The Jenn Zone

Do not adjust your vertical… Do not adjust your horizontal… You have just entered the Jenn Zone.


For all the usual reasons I woke up at the crack of dawn this morning. It is one of those mornings where my brain has driven me completely crazy with all the things I need to get done. Until I find myself wide awake and unable to go back to sleep.


Reluctantly I roll out of bed, literally falling on the floor with a thud. Grabbing a handful of bedding I dig my finger tips into the mattress struggling to drag my still lifeless body to its feet. Just barely able to stand in my sleepy haze I shuffle down to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I might as well, I'm up now.


I am in no way prepared for turning on a light. I know the assault it will cause on every fiber of my being. I decide making my way to the kitchen in the dark is far less dangerous then the pain of light.


Shadows of the world around me are all I can see through the gray haze of predawn. The light of the moon is just barely bright enough to keep me clear of any evil pieces of furniture. Waiting on the edge of the dark to pounce a delicate piece of prey such as my poor little toes.


I manage to find my way into the kitchen and my coffee pot. My brain is still racing yet my body is barely functional. I wonder if this is what a zombie feels like. Do their brains whirl out of control on all the errands they have to do, but their bodies shuffle to get their brains? Are brains zombie coffee? Coffee, oh the smell of fresh brewed coffee! My coffee is done!


Cup finally in hand I shuffle over to the bay of windows looking out into my back yard. The black of night is melting softly into the purple-gray of dawn. The colors of my garden slowly emerge from the shades of gray. I'm not really sure if my coffee is swiftly kicking in or if it's seeing the world wake up around me, but something has me suddenly feeling alive again.


The colors of my garden become alive and vibrant. Drawing my attention to the two giant pear trees centered among all the lovely colors. Oh, I should make a fresh pear smoothie for breakfast. That just sounds so refreshing and invigorating. What a perfect way to start a busy day!


A bucket! I need a bucket, but I know I don't have one. Looking around I catch a glimpse of a laundry basket sitting on top of the dryer. Well I guess that will do, I have to wash the pears anyway.


Armed with my trusty laundry basket and the promising vision of a perfect start to my day. I triumphantly march out to the two giant pear trees, empowered with knowing I've already won this morning.


The trees loom over me as I come to the edge of my garden. Standing beneath the furthest reaching branches I don't even have to reach up to know that I will never be able to touch even the lowest hanging pear.


I curse my shortness as I look around for a boost of some sort. Oh, the laundry basket! Wait, then what will I put the pears in? UGH! Looking around there is nothing to stand on except the jagged line of rocks piled to form the boarder of my garden.


I decided to stand on one of the larger rocks to get an extra reach.  Balancing on the wobbly rock I actually manage to reach quite a few pears before the rock finally flies right out from under my foot. Throwing me off as if it were an angry bull in a rodeo. 
Somehow I manage to bang every part of my body on the all neighboring rocks before landing flat on my back. To my amazement the basket lands up right on my stomach still holding every one of my precious pears. 


The impact of my body hitting the ground forces all the air from my lungs leaving me gasping like a fish on land. While also jolting one of the pears out of the basket flying straight up back into the branches of the tree.


Still gasping for air I watch the fateful pear make its decending arc as gravity pulls it back to earth. Smacking me dead between the eyes in one last cosmic insult to my bruised body and broken ego.


How did my morning get so far away from me so fast? How do these things always seem to happen to me? Is this how my day is going to go? Maybe I should just go back to bed. Well, at least I didn't land in dog pooh... or did I?