and thought of marriage and children as the escape from a meaningless and constricted life. Which gave birth to a lot of expectation that when not met, it created a huge amount of resentment, anger, sadness and guilt. Yes, there was love and lots of it but unfortunately, no one knew how to express it. Generation after generation my family thought that providing food and education was proof enough of their love and care, and for that they will be forgiven. What was unacceptable was the way my father left and didn't come back when I was not even one year old. And then another man came in and taught me how to be afraid of my own shadow with violence and abuse.

For years I felt sorry for myself. Actually, I think down deep down I still do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be connecting so strongly with the desire to find a substitute to that feeling, by opening my thoughts and feelings to you. But I also think that within the pain exists the possibility for healing, courage and strength.

I believe now, that we chose the circumstances in which we are born, however fortunate or unfortunate. From our parents, their weaknesses and strengths to the place and culture around us at the moment of birth and throughout our life. Thanks to that belief, I have come to make sense of much of the pain and sadness of my past, which points directly at the promise of freedom from my own limiting beliefs that takes away the meaning of being alive.

Believing I have chosen my past empowers my present and gives meaning and hope to my future. This is more than just a cool belief that sounds new-age. I actually need to believe that life is not unfair and that everything happens for a reason. My job is to find that reason and to make the pain not in vain. Sometimes is about finding justice, other times is about forgiveness, but every time has been about finding resolution to the inner-conflicts.

I’ve been looking for the meaning of my own life since I the meaning I was givien as a child didn't make sense. The quest has taken me very close to death many times. Mental illness, addiction and disease have ravaged my body for the last 21 years, and only through finding the origins of such devastation is that I’ve been able to free myself of it. It hasn’t been easy. In truth it has felt monumental, as if I had to clear the whole world of sand by removing one tiny pebble at a time. At the beginning I thought of it tottally impossible, that’s why I tried to kill myself when I turned 35. However, at the peak of my darkness, before I died of an overdosed, a voice in my head came to my rescue. A part of me unaffected by the drugs and outside the limiting conditions of my mind managed to come through to deliver the words that would light up my pich-black reality, opening the door to the possibility of finding the courage and strength to see another day. The voice said: DON’T GIVE UP - YOU ARE NOT ALONE - I LOVE YOU.

That’s when I learned that it is ok to feel afraid and vulnerable, which is what happens right before we find courage and strength to live another day. I believe we came into this world to find our own meaning and value. But looking for validation outside ourselves will only make us a prisoner of other people’s circumstances and opinion of us. Trust me, I know, I learned the hard way this very simple lesson. Year after year of my life, I found myself walking in circles arriving after much struggle, and still frightened, at the same spot where my journey had begun... in the middle of nowhere. However, every single time I learned something new. Like a puzzle, piece by piece the big picture was begining to take form. So don't despair, and for heaven's sake, don't ever give up. One day you'll see clearly the path ahead. For the moment just breathe. Everyting will be alright.

Today I write to you hoping you can feel the power that gives strength to my words. The power that lies within each and every one of us who cry in the dark waiting for a hero to save us, not knowing that that hero lives inside your hearts.

I say this to you so I can hear it myself. You are your own hero and saviour. Embrace yourself, all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. That is the beginning of a new life, a fuller, happier, healthier life being you. Fully empowered by owning your shit and making gold out of it.

"Become the alchemist of your own life and show yourself what you are made of."

For everything else, there is Tappilini. A technology capable of assisting your transition.

Atte

@TheFearlessCoward