THE QUEST ON FINDING “THE ONE”

I believe you're familiar with a kids’ song called The Hokey Pokey, the lyrics go like this “You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about” I was shook by the insane resonance between this song and every single relationship I've ever been in, well, to put it accurately, yes I have dated before and no I haven't committed to anyone so far due to cold feet. The first time I realize that I have issue committing is when I was fifteen, There was this boy and we were pretty close friends, we could talk all day about pretty much everything, he was kinda cute and when we were together there was this strong feeling that nothing could ever bring us down, magical is the only word that could describe us, sometimes I even catch myself smiling like an idiot while picturing we were together but oh boy, was I dead wrong when I got what I wished for. One day, he put on a super serious face instead of his usual goofy face and came to me, "I think I like you, not in a friend way tho" that's when I knew shit's bout to go down, I just froze as my brain stopped functioning and "f**k off" was everything I could come up with other then a cool "okay" I've been rehearsing in my all-time fantasy. Was it insecurity or nervous? I felt helpless keeping pushing people away cause the answer is NO, it was my disgust at relationship and commitment, now you can pretty much picture how all my relationships ever since that poor boy have ended. I was so close to convince myself I was asexual at some point before finding out it was just me being a classic Gemini with my Venus placement also being in Gemini. Maybe Astrology is my excuse, maybe I was simply not ready for a commitment yet, maybe I’m still learning, or maybe I’m just gonna have to marry myself, isn’t that hilarious? I always joke about marrying myself, turns out that's exactly what I have to do before entering any kind of relationship. This very idea came from a Ted Talk video I watched last night, the title of the video is called “The person you really need to marry.” I literally thought that fierce lady was gonna guide me through a “hot guy hunt” but instead of that, it's a totally different thing, which is literally marrying yourself. What stroke me even more is that most of us step into relationships without even understanding this concept, which could likely lead you into an endless self-doubt rabbit hole, with you not knowing why you keep blaming yourself for something that ain't your fault, at this point you're already deeply trapped in a toxic relation with yourself even if not with your lover, that's why marrying yourself is SO important other than sounding funny, this sounds fairly simple yet is almost too abstract for any of us to adapt. In order to marry yourself, you have to make small changes firstly, one step at a time, which means enjoying your being and adoring who you are, not after you lose ten pounds, not after you get that diploma, and definitely not after you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, just the way you are, right here right now, honor yourself and most importantly -- be generous enough to FORGIVE yourself, in the way you wanted people to. if you refuse to take my words, at lease take Bruno Mars'. You know the thing is I’m not the smartest girl nor the hottest, just a lucky one who happen to see the craziness in love and tackle it in my early 20s, I thought I was a loser who had never had any boyfriend, turns out I had already claimed victory knowing what I want and I'm grateful for that.