I am 25 years old, loving the one person I have loved for so many years. If you have read my very first story you will know the clues I was throwing about what needs to be vented, so LETS VENT.
You really find out who a person is when you are out trying to get it how you live. I started working at a temp service for Fort Wayne, Indiana. This was by far the biggest mistake I got myself into. I was looking for money for a light bill I had no clue about, this is how clueless I was being as young as I was. I was underage when I even signed for mY first apartment. By meeting a boy at the age 17, who made everything look so easy. Seemed so loving, caring, patience is what I had fallen in love with. I was so uncomfortable with my body, and he made me feel comfortable. Although it took me a year to finally be comfortable, I can see the red flags today I did not see then. I think this is common for girls who go through that puppy love stage. Being young, and just having the attention, working, no kids, money. Everything seemed fine.
The first red flag is when I got paid. I could not find my card, I had a whole check come up missing, just to finally see that he was not around. Trying to think of a mother who wouldn't steal, or a sibling, it really could have been anybody. It was the first time I should have just cut all tides with everyone. I was just young. I gave this boy $200.00 to put on my light bill, the first and the last time. Just for him to come back with no receipt, and the lights shut off. He hurriedly grabs all his things and runs out of my apartment. This was the first time I actually felt betrayed by a friend. Putting trust in someone who acted as if they wanted to be there when he took everything from me. My keys to the door kept coming up missing, I did not understand how and why he could do something like this. Running back and forth from the apartment to not seeing anything of my own again.
Months go by and by the time I get more money from working, my lights are back on. I was taking good care of myself, light bill paid, food. By this time I am 17 years old, I was doing very well on my own. Then people started coming around, I was highly confused. People wanting to be a friend, but not realizing the type of people who started coming around.
When I look back at this situation, it seems like they were watching me seeing where I would be, keeping me from leaving, asking me where I am going, who I am talking to. People just don't do things like this, people who don't know you, at least from what you think. When stability came, he showed up. I was not sexually active, so I new by him being 19 years old, he was somewhere else. This was the start of me having trust issues with other men who approach me today.
I found out his brother lived in the same complex, I know where that $200.00 went. It took him almost 3 years to even introduce me to anybody. I should have known then, everyone seems to be laughing and looking. This was the start of me having trust issues with others, also affecting my social life. I had to leave, being highly uncomfortable. He still did not show back up for a whole day. I sat in y apartment and cried, wondering what was wrong with me. When he came knocking on my door, I would not let him in. He started to bang and kick on my door. I am upstairs so the noise could have gotten me put out of my apartment. He knew exactly what he was doing. Walking through my apartment, searching closets, to the bathroom tub. Mad, cursing at me because I did not want to open my door. This was the first sign of manipulation, emotional abuse, mentally. I was used to people treating me a type of way it was normal, sad to say. I tried to go and get advice from my mother, who cared nothing about what I was talking about. She actually asked me for some money, and I just went back home. At this point, I was wanting to leave the state, just go far away. I just did not understand why people felt as if they could treat me some type of way. Not knowing what love was, or what it was supposed to be like. Seeing others happy, loving each other, couples enjoying each other company. I wanted to know what it was like. To this day I can't be mad at anyone but myself for what I have been through. I really did not know any better and just wish I could turn everything around for a second chance. Things would have been much more clear, I would not have been as scared. I was very traumatized and scared of what I was experiencing. Although it took years to grow up, and see what I am worth. I am a Full-Time student, looking to finally rent again. Seeing this person still not happy, and happy for the accomplishments I have gotten is unexplainable. I am fed up with telling someone I am ready to have a home and family. Someone who questions my fertility, when I have also realized he has no children. It can not just be me, and if it was why to blame me for not having any children with you. I have tried for so many years. Just feeling like I'm not even worth anything. Seeing friends and families over the years getting married and happy. I refuse to question myself when I have no insecurity about children, well at least I didn't. This is something that is constantly heavy on my heart, I have been crying for years about this. Its something mentally, and emotionally you just can't fix. As I sit here venting, crying to tell you to be happy for the ones who really love you. Some people are very lucky to have everything and everyone in their corner. I would love to know what is it like to have a man look and want me for the positive things, not for lust, or what I can offer. I deserve better than this and I will stand by it. Don't judge people because you never know what they have been through, why, and how.
