The power of words is lost on so many.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.”

Aesop

I suppose people who appreciate all that the Vocal platform has to offer, most definitely appreciate words, and recognise their power - we wouldn’t be here otherwise.

Chances are - most , if not all of you have experienced first hand the impact of the written word in your lives. For me personally, it were books that have kept me relatively sane in my childhood - words on paper were my allies when the words spoken by people in my life were creating deep wounds in my psyche, a legacy I am still working on undoing.

Verbal abuse from the person who is supposed to be your safe harbour and your biggest cheerleader, is a massive betrayal and shock no child should endure. In the ideal world anyway; unfortunately this planet has a lot of wounded people who instead of healing, choose to become parents, and to pass their pain further. “Choose” is a strong word of course, until recently most people have done it on autopilot , due to societal pressures and expectations , but that is a story for another day.

Going back to the role the books have played in my early years - they have also kept me company when I was neglected and have felt lonely ; ultimately they were my safe place in the otherwise unpredictable and chaotic world.

This all took place before the likes of the Internet and smartphones were introduced to the masses , so in that sense I was lucky; as despite me missing out on some pretty basic developmental needs that can only be met by an attuned, emotionally healthy caretaker, my escapism strategy of being a bookworm, was helping me to develop in other ways.

Evidently , words can both damage and heal, serve as a medicine or a poison, depending on who delivers them. Words also come with a lot more than just information - they carry an energy signature (unless spoken/written by the AI of course).

And whether one is more inclined towards the religious view of the world ( “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1), or is more into the esoteric interpretation of the reality , which by default acknowledges the existence of magic and its spells as being real, it is clear that words were never meant to be ‘just words’, and the fact that so many people currently believe otherwise, signals the degree of the disconnection from our true nature. Unfortunately we still live in a society that for the most part only acknowledges the material substance as real, while disregarding the subtle energy.

I most certainly don’t need to argue my point further , this community gets it. What we say and how we say it matters.

But the world at large has a very mixed bag of value systems, and the dominant ones are oftentimes a far cry from those trending on this platform.

Take the politicians for example, those that people elect as their ‘leaders’. It is literally accepted as a norm by now that their words and actions don’t align a lot, if not most of the time, and that the whole point of their words is to win the campaign and get to power. I say ‘norm’ because no one is even surprised when promises don’t manifest, so the bar is low to begin with. Does anyone keep them accountable ever? I am not massively interested in politics, so I genuinely don’t know the answer to this question, although it is a rhetorical one anyway.

However, the political game illustrates the point perfectly, as the rest of the world watches those “in charge” and takes notes, so the lack of accountability for one’s words is already modelled on that level.

‘Man of his word’ is a rare breed in the modern society generally speaking, but amongst the so called ‘leaders’ it appears to be extinct most of the time.

However, I am mainly interested in the more intimate and personal level of human relationships - one on one , as opposed to between the groups of people. To me, that is the most meaningful , as well as the most vulnerable kind, and with a potential to experience more pain as a result of things going sour. But also a lot more joy if navigated wisely.

What we say to one another in those interactions matters a great deal. There is a very well known expression stating that ‘actions speak louder than words’, and while it is true, and remembering this truth helps not to trust blindly or to live in an illusion about someone’s character, it is also a signal at how far out of integrity things have fallen, that for the most part words are not even taken seriously, and there is a good chance they can be used to manipulate, control and deceive. Or simply be spoken in the moment without much self-awareness, and the embodied impulse to follow them up with the actions.

I saw a quote some time ago that took it up a notch and stated "I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.”

Again - it is true, patterns of repeated over time behaviour are the most accurate picture. And yet, this too is a painful reminder that words are misused on a large scale, and that way too many people do not treat them as something sacred.

Of course one might say - words are a tool, and therefore neutral, and it all depends on who is using them and why; their level of consciousness, their values and intentions. Again, very true - and yet I can’t help but think that as long as people are not taught to value words and treat them with the respect and awareness they deserve, as opposed to something that just comes out of their mouths, it is unlikely that things will change. Maybe this understanding comes organically, as a result of one’s growth and individuation, maybe for some of us we learned this lesson early on, because we were scarred by those who let their shadow side unfiltered out of their mouths, maybe it is due to cultural differences and all kinds of other factors.

I suppose there are two distinct but interconnected dysfunctional patterns emerging here. First one - treating words casually and promising more than delivering. Second one, using words as a weapon against other people, not realising the potential damage, since “the sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” attitudes have been trending in the materialistic society, and ignoring the very real impact of verbal abuse on people’s mental health until very recently.

Having said that, I don’t believe in always being ‘nice’ and only speaking sweet words even when we are disrespected - sometimes the sharp sword of truth is very much needed when it comes to boundaries and speaking up about things that are important to us.

Things that are left unsaid because we are afraid of the confrontation, can be toxic to the body, and this scenario is very much the other extreme of the unhealthy relationship with one’s voice. However, words still need to be used wisely and not in a volatile fashion, like they so often are, especially when the emotions associated with one’s truth have been suppressed for a long time.

I like the idea that ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ are two very different concepts, with the former a lot of the time being linked to a betrayal of oneself.

It might be my personal, subjective experience, but I observe a lot more flaky behaviour in the recent years out there, in this post pandemic world we have found ourselves in. ( I also observe more emotionally and verbally volatile behaviour, but I’ve gotten pretty good at removing myself from those situations.)

Which brings me to a valid point that people’s poor mental health can also be a significant factor in the inconsistencies displayed. And while I have a lot of empathy for those situations, I also believe that communication goes a long way, and being transparent about one’s struggles can be all that is needed in order to make things right relationally speaking. Of course in a day to day life people have all sorts of blockages when it comes to admitting being not ok, and that too is a material for another story.

There is a well known book in the self-development circles titled “Four agreements”, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, and the agreement to be immaculate with one’s word is very much what this article is about:

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word to offer love, never use it to cause fear or pain in another (or yourself).

However, there is another agreement in this bestselling book which urges us not to take anything personally:

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you.

What others say and do is a result of their own dream or perception of their rules. We all make rules about how things should be, but when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

This is clearly where I fall short, most likely due to childhood trauma, at least that’s what the developmental psychology seems to imply. And in particular I struggle not to take it personally when someone’s words don’t match their actions - I suppose due to it being a painful reminder of the abandonment and betrayal I experienced early on.

But I do wonder, is it really exclusively due to my heightened sensitivity to a certain trigger that these things get under my skin? Or is it objectively hurtful for anyone who values truth and authenticity, to be faced with what can be described as a lack of integrity and consistency in their dealings with other people?

After all, more than one thing can be true at the same time.

And is it really realistic not to take anything personally? Even in a hypothetical reality, a utopia of sorts, where everyone is fully healed, or not injured to begin with. Surely some things are personal? Human beings are wired for connection (when healthy), and it is only natural to experience discomfort when chronic disconnect happens.

By never taking anything personally, and as a result not speaking up and not holding people accountable, aren’t we enabling the dysfunction to continue?

So many unanswered questions, and I am sharing this article with a hope that it will start a discussion amongst those who I suspect can relate to what I have written.