The Powerful Secret To A Loving Relationship

There are numerous aspects that contribute to the development of a loving relationship. It certainly helps if two people share similar interests in terms of how they spend their time. It also helps if they share ideals in terms of religion or spirituality, politics, the environment, abortion, and personal development. It helps if they consume junk food or organic food together. If both of you are neat or messy, if both of you are on time or both of you are late, it makes things easier. Physical resemblance is also essential. It's fantastic if they share similar financial and spending values.

However, if one of these elements is lacking, a couple can have all of these but still not have a loving relationship. All of the other amazing characteristics will not be enough to make the relationship thrive without this crucial factor.

It's all about the aim with this crucial element.

At any given time, each of us is focused on one of two goals: control or learning. Our deepest motivation when we intend to dominate is to have control over gaining love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When we set out to study, our primary motivation is to learn how to love ourselves and others.

The need to be loved rather than to be loved can wreck havoc on a relationship.

Let's take a look at a common relationship problem and observe what occurs when the two opposite goals collide. Jason and Samantha haven't made love in a month and are emotionally estranged from one another. The issue arose when Samantha expressed an interest in taking a costly vacation, to which Jason disapproved. Samantha became enraged, Jason caved in, and the two have remained estranged ever since.

Samantha wanted to be able to choose how she got what she wanted. She confuses a lavish vacation with love, believing that if Jason does this for her, he is demonstrating his love for her. She used her rage to gain control over the things she desired. She wants to be in charge of how amazing Jason makes her feel.

Jason's goal is to stay as pain-free as possible. He gave himself up in order to have control over Samantha's lack of anger. By giving Samantha what she wants, he hopes she would regard him as a kind and loving husband.

Jason and Samantha's interaction, on the other hand, generated emotional distance since they were both trying to control each other rather than being loving to themselves and each other.

What would this have looked like if they had set out to learn something?

If Samantha’s intent had been to learn, she would not have become angry. Instead, she would have wanted to understand Jason’s objections. If Jason’s intention had been to learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead he would have wanted to understand why this particular vacation was so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would have been caring about themselves and each other, rather than wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual exploration about why they each felt the way they did, they would have learned what they needed to learn – about themselves and each other – to reach a win-win resolution. Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing, they would have come up with something both of them could live with. With some exploration of his financial fears, Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted would be fine. With understand of Jason’s financial concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less expensive vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt fine about the outcome.

Jason and Samantha's love will fade no matter how much they have in common or are attracted to each other when their goal is to control rather than learn. When one or both parties have the goal to control, it's remarkable how quickly love fades. It's also amazing how quickly it returns when both parties are eager to learn.