The Parts of Me That Are Alone, Pt. 2

Now, if this is your first read from me, here's a little recap. I'm alone in college, I have no friends, and when I try to make friends, it normally goes south pretty fast. My closest family and my girlfriend are at least three states away.

In a recent paper I had to write for my English class, I differentiated between being alone and loneliness are two different things (that many people often think are the same). Part 1 of "The Parts of Me That are Alone" explored that fact that I am alone. I physically have no one around me that I am friends with; Nobody I connect with. My roommate is here most of the time, and he was one of my best friends from high school, but I see him changing into a different person every day. I would normally be proud of change, but it's not exactly a positive change.

This part of the series (I don't know how long it will be), is exploring my mind. The part of me that isn't just alone, but feels lonely. See, loneliness does not automatically come with being alone, but it more often than not, stems from it. Loneliness to me is a deep, dark hole in my heart and mind knowing that I don't really have anyone here in college. I don't have anyone I can go to, and I don't have anywhere that I belong at. Even the geeks and nerds (who I have found to be some of the greatest people on earth) have a place to be. Out of the thousands on campus, it feels like it's all of them, and then me.

Somehow, I'm stuck between being athletic, smart, and a dork. I played hockey for 14 years, so I think I have a right to say that I can compete. I also have a 4.0 GPA. Not trying to toot my own horn here, I'm just trying to make obvious how it baffles me that I have ZERO friends. I can lift heavy weights, I can debate on science, I can talk about comic books, and I can watch most sports and know exactly what's happening.

The fact that I have all these things to relate to, yet can't find a place to fit in is a little damaging. It makes me think: Am I just that much of a loser? Is there nothing unique about me? I thought that I was a pretty easy-going, relatable guy yet, no one wants me around. Is there something wrong with me? These are just a few of the questions that circle in my mind every day.

It's rough when you go to class and know the answer, yet also know, nobody wants you to say it because they don't want to talk to you. I don't think I act like I know everything, or that I'm better than everybody. Actually I think quite the opposite. What I know doesn't matter unless someone else knows it. Out of everybody, I'm a nobody. It's classic when: I do decide to speak up and say the answer, either nobody acknowledges me or everybody just looks at me, then someone else says THE SAME THING and everyone agrees. Haha... ha.... What?? It's no big deal I guess. I'll just keep to myself.

The worst though, is when you're forced to be with other people... or more like they're forced to deal with you. Say my floor wants to go out to eat at a local restaurant as an event. Ooo, that's a perfect opportunity to make friends. And then no one offers to give you a ride to the floor leaders have to either "assign" you to someone for a ride, or give you a ride themselves. At this point my mind is a little too observant for my own good because it's too obvious: this ride would have been much more enjoyable, or at least a lot less awkward if I weren't there. But now the people in the car are stuck with me. I don't what I did to make it this way, and I don't know why no one wants to talk to me. Most of them I haven't even been introduced to. They don't know a thing about me, and they still want nothing to do with me.

After all of that, a person tends to feel a little... out of place. Like I don't belong here, or anywhere. It's clear that I'm not friend material to most people. Since my freshman year of high school, I've made a grand total of six or seven friends. After almost five years, I've made that many friends. And we banded together because we all had at least one thing in common: we didn't fit in. Which I'm alright with not have 15+ friends. I personally think it's a good thing to not have too many friends. But out of my "squad", I can't say that I could make any deep connections with them. I'm not shallow either, I love deep connections.

I've never had a close, close friend. Out of my band of misfits, it's as if I'm a misfit out of the misfits. I can relate to sports, education, superheroes, food, and even people who are going through the worst. Yet I can't help but feel as if I'm the odd one out. I show my outer layers, and I have had great friends because of it. If I let my darkness and scars show though... nobody wants that part of me. I am not that bad either, just damaged and longing for somebody to understand.

I guess no one understands though, or wants to at least. Nobody truly cares, they just need their happiness and that's all. I guess that's why I never belong. How could I, as an entire living, breathing human being, belong if only part of me is accepted, right? And if people will only take the good parts of me... well I guess that leaves me and my mind with the dark, broken, damaged parts of me. I suppose that's why I feel so lonely.

Sorry, this is kind of dark, I know. It brings me solace though. A place to vent. Maybe this isn't so much for the world as it is therapy for me. In any case though, if anyone feels the same, you're not alone. And hopefully neither am I :)