The Man

"The man is always right!"

"Big boys don't cry."

"Men FIGHT for what they want!"

"A proper man knows how to treat a good woman."

...Okay; that LAST one has some truth to it.

Kent Brindley; biological male of 37 and your host for the evening here.

(Yes; I finally put my definitive age out there on "Vocal.")

There are SO many ideas out there about what makes a "real" man. "Confident." "Proud." "A go-getter." "Self-Made." "Strong." "Successful." "Toxic???"

Let's see, I've been on this plain for the better-part of three decades and, if I'm confident in ANYTHING, it's that I am a guy. Now let's explore only SOME OF what society claims is a "man."

(Being around since the mid 80's means that media has projected its images of several ideal "male" icons to live up to. He-Man, G.I. Joe, Mr. T., Sylvester Stallone, "Ah-nold," The A-Team, Magnum P.I., Hulk Hogan, "The Macho Man" Randy Savage, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, The Rock, John Cena, Peyton Manning, etc. all immediately come to mind).

BIG BOYS DON'T CRY!

...Right off the bat, I've "failed" at masculinity.

I, a guy well into his adulthood, can attest to many a teardrop.

I struggle with delusions of "being alone" (in a community that I know darn well accepts me when I accept them) or of "failed" hopes/plans/dreams/ambitions that maybe just haven't reached fruition yet (I'm 39 at the time of editing. There's still time).

It would be ONE thing to only whine and sob when I feel that I'M hurting (no matter how ridiculous those thoughts are; and believe me, I do).

What I can't bear is hearing that a FRIEND or family member is hurting. I will literally hurt WITH them; and leave it to me to very visibly SHOW it.

Everyone feels slighted and gets frustrated; the only mantra is that "big boys don't CRY."

Yeah; but LISTEN to us scream/shout, swear, bang on the nearest poor inanimate object, hurl accusations at the nearest poor PERSON, etc. (Okay, at my weakest moments, I do that too. I almost PREFER finding a corner to myself and letting the water flow; if not over what happened to ME, then at least over what happened to someone DEAR TO me. But that PRIVATE corner, if I can get there in time, is crucial to my cause...)

THE MAN IS ALWAYS RIGHT

"Wrong."

Put any two stubborn people with conflicting arguments across from one another. At least ONE of them is, at least partially, WRONG. (Just not me. No, NEVER me).

Take it from me, it's already difficult enough to be wrong. You don't want to be PROVEN "wrong" after a long and stubborn argument; followed by (weeks/months/years) of brooding/stewing/mumbling over being wrong.

You DON'T want to be THAT man; be it following an argument with another guy and DEFINITELY NOT with your significant other.

REAL MEN DON'T WATCH CARTOONS/SITCOMS

...Do "real" men really give such a damn what other "real" men (in the privacy of their own respective homes) watch on television?

Besides, my "Hanna-Barbera Superhero" DVD Shelf, "Hanna-Barbera" Teen Sleuth DVD Shelf, "He-Man/She-Ra" Shelf, DVD shelf for M.A.S.K., Silverhawks, G.I. Joe, and Thundercats, and DVD shelf set aside for Mr. Ed, Andy Griffith, Full House, and Step By Step all disagree; either with the premise of "no cartoons/comedies" or with my status as a "real" man.

Besides, and this is crucial to my point: "The series' that I just mentioned are like old childhood friends to me; old childhood friends who I haven't quite let go of yet."

REAL MEN ENJOY ACTION MOVIES; NOT ROM-COMS.

...Hi from "The Marvel Movies," "Taken," "Rambo," Terminator," Transformers;" AND "The Meet The Parents Trilogy"/"Wedding Crashers"/"Fired Up!"/...other rom-coms that I've forgotten about at the moment.

We've established now what "real" men DON'T watch.

REAL MEN WATCH SPORTS!

"...Sports" was a great album from "Huey Lewis and the News" and included "The Heart of Rock n' Roll," "Heart and Soul," "Walking On a Thin Line," and "I Want a New Drug."

(Drum-Drum-Cymbal Crash)

...But if I can be serious, "real" men watch sports.

Okay; I'll gladly return to a Grand Valley (football/basketball) game for the sake of cheering on my Lakers (in a wig and with a handmade sign; yeah, that's a dedicated FAN; a "man" is debatable). Or I'll watch (U of M/The Red Wings/The Lions/The L.A. Rams/The Tampa Bay Bucaneers); at a bar and in the company of fellow fans to shoot the breeze with one another and one of the "cute/hot/attractive/pretty" waitresses behind the bar for me to make conversation with.

In speaking of...

