The Lone Traveler

I have no roots. I have no home. Not tied down to anything or to anyone, I wonder freely throughout my life, making briefs stops along the way. I am but a lone traveler along my own journey. I have been alone for sometime now and I used to think I was a victim. A victim of divorced parents, of moving homes 11 times in 15 years. A victim of having no life long friends. Then I realized, I am not a victim of anything, this is who I am. I have thought a lot about setting roots down somewhere, making a home. I’ve tried to imagine myself staying in one spot for a long time. Settling down somewhere near family and growing my own. But it is not time yet.

I am so strong and independent, I’m not ready to stop yet. I rely only on myself, with my dogs by my side along this journey of mine. I am alone, not ‘lonely’ alone but traveling alone. I make stops in places often, sometimes I will stay awhile, but too long and I start to stress out and go crazy. Knowing that there is so much to see and experience. I am so young, What is the point of stopping? My love for adventure is as strong as my morning coffee. I am meant to continue, leaving things in my rear view mirror, only bringing memories. I’m not meant to rest, not for awhile.

There are times along my journey that I long to be near something familiar. So, I move close to family feeling supported and loved but my heart aches to continue. I think I should be here with them because these are people that love me unconditionally. That thought, although warm, feels like a roadblock. It makes me feel stuck. I love them but my heart wants something more. Down the road, I will eventually try to find a husband and settle down. That would be nice huh? Wouldn’t it be even better if I found someone who’s heart ached to move as well. And we struggled with concept of settling, together. But for now, I am a lone traveler.

The feeling of being stuck, hurts me so much. I feel heart broken. I go on a downward spiral where I feel depressed and hopeless. I get drug into darkness looking for my lost sparks. When I am unable to unhinge myself from this feeling, I find it hard to see the light. I look hard for sparks, knowing that if I am able to turn a spark into a flame, I release myself. Knowing that once I release, I will once again be traveling in the light. In the light of the lost sparks. Being able to one day tell a million stories of all the places I’ve lived. Knowing that I fulfilled the pressing need to go.

One day, I will no longer be a lone traveler in this world. For now, I choose to enjoy every moment of it. I choose to be who I am, strong and independent. Maybe I’ll see you along my travels, maybe not. Maybe I’ll find someone to share it with, maybe not. Constantly moving isn’t for everyone. There are times I get lost as a lone traveler. Sometimes my values get cloudy. I forget and ask myself what the hell am I doing. Then I come to a point, take a breathe and see the world so large, I have barely begun. I don’t always know where I am going, but I’ll figure it out before I get there. It’s about the journey not the destination. I will continue on as a lone traveler.