The Outsider...

Dear Readers,

Sometimes, I feel like I’m an outsider in my own mind. Like there’s a space inside me where my thoughts and emotions don’t belong. It’s as if they’re strangers, slipping through the cracks of who I am, leaving me to wonder if I’ll ever truly understand them. I don’t belong to myself, not really. And with the chaos in the world, how can peace ever find its way to someone like me? Is peace even possible, or is it just a distant illusion?

But it’s not just the weight of the world that weighs on me. It’s the constant throb behind my eyes, the pulsing pain that comes without warning. The migraines. They strike without mercy, turning even the simplest task into an ordeal. The light feels too bright. The sounds are too loud. My thoughts are too overwhelming. Every throb of pain feels like a reminder that there’s something inside me that’s broken, something I can’t fix.

I’ve always been someone who keeps to himself, someone who observes more than participates. I live in a small town, one that doesn’t demand attention or recognition. I don’t need to be seen. I spend my days walking through the woods, collecting bits and pieces of nature, finding moments of solace in the silence of the forest. Sometimes, the silence is the only thing that feels like home.

But then there are the nights. The nights when the world presses in too close, and my mind races with thoughts I can’t control. The anxiety of everything around me the turmoil in the world, the fractured relationships, the things I’ve done wrong, the things I haven’t done enough of it all swirls inside, like a storm I can’t escape. And then, the migraine hits. The throbbing pain inside my skull made it impossible to think clearly. It feels like my own mind is betraying me, like it’s working against me, turning everything inside into chaos.

I’ve learned to shut it out as best as I can, but there are times when it feels like the noise is suffocating, and I just want to disappear. Sometimes, I wonder if peace is only something for other people, people who don’t feel this weight, this unshakable tension like they belong in the world and within themselves.

One evening, when the sun dipped low and painted the sky in shades of orange and purple, I found myself once again at the edge of the forest. The world around me was quiet almost too quiet but there was a stirring inside me that felt like the calm before a storm. The wind tugged at my clothes and whispered through the trees, carrying with it secrets I didn’t understand. I could feel the weight of my thoughts pressing down on me as I sat down beneath an old oak tree, its branches reaching out like arms that had lived for centuries.

I tried to quiet my mind, but the migraine was setting in again, a dull throb at first, then building into something unbearable. I closed my eyes, trying to steady my breath, but the chaos inside wouldn’t stop. The anxiety, the confusion it was all there, like a constant hum in my chest. And the pain. The pain made it impossible to think straight as if my own mind was trying to break free from me. It felt like I was surrounded by everything, yet nothing at all. I wondered if would I ever find peace? Or would I always be an outsider, even to myself?

"I am an outsider," I whispered to the wind. "Not just out here, but inside me. I’m not sure I belong anywhere."

For a moment, the wind seemed to be still. The leaves stopped rustling, and the air grew heavy. And then, just as I thought the world had forgotten me, something unexpected happened. The leaves rustled once more, but this time, they formed a path. A winding path that led deeper into the forest, where I’d never been before.

Something inside me urged me to follow. I stood up slowly, the migraine still pulsing behind my eyes, but a strange sense of urgency moved me forward. The path was faint at first, but as I walked, it became clearer. It was almost as if the earth beneath me was guiding me forward, pulling me into the forest’s embrace.

After a while, I arrived at a small clearing. In the center stood an old stone well, covered in moss and ivy. The moon hung low above, casting its pale light on the stone, making it seem as if the well had been waiting for me. I knelt beside it, looking into its depths, but all I saw was darkness. No reflection, no water just the quiet emptiness that mirrored how I felt inside.

I pulled a small stone from my pocket, one I had picked up earlier on my walk, and dropped it into the well. I listened closely, waiting for a sound. It felt like the stone fell for an eternity, and when it finally landed, the silence was broken. A soft ripple of energy seemed to pass through the air as if the well had come to life.

Then, from within the well, a voice echoed. It was gentle, but there was an authority in it, something deep and rooted in wisdom.

"Peace is not something you seek outside yourself," the voice said. "It’s not something you chase or find in the world. It is something that resides within you, even amid chaos. The mind will always wander. It will always stir, always question, always doubt. But the heart your heart knows the way."

I sat back on my heels, the words sinking in like seeds planted in the soil of my soul. The chaos, the noise it was always going to be there, but that didn’t mean I had to let it define me. The migraines would come. The pain would return. But that didn’t mean I had to be consumed by them. Peace wasn’t something that came from escaping the world. It wasn’t something I could find in the silence of the forest, or in the stillness of the night. It was something I carried within me, even when everything around me seemed to fall apart.

I didn’t have to be an outsider in my own mind. The truth was, peace wasn’t about being free of chaos it was about finding stillness within the chaos. The storm would rage, but I could learn to find calm in the center of it. I could learn to live in the world, without letting the world consume me. I could learn to live with the pain, without letting it define me.

As I stood to leave the clearing, I felt a quiet shift inside me. A peace that wasn’t perfect, but was real nonetheless. I wasn’t alone in my mind anymore. I didn’t have to be an outsider. The world could be chaotic, the mind could be loud, but I could find my place in it all. I could be both in the world and at peace with it, even when I felt like I didn’t belong.

As I made my way back down the path, the wind whispered once more, this time as if it were offering me a quiet reassurance: You are enough. You are never truly an outsider.

Reflection

Sometimes, we live with a sense of displacement, as if we don’t truly belong in our own minds, as if we are strangers to ourselves. The chaos of life the overwhelming noise of the world, the burden of our thoughts, and the ache of physical pain can make us feel like outsiders in a world that moves too fast, too loudly. And in the silence that follows, there’s a deep sense of isolation that can consume us, making us believe that peace is something distant, something unattainable.

But peace is not something that exists only in quiet moments or in the absence of pain. It’s not a prize we earn by escaping the world or silencing our inner storms. It’s a quiet presence, always within reach, even when the world around us feels like it’s crumbling. We often look for peace outside of ourselves hoping that the next moment, the next escape, or the next solution will bring the calm we crave. But true peace begins in the heart, in the acceptance of the chaos, the pain, the uncertainty, and the knowing that even amidst it all, we are enough.

It’s easy to believe that our struggles define us that the migraines, the heartbreak, the failures make us unworthy of peace. But in truth, these struggles do not diminish us. They are part of the human experience, part of the tapestry of our lives. They shape us, yes, but they do not have to be the final word on who we are or what we deserve. We do not have to wait for everything to fall into place in order to find peace. We don’t need to escape the noise, the pain, or the confusion. The path to peace lies in our ability to accept these things as they are and find stillness within them.

The chaos will never fully disappear. The mind will always be a battlefield, the world will always be uncertain. But we can choose how we respond. We can choose to find a place of calm within the storm, to live in the world without letting the world consume us. It’s in this quiet acceptance, this embrace of both our light and dark, that peace is found not as a destination, but as a way of being.

You are not an outsider to your own mind. You are simply navigating it, as we all do, learning how to live with both the chaos and the calm. Peace is not a distant dream it is a practice, a presence that can be cultivated within, no matter the circumstances. And you, my friend, are worthy of it, even in your most difficult moments.

I hope this reflection resonates with you, offering a sense of reassurance that peace is possible, even amidst life’s turbulence.

Jacob M