The Lynchpin

The word “lynchpin" could refer to two somewhat different things. A tool to keep a wheel where it has been put, and a circumstance whose change ensures a situation could change significantly. Not all figurative linchpins are related to wheels. But both critically influence important factors.

As of right now, I’ve been waiting on a lynchpin. It’s neither the time nor the place for me to reveal what it is. However, there are some ways I can describe this air which has continually tried consuming myself for what almost seems like an eternity.

My lynchpin is the bane of my existence. At least, it is one of them.

It’s the voice in my head which microanalyses every little thing I do during the day. It tries sneaking into my thoughts every waking moment of my life.

Sometimes, I can fight it off for a bit. Distract myself with work, chores, and scourging books or the Internet. But after the focus wears off or something shows up that reminds me of my lynchpin, this subconscious thorn always comes back to remind myself of its presence. That no matter what, these memories will influence the decisions I make and the actions I take.

These reminders may be triggered by something random that just happens to remind me of the lynchpin. It doesn’t always have to take a specific trigger, either.

The second type is what I find worse. When there’s a particular object or event which is pushing me to ruminate about the lynchpin, all I have to do to lessen the stress on myself is to remove myself from whatever is turning on the emotions. But when there isn’t a trigger to identify? I can’t do anything beyond using basic coping mechanisms and hoping they work.

In another world, none of this would matter. The lynchpin would still exist in some form. However, it wouldn’t be my lynchpin to cope with.

Would I be the same person as I am today without it, though? No, this pin is not fun to have in my head more of the day than not. That being said, I’d be lying to say it hasn’t ever motivated me for the better.

My lynchpin has pushed my buttons enough to scan for red flags. It has helped me catch on to the true natures of people faster than I have before - even with previous life situations being taken into account. While insanity does still have an impact on my emotional well-being, I’m less surprised now when insane life affairs get thrown my way.

Most of all, my lynchpin has planted in me the seeds of hope. It’s true that as long as it refuses to move, things will hardly change on the outside. But all things come to an end. Someday, this corkscrew will adjust itself.

Will it be the way I want? Chances are, probably not. There are too many intertwined circumstances right now for things to go according to a neatly laid out plan. Due to the way they run, this will almost certainly apply in the future as well.

However, I know for a fact that change is in the air. I’ve seen a preview of the way stuff currently is. Of all the words in the English language one could use to describe the current situation, “stable” is not one of them. Nor are any of its synonyms.

It may take several weeks. Months. Even years, perhaps, if it has to. But as long as my lynchpin continues to exist, it will have to move at some point.

And that is when I’ll finally be able to let go entirely.

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Medium version: https://medium.com/@SnarkyLisa/the-lynchpin-1a5d09f4a997

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