The Mask Police

The Mask Police 02/07/2021 Michael Bonham Larson

I remember my mom telling me when I got my Kindergarten report card that I had flunked skipping and galloping and that for some reason I could not tell the difference between the two. I remember practicing and playing hopscotch with my sister but could never get this down. I was a terribly un- coordinated kid and I guess it has followed me to this day. I remember in my 30’s going to a country western bar and trying to learn how to Line Dance and Two Step. I was asked to give it up. My dad used to accuse me of tripping over hairs. Need I say more?

Well now it’s 2021, and ever since the Covid19 hit, I am required to stay 6 feet apart, wear a mask and stand on small red squares in the supermarket. I have been trying to abide by the rules but I seem to fail miserably. I keep getting scolded by the grocery clerks and other customers for not standing on the correct red square when standing in line to check out my groceries, it’s Kindergarten all over again.

This has happened to me twice now. The first time I honestly did not notice the red squares and thought, “Oh, my shopping cart would keep me a safe distance from the customer in front of me. “NO! STAND ON THE RED SQUARE SIR!” “Ok, Ok,” I said. “I am sorry.” The next time it happened it was from a fellow beloved customer. “Excuse me sir you need to wait on the red square not in between them.” Now I understand all the You-tube videos of people losing their lids and seeing them go off in line like a bull in a china cabinet. OMG! In my mind I have done some truly bad stuff.

Has anyone seen the YouTube video of the woman in a KINKOS? I am not sure which woman started it, but it went down something like this. An elderly woman customer was faxing her document at the fax machine but she was not wearing her mask correctly, so this other woman came over and told her to fix it. Well the elderly woman would have none of that! And hit her with her cane and I think said some racial splurges. Well it seemed that this did not bode well with the younger woman so she knocked her to the ground and kicked her! The thing that saddened me most about the whole incident was that not one of the other customers came to the rescue of the elderly woman, who was now on the ground withering in pain. As you can clearly see on the video everyone nonchalantly looked the other way faxing and printing their beloved documents while ignoring her.

So going forward I have decided to keep on myside of the red square and not engage with others. Especially, the elderly and their canes.

After writing the above and after watching way too many of these videos of people yelling at others for not wearing a mask or yelling at someone for being too close in the supermarket and on and on and on, it finally happened to me.

Our local gym just opened up the inside showers and changing area as well as all of the work out rooms upstairs. The policy states that when working out you need to wear a mask and that’s it. I primarily go to use the pool and attend a kick ass aqua fit class three times a week. We are not required to wear a mask in the pool, Egads I think I’d drown!

My point of view with this whole virus situation is if you are high risk and do not want to get the Covid19 virus then don’t engage in public. Stay home and work out on Zoom or whatever you need to do from the comfort and safety of your own home.

I wear my mask going in and going out of the gym and pool area. I do not wear it when showering and changing. I observe this same behavior from all my swimming mates and we all seem to agree we are following gym policy.

Then today the Mask Police show up in the changing room and I became highly engaged like a You Tube Video! Half naked, I am standing there minding my own business, since no one was in there anyway, taking a shower and drying off, I walk back to my locker and begin to put my clothes on when my phone buzzes and I pick it up to read a text. The next thing I know I hear a man come in from the outside area, raising his voice at me for not wearing a mask. I told him my mask was right here on the changing bench and that is when he got louder. I then became highly animated having two conversations, one in my head and one out loud.

In my head I’m saying, “Mind your own business you asshole and quit being a male Karen. Who made you the mask police?” Out loud, I am saying, “OMG would you just let me change? I just got out of the shower and no one was here!” He then began saying how inconsiderate I was and blah, blah, blah, at this point it was getting really nasty in my head, “If you don’t want the F’n Virus than don’t work out at the F’n gym!” (Actually I said that out loud. Egads! ) Well, Actually I put my scarf mask back on and it sounded like this, “If you don’t want the mucking prius than don’t murk out at the muffin mim!” Egads, I need more Zoom Church. I was shaking! I then proceeded to walk out while he was still talking having no clue what he said for he was wearing his mask. So the moral of the story is; “Don’t go off on me if I am naked exiting the showers or I’ll hit you with my cane!”

I think tomorrow I am just going to run around the gym naked with just my mask on! Yelling, “Mucken Mask Police! Come and get me!”