The not so little black book

My day started like any other I suppose, my alarm singing its usual tune. It’s greeting now seemed to mock me more than enliven me, being I no longer had a job to wake up for. As it’s familiar call brought on self-loathing which was my new morning routine, the well intended yet continuously failed bedtime affirmations and attempts at positive redirection of my life, finally did their job and spoke up. I snapped out of it long enough to remind myself that many had lost their job during this pandemic and I had so many things to still be grateful for. As I began to consciously go over the list of things I was grateful for, which was my self designed recipe to positivity, the front door buzzer rang. The days of expecting random amazon packages had long passed, as well as the prospects from my bumble app were logically put on hold, thus my frugality and decided loneliness left me baffled at who it could possibly be.

After my continued attempts at introduction were muffled by the morning symphony of noise outside, I resigned to trekking down the three flights of stairs to inform the stranger they simply had the wrong address or buzzer, whichever one it may be.

“Well hello! Today is your lucky day! You have been selected as the grand prize winner!” He excitedly bellowed as I haphazardly flung the front door of my building open wide.  

As my eyes locked in on the utterly ridiculous sight of the giant check, I was either anethesthetically subdued by shock or still half asleep, but either way I managed to groggily inform him that he had the wrong person.

“Uh, thank you but you’ve got the wrong address. I never entered a contest and you see right there, my name is not even on the check, it’s just blank. Thank you though, ” I sheepishly said. As I began to turn around and close the door the man abruptly and rather annoyingly interjected himself in the way of my attempted path to recluse.

“No, it is YOU I am here for, of that I am most sure. This might all seem strange, I completely understand, but I ask you to just please listen and take heart. This is not a scam, and this is an entirely valid check, just a little “extra” as you would say, and theatrical, for that’s what makes life so grand. Your name is not on it but that is for you to fill in later, you’ll understand in time, don’t worry.”

While the words he spoke not so shyly hinted at some sort of mental disorder which warranted my sympathy, or even worse a con or something greater to be scared of, the feeling of the words, or was it his presence, told me otherwise. Even his voice held some sort of tone that I heard truth in. What’s more, his eyes seemed to assure me that there was nothing to be worried of.

I couldn’t believe my own ears nor eyes when I thanked him excitedly and my arms stretched out to accept the check.

“There’s just one thing that is required for the winning of this contest and it must be done today. Is there any way you might be free today?”

“Coincidentally, I am,” I said unsuspecting.

“Oh, how perfect!” He responded with an assuming grin.

“So it’s pretty simple you just take this and you must spend the day filling the pages with your story. That’s it, that’s all. When you genuinely feel you are finished, simply shoot me an email to let me know your take a way from it.”

As I glanced down at the little black book that filled my unassuming hands, the questions began to spin wildly in my mind.

“Ok, how many pages do I need to write? Am I supposed tell my whole story or anything specifically? Will anyone be reading it?”

As the anxiety began to tremor out with each word sputtered, he cut me off.

“Worry yourself not. Like I said it is very simple, there is no need to bother the beautiful simplicity of a project, or life for that matter. Here’s one you say all the time, It is what it is. I must go now, here’s my card, and the rest is history!”

What a peculiar thing to say I concluded as I put on my best “try not to panic face” and waved him off. When I returned back upstairs to my apartment and glanced at the life-size, my courage and clairsentience that came naturally in his presence downstairs, vanished like the rabbit down the hole. When my mind followed the same path, I decidedly set out on my normal road of escape. I counted on my escapist counterpart, the streets of New York city, to drown on my thoughts like she always does.

As the hours of the day flew by like a bandit in the night, I found myself in disbelief over the time as I saw 8:40 glaring back at me. “This is so me,” I thought, messing up the one opportunity that came my way. Not one for pleasantries or forgiveness of myself, I buried my frustration and hurried back to little black book that was unassumingly waiting for me on the entry table of my apartment.  