REAL MEN IN THEIR 20s ARE SEXUAL DYANMOS; REAL MEN IN THEIR 30s HAVE FAMILIES

...Ugh; the plight of the Life-Long "Singles Artist" (not necessarily by choice) strikes again.

"Sexual dynamo?" I dunno; but you should be so lucky to be a woman whom I have RECIPROCATED an embrace to if only to communicate "we're this tight as FRIENDS" or "I'm SO glad to see you!" or "Farewell/so-long/until-we-meet-again" (now well into my thirties. Back in my college days, my technique of offering/reciprocating the embrace was awkward at best).

So, if I'm single to this day (and every woman who's ever struck my fancy has been a friend at best and unattainable crush at worst), I don't have a family yet.

I'm 37; not 73. There has to still be time...right?

REAL MEN DON'T PLAY WITH TOYS

...True; but the Masters of the Universe Classics/Super7/Masterverse figures are for DISplay, NOT "play" (the difference between the two is the hill that I am choosing to lay my sword and armor down upon).

REAL MEN KNOW HOW TO BALANCE THEIR FINANCES!

...Okay, I think you mean "any responsible adult."

Also...wellllll...I didn't exactly fully-stock that display table for free...

REAL MEN ARE GOOD AT SPORTS

"...How about running up and down the bleachers over and over again; either to the Concession Stand and back or as soon as I see friends? No; okay."

My "athletic prowess" is in walking through town or the marathons of running up-and-down bleachers during a sporting event being played by REAL athletes...

REAL MEN DRINK REAL BEERS

A). I've seen what alcohol has done to other people; and, in many a personal experience, it doesn't make them kinder or easier to be around for very long.

B). I've seen what CAFFEINE has done to me through many a verbal fumble/Freudian Slip toward a relatively attractive young lady.

C). ...Yeah; if she's pretty enough and I'm getting TOO confident in what I have to say, see also "Water."

(In the cases of [B] and [C], this leaves me sober enough to catch my own mistakes; then rib myself over them).

A REAL MAN HAS A PROPER CAR/HOME/JOB

...How about a FitBit program that keeps me determined to stay on my feet, a four walls and a roof to keep me safe and secure, and 20 hours a week as a Custodian PROFESSIONAL LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT?

(I said what I started to say the first time).

Long story short, THIS man DID attempt Driver's Ed at 18, was about the poorest performer in class, and, when it came time to try to take my Road Test for my license anyway, was turned away, citing a "lazy right eye" that I seemed almost blind out of.

Home? I live with my parents again and the last time that I had an apartment of my own was for a full year in 2016.

The part about my having obtained a fancy "Writing" degree to become a "Locker Room Attendant" was true; at fluctuating hours and around $11/hr take home pay; paid every OTHER Friday.

So far, the superficial/stereotypical modifiers of "real" manhood aren't looking very good for my case, are they...?

REAL MEN ARE PHYSICALLY FIT!

I can "fit" a lot better into my wardrobe than I could a year ago (thanks, FitBit). In fact, suddenly, my favorite shirts just look "baggy." (Between the two ends of the "this-doesn't-fit" spectrum, I'll take this one).

Then again, being 35-40 pounds lighter hasn't stopped MOST of that weight from coming from my muscles; and it shows when I try to do something physical.

REAL MEN DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEIR BODY IMAGE!

...They do when that's how their own family defined them their whole life (then, women WEREN'T instantly attracted to them as more than a friend; with only ONE mitigating factor ever vocalized by anyone to make them less than desirable).

Family, and even close enough friends, may have an excuse for making a public issue out of weight; it CAN BE a health issue. (Then let the INDIVIDUAL decide that and take charge. And the "compliments" that only come back to this NEW body image are STILL defining a person by their body make-up).

I've always struggled with low self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have known me long enough that you consider ME the "social butterfly," you're one of the lucky ones who's chosen to hang on to my friendship and I thank you for yours...

REAL MEN DON'T STRUGGLE WITH SELF-ESTEEM OR SELF CONFIDENCE!

...Maybe fewer of them ADMIT to their struggles and frustrations with (self-esteem/self-image/self-confidence/depressions) exactly BECAUSE OF such constraining statements/mindsets.

I'm an adult, cisgender male. There may be a lot separating me from what society has decided is a "real" man. My personal struggles with self-esteem, low-key depression, or frustrations as I watch my hopes/ plans/ dreams/ prayers/ ambitions constantly slip further and further away should be the least of what prevents me from being a "real" man...

(and the very term SELF[-esteem/-confidence/-image] means that [society/friends/work colleagues/my family] are not 100% responsible for the damage done and CAN'T 100% correct it. That final ownness to really correct it falls on me. I just ask for support in that journey).

