The Mind is a Strange Thing

Some days it seems like this loneliness would overwhelm my soul and lead me into the wilderness of dark and dreariness. I can't remember the last time I heard another's voice or seen a face other than my own in the mirrors around all the walls. At first, I thought it was neat to see my reflection at every turn but now they seem to mark me as to say "we are many. You are alone". The weather always matched my weariness or was it my weariness that caused the weather's dark clouds.

It’s been years since I’ve seen another soul. I haven’t even heard another’s voice. I am so tired of my own. I look out of the window and see only darkness on top of darkness. I used to go outside to ring my own doorbell. Ding dong, ding dong. My heart would skip a beat even though I knew that I was the one ringing the bell. I would rush back inside than back to the door with a big smile on my face. I never thought of how I looked. I hadn’t combed my hairs in days or weeks. It’s been so long that I couldn’t remember the last time. I have been wearing the same drab clothes for weeks and weeks. I don’t even remember buying these clothes. They couldn’t be mines, I thought. They don’t even fit well. I don’t buy wrapped dresses. How long has it been since I have taken a bath. I smelled my armpits. They weren’t that bad so I must have at least put a little water under my arms.

My mind wondered back to that last day. I remember hearing the children laughing as they danced around the house. Keke was leading the bunch while showing them her new dance routine. "Stop that noise!" I shouted at them. I didn't mean to say it so loud and mean. I felt a tug at my heart as I saw their smiles turn to frowns and heard the laughter stop. Keke opened her mouth "mom...." then stopped. The sadness in her eyes took a chuck out of my heart. I wanted to say that I was sorry but I didn't know how to even form the words. I should have at least let them have a little fun. I should have been glad that they were able to but instead I took out my sadness out on them. Then they too were gone. I wonder if this was how or why I lost everyone. Questions on top of questions stomped around and around my mind. "I know I could not have been the cause of everyone leaving" I said out loud. "I just know, I just know. Why Lord, why!" The tears flowed out of my eyes but these seem to be flowing up instead of down.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a movement. At first I thought I was imagining it but "no" there it was again.

“Hi honey.” My husband, Jack, was standing there with a bright smile on his face. “How are you feeling?” Then he looked concerned. “What’s wrong,” he asked. “You look so lost and sad.”

I just stared at him. My mind questioned if he was really here. It has been weeks or maybe months since I have seen him or anyone besides the kids. “Where have you been” I shouted at him.

He jumped back. “What?” He asked. “I asked where have you been.” I believe I was a bit more forceful. He looked at me as if he didn’t even know what to say. “Are you joking or playing?” He asked.

“No, no, I am not.” I answered. “It has been months since I have seen you or anyone else except for the children. Then they disappeared yesterday.” I could hear my own voice shaking as I spoke. “I didn’t know what had happened…I was alone…I..I didn’t know what to do. I just.” My body began to shake. “Am I losing my mind…what is going on? I didn’t know what to do.” The tears started falling. I felt the warmth of his arms around me and the wet of his face as his tears ran down his face.

“No baby. I have been here all the time.” He reassured me. “We have all been here. Come here look out of the window. See where you are.”

I shook my head no. “I can’t look. Please don’t make me.” I begged.

“Why dear. What is wrong? What are you afraid of?” He asked softly and gently.

“I don’t want you to disappear.” I answered. “I don’t want to see that ship.”

“What ship? What are you talking about?” He looked so sad.

“Why would I disappear?” He asked. “What makes you think that? I have been here all the time.” He said. “I just couldn’t visit you.

“Yes there was and you did. I saw it just over the horizon. It hovered just over the horizon. I saw you and many people walk along the highway and go over the mountains. Then it zoomed down and I saw you and the others float up to it and then it and all you were gone. I was so alone and afraid. I didn’t know what to do”

“No baby.” He said sadly. “Look around you.”

Looking around and around and around, I saw the flat white walls, the bars on the window, the twin size bed, the one little lamp on the little table, the big painting of a long ship above a sky of dark clouds. “Where am I?” I asked.

“You are in the hospital.” He whispered.

“What did you say?”

“The hospital.” He repeated. “The psych ward.”

“Oh, oh, oh.” I then understood but understood what. “Why?”