The Psychology Behind Self-pity

Digging deeper into the problematic shenanigans of poor self-image, we find ourselves hitting the middle road with self-pity.

Self-pity is otherwise known as the act of over-sympathizing with yourself using a kind of self-talk that has a negative aura. How poor self-image and self-pity are correlated is something to find out later down this piece.

So, this second part of this dark psychology-themed series will provide you with an insightful guide on understanding the issue of self-pity, its consequences on your romantic relationships, and ways to counter it.

Without further ado, let’s proceed with the task of asking ourselves the right questions and answering them appropriately.

Why Do We Sympathize with Ourselves?

As mentioned vaguely before, self-pity is usually a trait that’s accompanying people with poor self-image. This leads to low self-esteem which is the main force for people to act in a demeaning to their self way in general.

Our subconscious is accountable for the self-talk that happens in the mind. Low self-esteem means the self-talk gets dark and gloomy and is consequently leading to self-pity most of the time.

In general, self-pity is the type of self-talk that we use subconsciously to sympathize with our conscious mind for us to feel better about ourselves in any situation we got into and decisions we made.

When this happens it usually means that the person can’t find fault in themselves and their way of doing things and strive to justify their position according to external and uncontrollable forces like bad luck.

This tends to spiral into a need for approval due to their need for attention and affection. Low self-esteem usually makes people think they are lacking these two which in turn makes them want constant confirmation. These were covered in more detail in the last part.

A poor-image type of person, therefore, acts this way for the sake of keeping their ego intact. So, even though most of the time self-pity is thought of as a characteristic that poor and unlucky people show, it’s more possible for self-pity to be found in egotistical people.

Don’t get me wrong though, with egotistical I mean people that are just very self-absorbed and typically don’t harm others for their own sake. Exactly the type of people that tend to have low self-esteem; the ones that need confirmation from others to feel valued since they can’t do it by themselves.

What Are Self-Pity’s Consequences?

Let’s split this into two parts: the consequences it has for the self and the repercussions for other people in our lives; especially for romantically involved ones.

Firstly, self-pity is usually used so that a person with low self-esteem can “recharge” their “social confirmation batteries”. What I mean is that is used as a coping mechanism for the person in question to feel better about themselves.

The point here is not the fact that this line of thinking is harmful to the person, but that it’s actually affecting the person in the exact opposite way.

Self-pity doesn't provide power to the person that indulges in it; it draws power from it.

By constantly giving yourself reasons to sympathize with yourself and hail negativity in your mind, you won’t be able to cope as effectively with difficult situations you will find in life.

Moreover, getting all negative about external forces that are irrelevant to you and trying to escape your responsibility will unavoidably make the problematic situations increase in number.

That’s because you will only look at the negative side of things that you cannot control or change in any way.

Now, on the other side of the spectrum, self-pity negatively affects the person acquainted with you because you won’t be able to understand their side.

Your focus will be turned on getting approval about your actions and thoughts and won’t be able to understand your possible wrongdoings, all because of the need to blame everyone else except yourself.

This can ruin a relationship since sometimes the other party will be dissatisfied with something and you will not understand what it is even when it might be apparent or explained to you.

Ways to Escape This

Having seen what self-pity is and how it affects us and those around us, I will close with the 3 most effective ways to counter it.

First of all, the most difficult but most impactful way to escape such an act is by changing your perspective in life. As said before, by blaming anything except yourself you will find the road ahead to be always harsh and difficult to deal with.

You need to understand deeply that is impossible not to make mistakes sometimes and then try to embrace these mistakes, learn from them, and comprehend their pattern (why they happen, how, on what occasions e.t.c).

Secondly, by talking positively to yourself and by having a more optimistic outlook on life you will be able to not only manage to get out of the state of over-sympathizing but also prevent yourself from entering it in the first place.

That’s because you will start to find new ways to deal with the things that are brought to you in life and have the appropriate amount of power, namely patience and persistence, to get through them.

Thirdly, a great way to escape the self-pity coping mechanism is to be productive when this starts to occur. By occupying your mind with other tasks you will prevent it from focusing on creating this negative type of talk.

Practice this a lot of times and you will help your mind understand that this type of talk is not correlated with positive and successful outcomes, hence making it think that it’s irrelevant and not needed for your progress.

As it is true for everything in life, constant implementation of something makes it a habit, and habits are not easily broken. This way, your mind will not want to indulge in self-pity talk again after a certain amount of time.

We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.

- John Dryden

Final Thoughts

Self-pity is like a drug for a person with low self-esteem.

It’s supposedly needed in their minds on specific occasions and might procure a short-term fix, but it can’t ever solve the underlying issues that get them in harmful situations in the first place.

Always try to be on good terms with yourself by yourself without other people’s approval, because you are the captain of your own path. External circumstances and opinions can’t define you.

The more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.

- Epictetus

You can further support my work through Ko-fi here:

This article was originally published on Medium at Harrys Stratigakis