Love Divided

I was scrolling through my emails recently when I noticed an interesting article posted by users on Quora entitled ”why do Men struggle mentally in relationships” normally like most people I take a quick glance and the email is confined to the bin, however something about this post captured my intrigue so I decided to take a look further, also to unashamedly see if I could draw comparisons to my own life and experiences. Then, out of surprise, I found a comment which threw me off guard, a topic rarely even discussed out in the open. The comment highlighted how racial differences can become the defining factor in mixed relationships which cause mental health issues.

This got me thinking about a famous TV Chef and Actress couple here in the UK. I remember reading an article in a magazine a while ago about how this couple (who I’m not naming names) divorced under what was seemingly amicable terms, but at the time it was well documented how racial factors put huge pressure on their relationship. The couple are two of the most recognisable personalities from TV and were regularly seen happily in each others company, even after the divorce they both had nothing but positive and amazing things to say about their relationship and looked back at their time together with admiration and mutual respect, you could tell they still deeply loved and care for each other. Why were they under so much pressure they felt the only way to live their lives normally was to go their seperate ways?

Two people lost a great love, societal expectation won, but in a scenario like this, the relationship was fraught with danger from the start.

Take this scenario, a black man shares a photo with a white partner to her white family and friends, do you feel they would highlight ethnicity before all else? This is a scenario I’ve encountered in real life and I know I’m not alone. If a woman was embarrassed by the fact people always comment on her partners ethnicity during conversation, eventually she may seek normalisation and validation by not dating a black person just to avoid those awkward interactions. It is this exact profiling which can subconsciously shape peoples perceptions of who is right for us and who would fit within social expectations.

Friends and family who may appear to be openly accepting of racial ethnicity from a distance suddenly need to practice what they preach much closer to home, this is when the true colours are often revealed and the task becomes one of self reflection and willingness to be inclusive rather than just accepting. Any negative energy from the closest people around you can spread like a fire into your personal life. I believe this is exactly what happened to the celebrity TV couple, and not even the strength of their love could stop the subject of race from consuming their lives.

Truthfully, if you did a survey in your average European city or town of how many people have been or would want to be in a true committed relationship outside of their own ethnicity, the results would probably speak. People, especially ethnic minority groups share familiar feelings of isolation and intrepidation from the greater public, after all, everybody just wants to feel understood and respected and accepted for who they are without preconceptions and barriers. Ironically, it is those same needs which then draw us closer to those who share the same struggles so we can find a love which is true and not constrained by social judgement for our own peace of mind.

Modern day Europe right now is seeing a big rise in nationalism with a far right populist agenda. I wonder how much this constant negative attention against ethnic minorities affects how the majority population view themselves and their social standings when dating or in a relationship with a person of different ethnicity? The greater the popular opinion, the less people feel included amongst peers when they are not part of the general consensus which is a quick way to alienate themselves from social circles and even personal progression as a result.

To end my point, Yes the comment on racial difference being a factor to Men’s mental health is to me very strong and relevent. Love is unconditional, but when choosing between the love of your friends and family becomes the barrier, this is a hard pill to swallow and live with for many, knowing that race ethnicity is the dividing point between the person you love and the people closest to them, now to me this is enough to have many people questioning their identity and belonging, which can lead to serious health decline.

We all have our preferences in mind, but for some this is rooted in social ideology, and it is important in these times to recognise another quality which is to choose a love partner strong enough to stand up to the challenges when needed the most no matter where they appear in life, because ultimately if they can’t accept this to be reality with their normal lives, were they really the right person in the first place.