The Explanation that You Wanted but Will Never Get

Ideally, you were quite perfect for me. You’re a very kind person, honest, caring, smart, talented and honestly, intimidatingly good at everything. You made me feel very safe and comfortable very quickly. You made me laugh and always remembered to say things that would light up my mood all the time when we were still together. Until out of nowhere, I told you we were finished.

You were confused and angry maybe? You told me you were sad, really sad, especially because when you asked me why, all I said was that I was sorry. Even then, even when you told me you were sad I couldn’t give you the reason, it was your right to know but I just couldn’t admit it.

The truth is, if I told you why, you would’ve convinced me to stay and I would have. And I wasn’t brave enough for that.

I left you because I felt my feelings for you. I felt it growing, that turning point where you were becoming somebody that I really wanted in my life.

Stupid, I know.

Since you have been so honest with me and have put so much effort despite my silent distance on the days when I was reminding myself to be careful, it was becoming too perfect. The thing is, I have seen it too many times to the people that are close to me that, sometimes, even if we work hard on it, a happy ending just doesn’t happen. Instead we end up in a cycle of pain affecting not only us but other people as well; we end up staying even though the line of respect has been crossed and we have done the one thing that we said we wouldn’t do. Hurt each other. And because I met you after somebody else has hurt me greatly, I was even more terrified.

Maybe these aren’t good excuses, but they were enough to scare me despite the fact that you had been perfect.

What if I met you first? Why couldn’t you have just come into my life two years earlier, asked me to go to EatStreet with you two years earlier?

I would have taken the risk. Two years before we met, I was still willing to believe that a relationship with me would be different from the horrible ones that I’ve witnessed.

Don’t get me wrong, it was not something that you did or did not do that was not enough to make me believe again, I was just so scared. You are an amazing person, and maybe, years from now, I would regret not taking that risk with you, or maybe we were just another lesson for each other? I’m not quite sure what kind of lesson you would have gotten out of me but I learned a lot from you.

I’m deeply sorry that I have hurt you. In terms of relationships, what ifs and “if I could go back in time,” I would have told you the truth instead. I would have been more open about my past relationships and why I felt the way I felt.

And I would like to thank you. For reminding me that it feels good to be with somebody, that there are people that can be trusted, people that are worth taking the risk for. Thank you for taking care of me even though you had no idea why I seemed so sad sometimes. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be in a relationship where I wasn’t afraid all the time of doing something wrong.

And I am very sorry that I was able to trust you with everything but myself.