As I opened the bookmarking ribbon, I noticed the pages seemed to be calling for a grand story, as if it were their destiny. I watched as the words flowed out and onto the pages with the vigor and passion of a rushing waterfall and only could hope that this story, MY story, wouldn’t disappoint. As it turned out, the attempted escape of the incessant voice within my own head earlier in the day, landed me out in the world, listening to the voices of others in a way I hadn’t been able to in quite some time. I reveled in the delight of such intimacy and contact with other humans since it had been such an isolating year and the excitement seemed to obscure my ability to notice how synchronicity and serendipity lined the entire course of my day.

As my passion disguised minutes that turned into hours, pride washed over me as I finally glanced down at the finished product. The next step was to write the conclusory email and claim my prize once and for all. As I started to formulate what I was going to say, while I carefully input the email as it was written on the card, I had the sudden and ghastly insight that I had done it again. Was it the madness of the day? The late hour? I couldn’t be sure but what I did know is that I missed the mark once again and forgot the rules of the contest completely. I had not written anything at all about myself. I didn’t start from the younger years, none of the older years, literally not one tidbit of my own life or story. All that spoke or rang clear of me was that I was obviously the common thread and denominator, even if by just the teller, of all the stories of those I encountered on this day. It was too late to even think about starting over and more correctly, I was unable to stomach the acknowledgement of another grand misstep that I believed I had made so I decidedly and abruptly dismantled the possibility of the entire storyline of the day. “I knew this wasn’t real all along,” my doubt whispered easily through my fear. “It’s better I found out now rather than truly believing or hoping for something that was never going to be,” my unconscious programming rang loud and clear shattering the hope in my heart. Just as I decided undoubtedly to call it a day, reminding myself tomorrow was another day, I somehow flashed back to the memory and feeling of his eyes which jolted me out of fear. His presence and that moment seemed to call me back to a space where I still stood in clarity and understanding, and I also still held hope in the stranger, the competition, and the whole story of the day. I wasn’t sure if it was naiveté or enlightenment but the recollection of this moment, this space, brought back the feeling that anything was possible. This at least withstood the mind numbing affect of the self-protective complacency clock long enough for my to decide that writing and telling the truth was at least the right thing to do.

“Ok, there!” I said aloud as my email was sent and the false narrative of moral obligation was fulfilled.

To my surprise the response came immediately back. No subject line but the email address was undoubtedly the same. I immediately rationalized that it was an auto-response for thats all my mind and let alone my nervous system could handle at this point, although, I instinctively knew different.

Congratulations! You have been accepted as the winner of this contest. This will be short for once this concludes you have the entire world ahead of you, waste not a minute! You were incorrect in your self perception entirely. You failed not, but rather excelled past the expected and into the realm of true creator-ship. For in those pages that you spoke of, there your story lies. In each one of those faces that you looked at, you actually were seeing yourself in their very eyes. You told their stories today and what a gift that was, to you, to them, a witness into the expression of universal love. The world would be much better if we stopped replaying the narrative of ourselves for just a moment and opened our hearts to hear the story of others. Maybe then we would hear what is real, we would know what is true, for you are them and they are you. The purpose of this was for you to be acknowledged for looking beyond yourself as you usually do in the hopes that you would be reminded of the beauty in your soul. The money did not hold value enough for you to stay “focused” or you would have. The enticement of telling the story of you wasn’t inviting enough or you could have. You danced through the day to the beat of your own drum, that of your heart and this dear one, is the highest and most enlightened form of creation and art. Further you learned today that not only are you “no one” that mistakenly was the recipient of a winning check but in fact that was just a tiny gift and recognition from the universe to show you how valuable and fortunate you really are, if you just could see it that way! However, the greatest of all, we’ll call it the gift that keeps on giving, is that you finally learned that you are far greater than any notions or even grandiose beliefs of self, you are in fact, everyone. It is time you deem yourself worthy and open your ears to the story of your perfection, beauty, and majesty that your heart has been trying to tell you all along.  You must also know that all things that happen in one’s life, just as today, has reason and purpose. All of life, all of the universe really is intricately designed and conducted with far greater care, harmony and purpose than you can possibly imagine. When the questions start to arise, the self doubt kicks in, the purpose evades fall back into ease dear one, for all things are working for you, never against you. Begin to remember the beauty and perfection that is you, continue to dance to the beat of your own heart, and thus all of life is the contest and you always the winner, right from the start.