REAL MEN LISTEN TO ROCK or at least COUNTRY, NOT POP!

...How about an eclectic mix of all of them; specifically from the 80s-90s. (Today's music does have its place. That place is "far, far away from my eardrums.")

I grew up on Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, Randy Travis, and George Strait. That eventually spiraled into Bryan Adams, Journey, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Dire Straits, Tim McGraw, Sammy Kershaw, and Collin Raye.

Let's not forget bits and pieces of Michael Bolton, Phil Collins, Richard Marx, or any number of...late 90's pop acts.

Junior High was a nightmare that I remember well (it was 8th grade, '98/'99, and, for reference, Britney Spears was just beginning to "hit" MTV; at the age of sixteen and in a Catholic School Girl uniform. At 14, I was also just enough of a realist to aim locally at my female peers; to about the same "success" as if I had unrealistically drooled over the idea of Britney and me).

But I've already gone off track for long enough.

My "brilliant" plan: "Serenade Crush #1 and her gaggle of gal pals with late 90's pop [okay, I'll say it] BSB and *N'Sync music."

See; there was a method to my madness of familiarizing myself with that music (and why some of it is stuck today).

Again; I was fourteen at the time and hadn't thought this one through to the logical conclusion where I was not only trying to impress girls; but convince them that I LIKED girls...

Next.

REAL MEN CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY CAN TAKE CARE OF ANYONE ELSE.

...Now, we're getting warmer.

Here's where the car, a place of my own, a far better job, a better fiscal future, and enough confidence to consistently treat myself with the respect that I show to others could come in later.

The idea where "The real man is 100% the supportive party" might be old-hat; and could be exhausting and lead to resentment.

You know what else might lead to "exhausted resentment?" If I were to meet someone now; and she wound up doing housing, taxi service, and taking care of 90% of finances; with my reasoning that "I provide EMOTIONAL support!"

Reasons the "real" man struggling with his OWN emotional support as internally as possible until the powder keg is reached.

This all-around "support" of ANY couple should come as close as it can to 50-50.

A PROPER MAN KNOWS HOW TO TREAT A GOOD WOMAN...

...and THAT'S why man has "the friendzone."

THIS statement, I back 100% (not the part about "the friendzone;" I mean that in jest as my own experience of luck with the softer sex).

The "real" man can be supportive of his partner, is allowed to show emotion, can relinquish a "right" opinion to someone else once in a great while, and it's none of my business WHAT he watches on TV or listens to on the radio.

He should AT LEAST know, at some age, what a good woman looks like and how to treat them with respect and support; at the very least, with VERY FEW conditions.

I want to be THAT man; THAT sounds pretty "real" to me. I still struggle there as my first noticing a woman has EVERYTHING to do with her physical appearance. Any opinion on personality and the heart comes, obviously, from my taking a chance to get to know her (and, even then, I'm still prone to meeting the women who suit my fancy too late in life and they're all involved with someone else [I won't mess with that]; or here I am at 37 and one of them is 25 [yeah; I'm not messing with THAT either. "Let's talk/joke/quip about...literally anything else"]).

CONCLUSION

"ALL men are toxic!"

...and only bitter, entrenched feminists/soy boys share that opinion.

Reversing the logic of a nice, catch-all, logical fallacy can sure put the "old" ideas to rest, can't it?

I have always DESPISED the argument made by the "toxic masculinity" shills. (Sorry; very few people can change their gender every single morning to suit society better, a la the X-Men's Mystique; and even in her case, it was always a disguise).

NOT all men are toxic (and women are certainly NOT predisposed to be "bitter" as their only defining treat).

However, there is a level of toxicity in "REAL MEN ONLY WATCH.../...LISTEN TO.../...NEVER CRY (Yeah; but you should hear them yell/scream/swear/watch them smash something)/...ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!" that can't be ignored

I think that a "real" man can come in any number of shapes/sizes/cultural backgrounds. And a "real" man is even allowed the opportunity to LEARN to (get a job/be more responsible/be a better man to a great woman).

Like their subsequent characters in the "Daddy's Home" duo of movies (some of my favorite comedies right now), maybe some men are the emotional Brad Whittaker (Will Ferrell) and some are the local "man's man/tough guy/good-at-everything" Dusty Mayron (Mark Wahlberg). The basic repeated joke of the film franchise is that one was more "masculine," "more of a man" than the other. (Three guesses who was who).

One of these days, at 39 and a life-long proud male, maybe I'll even know what it takes to be a "real" man.

Thanks as always for the support in a read/heart.

Much appreciated.