The Navy Blue Sweater

“I brought you a blanket.” I heard Shelia say. “I don’t know why you like sitting out here, it’s so cold.” I smiled in response. Most people don’t understand it, they think I’m crazy. But I like the cold. It is one of the few things that remind me I was alive.

Once she escapes, I go to reach the pen and go back to writing. The silence of the garden surrounds me with memories of you and I through the years. It is truly inspiring. Thank you for the years. From start to finish, you were my more than my partner, but my best friend, my counsellor, my strength and my love. In this letter, I thought we could look back on our first date. Where it all started.

I remember how I stumbled into the restaurant with my cheeks flushed, eyes wide and arms clutching what seemed to be half of my apartment. You always hated the amount of unnecessary clutter I would carry. The maître d’ caught my eyes as they scanned the room frantically, “Madam, can I help you?”

With the little breath in my lungs, and the scratching dryness of my mouth, I mustered up the strength to reply, “yes, sorry, my name is Ruth. I have a date here at 20:00. Is he here?” My hands moved with his narrowed eyes across my dishevelled appearance from my static hair to my wrinkled clothes. We both knew I did not belong there. But either way, I was there. Though, 20 minutes late, I was there.

“Hmm, yes madam, I can see your reservation here. Follow me to your table.” He said painfully slowly with his lips barely parted rendering him almost inaudible over the violin sonata. He grabbed the two polished menus and led me through the restaurant. I remember he moved so swiftly between the tables as if he were dancing to the rhythm of the strings. The lights warm enough to be romantic but dark enough to be uninviting. I remember thinking, if I flee now, I won’t be remembered. Just another figure in the darkness hoping to find light at a table. I’m so glad I didn’t because I found the greatest light of all.

Suddenly his dance halted. The strings acted as the master choreographer of the piece, as at the height of the crescendo, our eyes met. At the moment, it didn’t seem so lyrical but looking back, there was something so magical about the whole ordeal.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

Watching us as if we were two school children, the maître d’ rolled his eyes and gestured for me to sit and dropped the menus before moving to the next customer. This moment is not so clear to me. Years after the date, we still ranted about this same waiter: how disrespectful he was, how ignorant and patronising. Looking back, he was so insignificant. But he brought me to you and continued to in conversation and for that, I am so grateful.

“I’m Daniel, nice to meet you.” It was very nice to meet you Daniel. From your smooth brown skin, to your bright wide eyes and imperfect teeth; I loved it all. In that moment, your smile wrapped around me giving a warmth that I never knew I needed. Part of the reason I like to be cold is because I know, with just look from you, I am warm again.

“I’m Ruth, and nice to meet you too. So sorry, I’m late, traffic was a nightmare.”

“No worries. I haven’t been waiting long and ordered a bottle whilst I wait. I hope that is okay.” I know you lied. You were always on time everywhere. The years showed me how much my tardiness drove you crazy. Just the thought of being late would cause you to break out into hives.

Turning the bottle to reveal the label, I saw it was a pristine bottle of Merlot. I remember clocking my head from side to side as I assessed the bottle, not realising you were watching my every move. You always said you loved how analytical I was, but I don’t think I ever told you that I loved how observant you were. You knew my every move before I had even made it. In this case, I am pretty sure you knew I wasn’t much of a drinker without me even telling you. Though I don’t care for drinking much, remembering the way your eyes followed me as I took my first tentative sip from the glass, gives Merlot a special place in my heart.

I remember looking at your outfit and being so impressed with your fashion sense until I saw your shoes. You were wearing that dark blue sweater that made your eyes twinkle with a white-collar shirt. It is only in this letter, that I can admit to you the truth. I have your sweater. It’s under our bed in a box tucked away. I like to hug it from time to time to remind me of that day. I also threw away your shoes. But I’m sure you knew that anyway.

“I saw from your profile, you’re a writer, right? That’s awesome, I’ve never been so good at writing.” You said.

“Aren’t you a lawyer? Isn’t it like 90% paperwork?”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same. There is no imagination, no passion. I don’t know. I love the people work but sometimes I feel so disconnected. I don’t know.”

But you did know. You knew exactly what you wanted, and I am so proud of you for going after it. Your touched so many lives with your writing. You were daring, you were passionate, and you connected. You became so much more than you ever thought possible.

“Are you close with your family? I’m such a mama’s boy. I go to my parents place every Sunday for dinner with my siblings. There is 7 of us in total.”

“7? Wow. Must be fun at the holidays! We aren’t a big family, but we are definitely close. It’s just me my dad and my sister at the moment. They are my everything. Do you think you would want a big family like yours one day?”

“Definitely.”

And we definitely did. As I write this, we have four wonderful children, one crazy grandchild and another grandbaby on the way. Thank you for giving me such a beautiful family.

When your mother died, I was sure that the grief would drive us apart. At one point it almost did; you were so lost it scared me. Thank you for giving me a chance to find you, so that we could grow together and move forward with the foundations that she laid in you. She would be so proud of where you are just as I am now.

The food was terrible. I couldn’t pronounce half of it, let alone digest it. Despite this you never made me feel less than. I knew you were accustomed to this lavish lifestyle, but you never once forced it upon me. You wanted me for me. Again, I thank you, because I never would have survived it.

Walking down the street after our date we couldn’t let go of each other. Our hands clasped in the cold January night; my air became your air. You became my air.

I remember we stopped by for fast food on the way home. I know now you lived in the opposite direction, but made sure I was safe after I insisted, I must eat again after our three-course meal. You were good like that. In your cashmere navy blue sweater and brown Oxford shoes, you introduced me to the glorious donor kebab. It was greasy, fatty, meaty and most of all heavenly. You really introduced me to the finer things in life.

“Is this your stop?”

“Yep, thanks for walking me home, I really appreciate it. Again, I didn’t mean to inconvenience you.”

“It’s no worries, like I said it’s on my way.” Liar.

You then bounced on your heels like the little kid you were, are, waiting for me to give you permission to ask me out again. Hands in your pockets, stood tall, toes taping, smile barely contained and eyes everywhere but mine, you asked: “So, are you free next weekend? You mentioned you like to go to galleries, and a new one just opened in SoHo if you are up for it? No pressure, I just thought ...”

“Sure.” You smiled. “Do you want to meet here?”

“I can pick you up. 8pm?”

“Sounds good.”

You picked me up the following Saturday at 8pm. Then again on Sunday. After that the following Friday. And basically, every Friday - with other days in between - for the next couple of years until you no longer needed to pick me up because I was by your side. And I never strayed from there.

Even after I leave you, I won’t stray far from you side, if you let me. Not in a haunting type of way, but a familiar comfort and love.

Promise me you will find love after this? You always looked so beautiful when you are in love.

I finally put down the pen just as a sigh ran out of my lips. Not out of sadness, but instead relief because I know no one can ever take away the love that we share.

A few moments went by as I was sat in the garden. Suddenly, like a Lifetime movie, you all came out one by one. The kids and their kids, the dog, the noise and finally you. With a steaming hot cup of peppermint tea in one hand, a blanket over your shoulder and a glass of Merlot in the other.

“Here I bought you a drink. How you ever sit out here in the cold is beyond me.”

You smiled and leaned down over my wheelchair and placed a kiss on my cheek and a mug in my hand. You wrapped the blanket around you settled in beside me.

“Remember you have chemo scheduled for tomorrow. 15:00”

“Yeah, I know.” I know my appointment is actually 14:00 but after how many years you are still doting on me making sure that I am not late. I will never stop thanking you.

“You love me.”

Of course I do.