THE NARCISSIST AND ME

I have wanted to write for a very long time, but I struggled between my need to be private and the need to tell my story.

In case anyone has not heard of the word narcissist here it is:

"The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are: grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships;

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhance their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an "injury" in the form of criticism or reject."

This definition made me realise that I have been involved in friendships or romances with more than one of these people in my lifetime.

My story is for those who may have had a similar experience or may know someone who fits this definition. It is important to know just how detrimental and destructive knowing someone with this disorder can be.

It began almost 3 years ago. This one was a romantic involvement. I won't say who it was, but I WILL tell what happened because it affected my sanity and my life. We met at an event in 2015 and I thought he was handsome, sexy and so very sweet. We didn't get together straight away, in fact it was to be the following year at the same event that we finally exchanged contact details.

Please keep in mind the definition above: these people will "latch on" to people who they think are "superior" to others or "up there" in some sort of esteemed position. In hindsight, my interest in writing, music and events, made me someone who could be of some use and also someone who could make him look good (he is a singer). I say this without any bitterness or anger, it's just a fact.

Initially our chats on the phone were the usual romantic kind. Having had my guard up for a long time, I gradually lowered it and didn't see the manipulation taking place - or rather I refused to. All the signs were there. He was at the end of a toxic relationship; he of course was the victim. I saw no reason to disbelieve him because he was so nice - why would anyone treat him so badly unless they themselves had a problem? Even when he painted such a horrible picture of his previous relationship, I still didn't listen to the alarm bells. After all, aren't there two sides to every story?

I would say the first 6 months were beautiful, I wouldn't say I fell in love, but I did fall under his spell. I admired his talent, I loved his quiet voice and me being me, I resolved to use MY skills and talent to help him all I could. For him, it was all part of the plan. I will be generous: if it wasn't part of a plan, he certainly had been in similar situations before and was used to controlling/manipulating it.

Then things slowly started changing. The slightest thing would cause an argument, really silly things. It could be the wording in a Whatsapp, or something he thought was suspicious and then it would be world war three! Considering myself of reasonable intelligence, at first I was confused. It didn't make sense. I couldn't understand why he was so hell-bent on proving I was lying, why he was always so paranoid and suspicious. He would compare me to his ex-girlfriend or one of his sisters who he didn't get on with. Gradually I became obsessed with proving to him I was a genuine person. I would apologise even when I knew I had done nothing wrong. There was NEVER an apology from him. He was always right. My apology would be my "get out of jail card" This lasted almost a year. There was also a large issue around money. Although I never asked him for any and always paid my way, he would guard his money jealously as if I was after it.

The "relationship" became more and more toxic. His paranoia and inferiority complex - like oil - spread to his friends and colleagues; no one could do right. Every word or sentence had a sinister meaning. It got to the point where a normal or positive conversation was a thing of the past. We no longer spoke on the phone, but only by text and then maybe once or twice a week. The writing was on the wall: if I asked why we couldn't talk, he would accuse me of harassing him or trying to cause an argument. I was being manipulated and controlled, the worst part was that I knew this, but like many who were or are in an abusive situation, I didn't have the courage to leave. I was being mentally abused.

However, something had to give. And something did. There was the straw that broke the camel's back. When I started standing up for myself and refusing to engage in these toxic debates, he went one further and tried to once again prove that I was lying. Only this time it involved one of my friends and I was not having it! I finally had had enough and my anger burst forth. It was Tsunami in style! I told him everything that was in my heart, all that I had been holding back. It was so bad he blocked me on social media and Whatsapp. I simply carried on my tirade by email.

I would like to say that I regret my words and what I said, but I don't. Not one word! My one regret is that I took so long to say how I really felt. I would also like to say that the relationship finished there and then, but incredibly I found it difficult initially to let go. A toxic situation is VERY hard to overcome and I suffered because of it. I didn't want to go out, I couldn't concentrate on my studies and I STILL wanted to talk to him! He of course, loved his powerful position. He would quiet happily communicate with me via email but refused to unblock me saying he "needed time".

It would take a while longer (a couple of months), but I eventually DID let go - completely. I am still blocked and if he does read this, I would like to thank him. On New Years Day I wished him happy new year and expressed my sadness that I couldn't share all the good things that are happening for me. It wasn't a dig, so many beautiful things are taking place, I have to keep pinching myself. I am truly happy. It sounds like a cliche, but I am finally free. I no longer feel angry, sad or weepy and I KNOW I am healing. Mr Narcissist, I thank you for making me finally face my fears and insecurities. You will NEVER be able to affect me again. The power I feel now is AWESOME.

If you have had the patience to read this, thank you. If you are in a similar situation, please don't take as long as I did. I lost two years of my life and the worst part is that I KNEW I should have walked away almost immediately. If you need help to walk away? Admit it and ask for help. If you know of a man or woman who are being controlled and manipulated? Talk to them. You cannot force them to leave, but you can plant a seed.

I survived a narcissist and I lived to tell the tale.

Consciouslee