The real secret to the success of “Friends”

“Friends” is an iconic American television sitcom that aired on NBC for 10 years and 10 seasons (between September 1994 and May 2004) , generating over a billion dollars in revenue, winning multiple awards, and making its main cast into the household names. And its success continues to this day, with the sitcom ranking in the top 10% of the most popular TV shows on Netflix globally in 2024.

Clearly there is something special to it if 30 years later so many people still watch it on a daily basis. So what is the secret behind the popularity of this show starring Jennifer Anniston, Matthew Perry, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer and Matt Leblanc as 6 friends trying to figure out life in the heart of NYC?

There is no doubt that a lot goes into the making of a TV show, starting with the ‘behind the scenes’ creativity of a talented team working on the script and making the birth of the project possible to begin with. I imagine what follows is the work of another creative team that brings the written word to life visually, background locations and casting wise. And of course the brilliant actors that gift the characters with their faces, voices and charisma, as well as their interpersonal chemistry, which in this particular case has been compared to magic.

P.S. I am sure that there are a lot more ingredients to the process, but a) I am not overly familiar with them, b) I believe mentioning them is not essential for the purpose of this article.

However , I am very familiar with the show, in fact I am a big fan, and as a result am subscribed to few pages on Facebook that are dedicated to it. And while for the most part you see the true fans engaging in the comments, occasionally there is someone who feels it is important to voice their opinion stating that the show is not funny. While I obviously disagree, as I do find it funny, I also don’t think that is the main reason me and countless others are still so smitten with the lives of 6 young New Yorkers, three decades later.

In my personal opinion , it is the quality of the relationships displayed that is the true magic of the sitcom. Sure, the on screen relationships wouldn’t get far without the chemistry between the actors, and at the same time, chemistry is something that is a given, it is there to begin with , no effort needs to be made for the chemistry to be present (both on the screens and in real life). It is a gift from Nature so to speak, a fertile soil in which something can grow. On the other hand, what happens down the line requires an effort; even if in this case it is acting - it still involves work of a creative process that conveys a powerful message:

Good healthy relationships are what most of us ultimately want and need in order to be truly happy and fulfilled.

The relationships portrayed in the show are by no means perfect. Characters make mistakes and occasionally hurt each other’s feelings; the kind of thing that is pretty much inevitable in any kind of connection. But ultimately they do have each other’s backs, and as the title’s song conveys - ‘are there for one another’. There is a certain innocence and pure heartedness in their dynamics, as well as loyalty (for the most part)- an increasingly rare quality in the modern relationships. And I think we all want that kind of thing in our lives, especially in this day and age when the world can be so chaotic and unpredictable, and far too many adopt the attitude of ‘each man for themselves.’

There are a lot of conversations happening these days about how the dating apps have essentially ruined the romantic relationships, and how due to the illusion of a never ending choice, people became disposable. But I think this phenomenon isn’t limited to the dating world; friendships a lot of the time are as disposable. People walk away when there is a rupture, as hardly anyone knows how to repair. Which also means that we cannot exclusively blame the dating apps for our relational difficulties, it is more of a reflection of the current values of people (or lack of thereof ) , and the widespread usage of the dating apps is perhaps a consequence of that, rather than the cause.

The word ‘friend’ itself is used very lightly these days, most of us have hundreds, if not thousands of Facebook friends, yet the quality of those connections are questionable for the most part. Social media values in general are geared towards the appearance and numbers, rather than the substance of things.

“Friends” on the other hand are very clear about their values, the importance of connection permeates the show, with laughter being just one of its ingredients. In my personal experience, this show is very comforting to watch, it signals safety and connection to my nervous system, yet is also entertaining and fun.

As someone who lives in a big city, I am well aware of how additionally the logistics play into things. If two people live far away from one another and have busy schedules, meeting up can be a challenge, even if both are willing to. The stage for the “Friends” sitcom was obviously set in New York, portraying that it is perfectly possible to sustain close connections in the city. Of course most of the characters lived in a very close proximity to each other, making this particular aspect of the relationships easy.

So whether it is realistic or not , this show is like an oasis that gives hope that healthy long term relationships are possible. Whether it is just a platonic friendship, or also a romantic relationship that develops from it, is less relevant. Human connection is valuable, and can be very healing in both instances, and I think this is something that is oftentimes missing in today‘s fast paced and disconnected world. We need healthy supportive relationships in order to be healthy, we are biologically wired for connection - the safe, supportive and meaningful kind.

The problem of course is the fact that there has been so much relational trauma in the world (for some more than others), that our nervous systems develop all kinds of protective responses, and conversely do not develop the relational skills needed to sustain healthy relationships long term. As a result, for many of us the need for that kind of connection goes chronically unmet.

Friends like family, a chosen family. Especially for those of us who don’t have any family support, it can be very medicinal to observe the dynamics portrayed in the show. They really are like a family to each other, and are a lot closer to the group than to their families of origin.

Having said all that, I might be biased and perceive the situation through my own lens, and the success of “Friends“ has altogether a different set of reasons. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below!