The illusion of control

Things I've tried to get to a state where my life feels like everything is put together, everything is in order, and I never feel bad again:

meditation

yoga

Read lots of spiritual books

Attend a seminar

Counseling, therapy, counseling

Raw food diet (books always talk about feeling so "clear" and "mentally alert")

A catharsis oriented workshop

I could list many more things, but I'll stop there -- you get the idea. All the time, I was looking for something that the search itself would prevent me from finding - because all the time, I was "doing" to maintain the illusion of control.

Hopefully always - if I meditate enough, or attend the right workshops, or focus on yoga enough, maybe I can stop feeling worthless, fearful, and hopeless.

Maybe, with enough personal development, I can stand on my feet and start to feel like a good person.

My medical history included suicidal depression, eating disorders, cuts and bouts of rage, and I was ashamed of it all.

Conducting a workshop or spiritual practice is both my confession and (I hope) my gateway out of hell.

The illusion of control

Iyanla VanZant calls control "humanity's number one addiction."

I couldn't agree more.

When we are in control, we are high. Life is going our way, and we like to believe that our little will is making it happen, and that if we continue to exert our will, we will continue to be in control.

This is a dangerous illusion, because the opposite inevitably circles back:

Life throws us circumstances beyond our control. Sometimes life even offers us what we always thought we wanted, and we find ourselves unable to enjoy it -- or control how we feel about it!

Like true addicts, few of us admit that we have a problem. We deny it. I meet very, very few people who are willing to admit that they have control problems. Instead, they say something like:

"I don't want to control anything - if someone says they're going to do something, isn't it right that they should do it?

Isn't it? Expectations? Should be?

These words go straight to the heart of control.

Control can give you the illusion that your opinions are "right," that expectations can get you anywhere, and that "should" be effective in changing the behavior of others.

"When I set my mind to it, I knew I would do it."

That may be true -- but what if it doesn't happen? An addiction to control can leave you constantly worrying in the background, doing whatever it takes to fix the problem. What if it doesn't happen? Suggestive of depression, anger, or withdrawal symptoms of your choice.

Control is always an illusion. It doesn't exist. We think it exists, but that's just on the surface -- all sorts of coincidences where the visible factors seem to come together.

Control and Story

Control is built on the story's quicksand pyramid.

Capital-s stories are beliefs and assumptions that we take to be true in the world. Some serve us, some don't. If you go around the world with a story about people who are fundamentally good, that story is likely to serve you.

If you go around the world with a story that everyone is for themselves, and the world is a selfish place, then that story is probably not going to help you.

The day came -- a moment of sudden clarity for me -- when I realized that no seminar, no counselor, no book could "save" me. The story I've been sticking to about doing more "things" to feel better is completely wrong.

Instead of filling me with hope, this realization filled me with deep despair, because now I seemed to have lost even my "plan." The ground was completely off my feet.

It's like seeing a snake on a path and suddenly realizing it's not a snake -- it's a rope.

Once I see the rope, I can never go back to looking at the snake, and the truth is that part of me wants to go back to the old comfort of finding a new book, new person, or new workshop - my next "thing" will save me.

If I can't even "work my way" out of depression, what's left?

Of course, as Pema Chodron points out - when we try to get our feet under us, whether it's security in the form of relationships, or money, or living our lives the way we want, we miss the point entirely.

I learned that the real work begins when safety and security are nowhere to be found, when the ground has changed so drastically that it can no longer be counted on.

A funny thing happened when the things I had run for safety and security were no longer holding me back - I surrendered to what was in front of me.

The Art of Surrender

The Sanskrit tattoo above my ankle is the word "surrender." I left it there after a dislocated bone in my foot left me unable to walk properly for nearly two years, and on top of that, no doctor could figure out how to fix it.

This experience was one of my greatest teachers of submission and control.

For the first two years of this injury, I was in a lot of pain - totally dependent on holding my foot in place for control. I saw every doctor and tried every remedy I could find.

I spent thousands of dollars and went on hundreds of hours of dates to find solutions or work with counselors to deal with my anger and grief.

It had no effect.

When the day came, I decided I just needed to let go. That's what happened to my foot. I decided. I'm not looking for any more dates. I will look for other forms of exercise, and if I walk for fun forever -- well, so be it.

Suddenly, I felt calmer.

A week after I arrived in this space, someone said to me, "This is the number of this chiropractor you should try -- he's the best."

He is the best. He fixed my foot in five visits that countless other doctors, physiotherapists, chiropractors and podiatrists were unable to do over the past two years.

Maybe this example is a little "woo-woo mama juju" for your taste, but the point of driving home is that even if no one has ever said "talk to this person," it doesn't matter.

I gave up control, and I'm already happier.

This happens when we are willing to accept what comes along in our lives and give up engaging in desperate, obsessive manhunts to bend life to our will.

Today, I'm training for a marathon -- after doctors told me I'd never run again and that I'd have to wear orthoses for the rest of my life.

This is the power of surrender and letting go of the illusion of control: your quality of life will instantly improve. Nothing outside of you needs to change.

Leave word

If you're like me, it's at this point that you recognize yourself and you're thinking, "That sounds like what I need, but where do I start?"

I could give you ten questions to ask yourself, or three easy steps, or five helpful hints - but instead, I'll give you this:

If you start from deep within, from deep within, from the core of your inner truth, you already know where you are clinging to control. Your life is talking to you. Your life has shown you every unbalanced thing.

There is nothing to be found here, but the courage and integrity to see honestly the things that stand in the way of a true reckoning.

The best news is that, as with every unbalanced thing life shows you, your core knows exactly what the next right move is. Everyone is different.

For some, when you question a troubled relationship, your core whispers, "No, it's not time to walk away - it's time for you to act with complete integrity."

To others, your core whispers, "Let go, let go, let go."

We know our truth - we just convince ourselves that we don't and that we need outside advice or more yoga. While these can help, they are no substitute for the answers that emerge when we trust ourselves enough to go inside.

And -- I bet you realize this already -- believing yourself enough to go inside is a brave journey for a warrior of truth. It was an uncontrollable place, with no ground beneath us, just a journey ahead of us, and we had no idea where it would lead.