The Hotel Clerk

How did I find myself in this position?

I kept wondering how I had allowed myself to end up here. Sitting in a hotel bathroom on the floor between the toilet and the shower holding three towels above my head, praying that they would be enough to protect my head from what I was about to endure.

Why did you let this escalate to this extreme? Why didn't you stop it sooner? Why didn't you acknowledge the red flags?

I continued to question myself and judge myself as I was simultaneously fighting for my safety, my wellbeing, my life.

Why aren't you doing more? Why aren't you fighting harder? Screaming louder? How are you going to save yourself?

The questions seemed to grow louder in my head as my voice began to quiet. My body began to freeze as my tears continued to swell.

No one is coming for you. No one can help you. No one will believe you.

I had slowly begun to give up. To give in.

He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.

I repeated that phrase in my mind so many times trying to convince myself that I was safe. That I was loved and this is what love was.

This is what I deserve.

My body continued to shut down and I slowly started lowering my towels. I began accepting that this was the life I had chosen. This was my path, and this was my partner.

Flashes of our relationship began to appear in my mind like a flipbook.

The day he proposed. Our first high school dance together. The time he left me in a city an hour away from home alone. The time he left me stranded in a town I hadn't been to before. The times I needed to separate myself from my friends. All of the handwritten notes. The surprise coffees, and the guilt for not returning the favor soon enough.

It was all becoming too much for me to handle.

This is what I chose. Can I change my life now? Is it too late? Do I really have to live this way forever?

My heart was pounding out of my chest as I was gasping for air, not knowing what my next step would be. Not knowing what his next step would be.

Suddenly, one single knock.

A knock that was so quiet, and so subtle, that we could have both completely missed it. But we didn't.

He backed out of the bathroom, slowly began to unclench his fist, and looked through the peephole of the door.

"I don't see anyone. Open the door and look around."

Someone heard me?!

I don't think I ever stood up that fast before in my life. I walked over to the door and prayed that someone was on the other side. Before I was able to open it, I took a deep breath and composed myself, still believing that this was destined to be my life.

I needed to convince whoever it was that I was okay with it.

Thump, thump, thump.

"Rose, what the hell is going on?! Open this door!"

It was my mom's voice.

I instantly became weak. I could barely turn the handle out of shame, fear, guilt, and gratitude as I began to sob.

Once I cracked it, she pushed the door open and dragged me out of the room closing the door directly behind her.

My mind was both chaotic and silent at the same time. I couldn't make any sense of what had just happened.

She pulled me into her room, which happened to be right next door.

"I had no idea that was you in there. I called the front desk and complained about noise, and reported the screaming. I turned my TV up several times to try and cancel out the noise from your room."

I stared at her in disbelief. I couldn't believe out of all thirteen hotel rooms we had reserved that evening for our colleagues and friends that my partner and I ended up in the room next door to hers.

"The hotel clerk decided to come to our floor and investigate. He discovered that it was coming from your room. He knocked on my door and asked me if I was okay. I said yes, I was just tired and wanted to sleep. I asked if there was anything that he could do. He informed me that the noise I was hearing was coming from my daughter's room. I was shocked."

From my experience at hotels up to that point, we had only ever received phone calls asking us to lower our voices or turn down our TV. Never had a clerk physically explored a complaint in my experience.

However, because he came to our room, because he could hear my cries, and the vulgar language my partner was using, he was able to identify that more was needed than a simple phone call.

A phone call wouldn't stop the abuse, it would simply quiet it.

A phone call wouldn't end the violence, it would just delay it.

A phone call wouldn't make an impact, it wouldn't make a change.

Because the hotel clerk came to our room he was able to determine the best reaction possible, which in this case was the influence, support, and strength of a loving mother.

I don't think of that night very often anymore, however, when I do, I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

The simple actions of a complete stranger, going above and beyond his responsibility, and connecting the dots, saved my life.

The Hotel Clerk saved me from a life of misery, abuse, and violence.

The Hotel Clerk saved me from my own self-doubt and sparked a fierce fire of self-love within me.

The Hotel Clerk saved me in a way no one else could have.

I never got to officially meet my hero as his shift ended shortly after I was brought into my mom's room, and he was a few doors down the hall observing from a distance, standing next to a phone in case the situation escalated, but I refer to that night as "The Pivot" and he was "The Push."

The Hotel Clerk provided me with a small opportunity to pivot.

His actions that night have continued inspiring me to push.

I now push beyond the boundaries of my mind. I push beyond my set scope of work. I push beyond my fears and my challenges.