The Profile

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DISCLAIMER:

I’m not a relationship professional, or a therapist in any way. I’m just a man who has lived a lot of life, and made a lot of mistakes. I don’t profess that this advice is any more real or more effective than anyone else. I’m not a professional, and present this document as an Idea. As with anything I write on this or any forum, try at your own risk.

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Prologue:

This is an article that I wrote as a comment in response to a relationship advice column where a person was having a problem with their partner's apparent addiction. I find that most responders on such columns are cynics who’s every solution is to bail. “Walk away, nobody’s worth that kind of drama.” It seemed that every question about a relationship meant that there was infidelity, disrespect and nefarity. It honestly breaks my heart to see how few people actually believe in love, or second chances.

I’ve personally been in some -pretty- tough spots when it comes to relationships, and in radical honesty, I have yet to secure a relationship that has weathered every storm, though not through lack of trying. I have forgiven infidelity, and disloyalty (Very different ideas, in my opinion). I have seen every turn around in a relationship imaginable, from the doting loving partner who reveals that it was all an attempt to take advantage in some way, to the hard bitten tough who was miraculously turned around by my time and attention, but who ultimately couldn’t forgive themselves for transgressions, even though I did. I have seen sycophantic lovers who wanted to be my everything, and who could see no wrong in me, and vengeful souls who sought recompense for the hurt they suffered at another’s hands.

And in all of these things, I still retain a strong belief that there are some out there who will not break my heart, my trust or my bank, and who can stand toe to toe with, or against me for the betterment and sanctity of a healthy relationship.

Below begins my response to the initial message.

The Key here is the assessment.

First: Take a deep breath, relax and realize that you are NOT a monster. You are a human being having a common response to a common problem. Nothing good comes out of self deprecation, and auto-vilification. When you feel like you're justified in being the bad guy ("I(f27) have become a controlling monster over my bfs(m31) porn usage") you subconsciously justify your reaction to the trauma he causes, as well as justifying the way he's causing the trauma. Its dysfunctional, unhealthy and cyclic.

Assessment means that you need to gather all the information... not just all of -his- information, but -ALL- the information. His actions, your actions, your reactions, his reactions, your interactions... everything. Take a couple hours to a couple days, but be -very-... and by very, I mean unapologetically , radically and brutally honest with YOURSELF.

This means feelings and emotions are not used to justify any truths found in what you research. In this part of the exorcise, how you feel and how he feels is irrelevant. You're looking for cause (which are guesses based on possibility, and probability), and effect (what the consequences of every action is), but keep in mind, that 'FEELINGS ARE IRRELEVANT'!!!

Things that are relevant are monetary costs (What's he spending, and how it effects your relationship, and what you're spending and how it effects your relationship, regardless of who has what rights), time costs (Where he spends his time, where you spend your time, how much time you spend together, and how much time you spend apart), logistical costs (What is gained and lost due to these actions and behaviors. Missed and remembered appointments, forgotten and maintained duties, obligations and promises, Loss, and gains of passion and attentiveness (Not how it makes you feel loved, or ignored, but how excited vs how disinterested you are and how much of those things are evidenced from him. Still remember, feelings are irrelevant. ex."We used to go to bed every night at 11pm, now I go to bed at 11 and you are up till 3am". )).

Take this list and examine it... no... more than examine it, scrutinize it. Scrutinize where the list says he's wrong, and here it says you are wrong. Be extremely honest, and devoid of emotion about it. Doing this, the first part of the assessment is done when you answer the questions, and can honestly say, based on these behaviors, how he is difficult to live with, and how you are difficult to live with. This should give you a baseline of difficulty in finding a solution. Tells you, realistically, how much time and effort will be needed to, not turn him or turn you into better people, but turn your relationship from dysfunctional, to happy, loving and supportive.

NOW MOVE TO THE EMOTIONAL BIT THAT I CALL PROFILING.

Start with yourself. Be honest, and ask yourself if the person you've profiled in the previous assessment is the person you want to be, and if that's the person he deserves to dedicate any substantial portion of his life to? From the previous assessment, give yourself a label based on what you -know- (From what you found out) about yourself, what you believe about yourself and how different they are. Just a short sentence about who you really are. Something like "Sex obsessed self deprecating man child, trying to prove to the world that he's a good person." or "insecure rabble rouser, more secure with the chaos of conflict than with the solemnity of peace." or "wounded child seeking to turn my fantasy of a relationship into hard reality". (Note, my examples are not reflective of any feelings I have about you or your situation. please don't take them as anything but examples of how to word an assessment of self.)

Then do him... Again, score everything in your assessment to determine how you would profile him; the good, the bad and the ugly. Keep in mind that you are aiming for radical honesty in this assessment, not for a way to more effectively harm, troll or control him.

Use the assessment, and this profile to determine the work that would need to be done to salvage the relationship, and to see where you need to change, where he needs to change. If at any point you feel like n/eIther (Either or Neither) of you needs work, or n/either of you are troublesome in the relationship... Let go. This is a sign of narcissisms, and one of you (more probably the assessor) needs to seek professional help to be able to find resilient happiness in interpersonal situations.

The jest, and point of this exercise is to help us realize that none of us are perfect, and we all put up with each other's baggage, to some extent, even though oftentimes we don't really see our own unless we look closer. In seeing our own, though we can put others into clearer perspective. We learn that our wants and our desires are our rights and our privileges, so while they may be marching orders for us, they are not anyone else.

This means that, in a very real way, we learn our thresholds, boundaries, and deal breakers, and we become clear in what they are and when it's worth holding on... and when it's not. Sometimes the answer is that it just takes some heroic effort, because they are worth the struggle. Sometimes it's that there is no salvation because the relationship was doomed from the start. And sometimes the realization is that they are holding on to us because of what they want, when -we- aren't being what they need.

Lead with love, but remember that love of self is most important... for you AND for those you love.