The Love Destination

I have dated more guys than I care to admit. Anyone on the outside looking in would have looked at my escapades and wondered about my values. Yet, I was always searching for love. So, for those that know me, whenever you saw me in any type of situation that seemed casual or seemed like it could never go anywhere, just know that love was always the destination I had in mind. I met someone once that had an entire child while we dated on and off, and I didn’t know. And I mean someone was pregnant, someone gave birth, a child was born. There I was, the side chick unaware, believing every story, any lie accepting any form of attention and making it bigger in my own head because again, love was my destination.

I’ve dated many people like that, but I realized that the common denominator was always me. I really don’t like to blame myself, because as someone that suffers from anxiety I tend to do that already with a lot of things that have nothing to do with me. So, I really don’t want to blame me but I do know that it is important to take accountability when it’s necessary. Especially if it is going to make me grow. I have chosen the wrong man over and over because perhaps I was afraid of what real relationships were supposed to look like when they surpassed the difficult times. Plus I also felt like I needed the challenge to be in a situation where someone chose me over someone else. I always hoped they’d stop their bachelor ways to settle down with me.

Whenever these men, that were just going to be themselves anyway, would not change for me, I took it as a personal attack. I took it as a reason to explain why I was not worthy of love or why “this always happened to me.”

I’m married now. I met my husband almost two years ago.

He is the person for me, but we work hard at our relationship every single day. Being in this marriage has made me realize that one mistake that I made repeatedly when I was single was that I always thought that love had to be easy. I thought, just give them love, be available, agree with everything and you will have your happily ever after. Whatever obstacles came into play I never was frustrated enough with the man for whatever his issues were and how badly he treated me, I was always trying to change the situation and make it how it seemed in my mind.

We all learn from our mistakes, we end up having 20/20 hindsight and know too late what we should have done differently. But here is my advice to anyone who, as one exes called me, a “serial relationshipper”, (he was not a bright one, but that always stuck with me). Because he told me, “I bet if I wasn’t here you would just be with someone else and say all the same things you say to me.” Now in my defense I did have real feelings many times. But I couldn’t help but think about that for a while, because what it all came down to was that I just did not want to be alone. Really, who does?

I was married in my early 20s and was divorced after two years and then I was a single mother for over a decade. I have suffered from different kinds of abuse, and I at times just felt like I’ve been through enough and I deserved a happy ending, the fairy tale. But the ideal life that we imagine for ourselves when we’re young looks completely different when we’re older and if we continue believing that we’re waiting for that ideal we will always be disappointed. I have suffered a lot, but I was making myself suffer even more by chasing men who weren’t worthy of me anyway, and putting up with despicable behavior.

What we need to do is change the image in our minds to adapt to what is going on in our own reality. I’m only an expert in my own experience, but I guarantee that if we give ourselves a break and don’t put so much pressure on every relationship having to be “the one” then this is what could happen.

-You might have a great relationship that lasts a few weeks, have some laughs, but it doesn’t work out, then you move on and you’re not devastated. You’re alone for a while, you date again see where it goes.-

But if you spend too much time devoting yourself to someone you barely know or someone that doesn’t treat you well then this is what could happen and has happened to me many times.

-You think that every man that you date is going to be your husband, and then when it ends, you’re going to be grieving that relationship as if it was the one that you’ve been waiting for your whole life-when it was really only a few weeks of someone that was supposed to be temporary. You’re sad for too long and blame yourself along the way. Your self esteem plummets and any subsequent relationship is constantly compared to the last one.-

I’ve been head over heels for people before, that now when I look back, I know the love wasn’t there. Here are some conclusions I have come to about Love:

1- Love is something that grows over time

2- Love is most definitely not easy

3- Love does not look like abuse or violence

4- Love is something that you build on. It’s not the be all, end all. It is actually the foundation that begins a life with someone.

My husband and I are two people who had 40 plus years on earth before we met each other. We will never be perfect, it will never be the ideal. But I have learned so much about this man and he has learned so much about me and I have never loved a man like I love my husband. I’ve seen the good, I’ve seen the bad, we’ve dealt with difficult moments and we will continue to do so, along with all the happy moments and the funny times, the fighting, the making up, the learning about each other.

Getting to know a person takes almost as long as getting to know ourselves. Love takes time and we have to be OK with that because if we want the real thing then we have to put in the work it takes to achieve it. If there is anything we should put effort into it’s love.

The fairy tale is not real and when we think we have encountered it, it will most certainly not resemble reality. But that doesn’t mean that true, beautiful love is a fantasy. It just means that the prince is far from perfect, the princess has opinions and her share of bad days, the castle sits on a shaky foundation and you both have to put your crowns aside and roll up your sleeves, because that love wont build itself.

Thank you for reading.