The Highly Sensitive Human.

Human creation is inevitably bound for error. The marriage of two humans genetics - cross breeding the good and the bad- its a game of chance . You can never be entirely certain of what physical health or mental health detriments you are passing onto your child . Yet we go forth ; passionately creating , eating those extra vegetables , praying to our higher powers , and affirming the well being of the life growing inside that mothers womb, patiently awaiting their arrival .

Before you know it ( and usually before you yourself are even mentally or financially prepared ) that beautiful miniature human is ready to enter the world . You've already endured the stress of the genetic testing and been told everything looks fine, you've been to ultrasounds to make sure all their limbs are properly developed, everything looked good there too . Unfortunately , its never enough . There's no certain way to tell you if your child will have some form of autism , or any other kind of neurodivergence that will make navigating daily life a challenge for them . There is no way to tell if they will be born seemingly happy but become depressed or anxious or if they will have a brain that will make them more inclined to become addicted to drugs.

It is unfortunately unlikely that you'll notice that your " overly " emotional or rambunctious toddler , isn't like other kids . Maybe you wont see the panic in their eyes when you enter a crowded place . Maybe you wont be phased by them having to plug their ears if noises are too loud , or if they start being emotionally out of control if their environment is overstimulating . Maybe you'll think its a just a weird little quirk when you see them counting floor tiles , or inquisitively scanning a room before entering it . Maybe you'll consider that all normal , or maybe you'll just be afraid to tell someone and hear of a diagnosis that may mean something you did caused their " flaws ". Maybe the thought of acknowledging that you don't have a common child , means also acknowledging that maybe you or your spouse aren't common either .

We live in a world where we share our highlight reels. We live in a world where perfection is priority , we live in a world where acknowledgment of imperfection and discord are seen as bad things . We live in a world where physical ailments are acknowledged but mental health is not . A world where your supposed to fit in boxes , and follow directions , and be robotic. We have become so disconnected from not only our own intricacies but also the small and important details of each other and the world around us. When we begin to notice the little things , and care enough to ask questions to understand them better , we make each other feel seen and heard and understood . The way we feel , and the things we think are important . We are all valuable pieces of a very large puzzle and learning how we all fit together is imperative.

I am on the cusp of 29 and just finally beginning to understand myself . If I had not had an " uncommon " child , I'd never have been exposed to my own "uncommon " things. My 4 year old daughter (Sage Luna) , was evaluated by a behavioral therapist and we collectively came to the conclusion that she is a highly sensitive person or HSP . I thought she may be on the autism spectrum, but after the evaluation I was told that being an HSP is actually not neurodivergence but a personality trait . 15 - 20% of people actually have this personality trait , but it is so underdiscussed that most people - children most unfortunately - have no idea how to navigate it and go their whole lives without the resources and tools and support that is necessary.

From the moment I learned this about my daughter , I indulged in literature , Ted Talks , Podcasts and talked to other parents with similar children . The more I read and learned about HSP's the more I realized I am one . My entire life I just thought I was born broken. I was always having an internal battle , constantly overthinking , over feeling , overstimulated . I was always called too sensitive , always told I was a baby. I always struggled with learning , focusing specifically . I could be having a conversation and hearing a conversation four tables over about a woman who just lost her son and start crying and the person talking to me would be immensely confused. Strangers come up to me and feel comfortable unloading their heaviest baggage as if I am an old friend. If a funeral procession passes me while driving I have to pull over to cry . When I get invited to large gatherings I require alone time immediately after to decompress . When I go grocery shopping I am paying attention to every detail of everything around me , I notice what song is playing , the emotions in peoples eyes , a light flickering , and feel so overstimulated I find it hard to complete the task at hand . I over analyze everything , my emotions are never neutral they are always abnormally heightened . I am incredibly receptive of how others are feeling even if they are trying to mask it . I am tremendously aware of all subtleties in my environment at all times so I burn out easily. I require a lot of " withdrawal " through out the day to recalibrate my emotions . I am outrageously sentimental . I am deeply moved by songs , art , nature & animals. If I have a lot on my to do list , I will elect to do nothing at all which inevitably creates a detrimental state of disassociation and avoidance.

Sometimes all of my deep emotions and the persistent overstimulation make me feel defeated . Sometimes my anxious brain starts telling me I will never be able to conquer it all , sometimes it tells me I will always be weighed down by emotion . Sometimes it even gets darker in my brain . Sometimes the anxiety and overstimulation will manifest as depression , suicidal ideation , or periods of uncontrollable crying that I cant explain nor stop . Sometimes it is weeks or months of not answering texts to avoid feeling like I have to be plugged into others needs or emotions . Other times its saying NO constantly when I am invited places , because the thought of being around so many peoples energies exhausts me. I cant watch violent shows or movies . I loose my patience and snap at people when I feel like too much is being expected of me at once. I have intricate conversations with myself within the walls of my mind , a lot of times things I wish to share but don't because for years I was picked on for being different and my feelings were usually misconstrued .

For most of my life I felt like I was a literal alien or perhaps just an incredibly old soul trapped in a young flesh suit. I would scream on the top of my lungs that I wished I didn't have to feel so deeply anymore. I would have awful internal dialog around how I looked or how I behaved from years of listening to other judgments of what was " wrong " with me . I developed so many odd routines that I require each day to feel safe and protected at home. I will get up out of bed at 2 am to check that my wallet is in my pocketbook or that all the stove nobs are turned to off. Ill pop up at 4 am to text a friend that I love them and am grateful to have them in my life. Sometimes ill flash back to a moment and be so engulfed in the details of the memory - the smells the feelings - that I'll literally just start to cry. I pick up on the discord within others and when I do I will retrace steps in my brain to figure out if it was something I said or did . I always joke to myself I don't need to work out because my mind is always freakin' running. I understand that all I am can be a lot for some people , for others it can even be triggering. I realize that who I am can reflect to others the pieces of them selves that they wont acknowledge. Who I am often forces others to feel , and a lot of times it brings up repressed emotions for them . Its not been easy for me to maintain relationships , jobs , or even a clean house because the moment something begins to feel mundane , I shift gears to something with more depth . I am working to pivot that , not graciously I admit , but I am working on it.

I am grateful to be spending the last year in my twenties as a year of forgiveness and understanding toward myself. I am unlearning all I was taught about who to be , and what to omit from who I am in order to appease others. I aim to educate people about our vast differences and how we need to allocate more time within our daily lives to pay attention to life's subtleties and each others intricacies . We were not all put here to be the same, to learn the same or think the same or act or dress or feel the same. If we continue to put our kids into boxes instead of embracing their oddities , we will have a future of desensitized and disconnected robots . The future will lack substance and passion . All differences , the good , the bad , the ugly , it is all relevant , it is all important. Societally we need to be more accepting and understanding that there are infinite layers within each of us and others shouldn't have to suppress themselves for your comfortability. Neurodivergent humans are not flawed , nor are highly sensitive people . We were created differently because our differences create contrast and contrast creates change. So in my 29th rotation around the sun I promised myself to allow myself to take up space , to step fully into who I came forth to be , and to speak unapologetically about it all , in hopes to reach others like me and encourage them to embrace their uncommon .