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The Beginning of My Life
nd th afave been thI am starting a new chapter in my life wanting to share what I have been through. I have taught myself everything up until now being on my own since the age of 15. I have endured so much being so young, coming across so many people with the wrong judgment of you, and the worst part is when your family is so judgmental you tend to set things straight when they find out what you have been through. Not believing you because remind you when you have help, it is totally different. When you are actually alone, back up against the wall, learning, it is the hardest thing you can go through mentally, and physically. Being you and people take an advantage of you because they know you are alone. I have been robbed by people i loved, loved, did not know, and knew but never k ew why it happened. I am suffering for just trying to even make something of my own, but when I get where I am trying to go, a simple life then I will always keep it and be happy. Maybe one day, I will have a future to grow on. People seem to change when they see you want better, seeing you struggle and realizing they really wanted nothing to do with you. Being there for others helping them achieve something just to never see you again. Or when they see you they act as if you are not the one in need. Looking, laughing, name-calling just the things that seem to really be unnecessary. Love seeing you alone, depressed, angry, frustrated. People who love you do not do things like this. I have had friends lost because of the relationships with family. Now, because of my childhood, what I been through, and where, and how I had grown up, this is what people thought of me. This living condition was not on me, I was the child this is what made me runaway at the age of 15. I was tired of a title I did not possess. I wanted my education so bad. I knew this was something I was going to need to live the life I wanted. I started failing and trying on my own because of the age barrier this prevented me from a lot of things I wanted a child. I was on the streets, living with a cousin who I thought would help and love me. I was being used then not knowing. I helped this cousin even years later, get a home they have today. It should have been me. Feeling sorry for the child that I didn't have, but who I loved because she was family I helped. I can't even call her for a ride to the store without giving $10-$15 in gas money. I have not been invited to the home still 2 years later, that I also helped her with. I thought having a boyfriend would keep me company, I was looking for love. But I look up just to be alone, and sick walking to and from work. Sleeping outside waiting on a check to come. He was never anywhere to be found. As if he was watching me because when I was able to finally pay for my room, he knocked on my door. The feelings I had, I was just hurting because I knew he did not love me. But he kept me company. He wouldn't even hold me, I figured he needed a place to stay it was obvious after a while. Working wondering why I could not keep money, going to look for it, and remembering it was only one person in my room, my "boyfriend". He would sit there and watch me cry, he didn't want anything but what I could offer. He was one of the reasons someone kicked my door n, shot my apartment up, stole my belongings. On my second day moving into my apartment, my microwave was stolen and he was the first to know and see my apartment. I lost everything and tried everything I could to do or figure out what I needed to do. To know these types of people stick around for what, knowing you are yearning for something you have always wanted love. Money does not buy happiness, you can spend all you want on someone but when it gets hard no one is there for you. You are lonely and lost. Being like this affects how you interact with people, the way you work, and will have you going in circles although everything you do is because of yourself. When I say I did not look to anyone for things that I have needed, and I worked for my motels, foods, clothing. People look at you laughing because they don't believe it just by how young you are. That is heartbreaking. I just stayed to myself for years, just to have a grown boy come around and use me when his mother put him out, or whoever. The days I have been through I think about the way I was treated, I think about it every day. I may need counseling for emotional support, but I have also realized that maybe this is something I needed to go through. To show me how ugly this world can be. What people think of young girls like me, just by how they look. The way a man can look at you, thinking you are desperate for any type of attention. I am pretty sure if I would have slept with any of those men, something would have happened. I was alone and young. I have been profiled by the police they thought I was prostituting. When the motel manager says "No, she is a good resident and keeps to herself" it shows a lot about the system. Being stereotyped because of the area you are in, and they can stop and see you are on your way to work. I fought with my mother for years, not knowing why she was always upset with me. Being told it was my fault because she was 8 months pregnant walking the stage, and how she should have cut me out her stomach is something I will never forget. A child does not ask to be in this world, especially one that is unwanted. I wanted to play sports, be in musicals but she never showed up. I tried to show her my good grades, she didn't care. I was stuck in a situation I could not get out of. I wanted to be with friends, go out and just have fun, but instead being forced to watch and basically raise your siblings is very hard on a child themselves. My youngest brother called me mom for the longest. I know that is something else she hates me for. I tried to even teach him I was his older sister. I would cry, but he didn't know any better. Having someone who is supposed to guide and love you put their hands on you constantly just for wanting to be pretty, or just go out and talk to the other girls. I was restricted from all communications.
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