The English Teacher's Notebook

Each Tuesday and Thursday morning at 8:15 sharp Professor Adams walks into the lecture hall. Unwilling to sacrifice a second of time she begins talking as she makes way to the lectern at the front of the room. “Your quiz grades were posted just before I walked in the door.” She continued setting up her mobile classroom. “Most of you did pretty good. There were some little hiccups we are going to review, but not too bad overall. I will pass back your paper quizzes next time and you can see me in office hours if you have any questions about your grade or any of the concepts.”

In my opinion the worst time to pass back grades is at the beginning of class. How are people supposed to engage with new material when they are processing the success or failure of every life decision based upon this one numerical expression of their performance? Whether the grade was going to be good or bad was not the issue. The fact that it existed in my world was the issue. I could not think about anything else until I saw it. Everything Professor Adams said after “Your quiz grades are posted,” did not matter. It fell on deaf ears. As the computer booted up the online learning platform my mind drifted. If I didn’t pass this quiz, is it even worth staying for a lecture today? Is it even worth staying in college? When the page loaded the 50% next to my submission glared back at me. My eyes began to haze over. I tensed my eyelids and released. My vision cleared enough to confirm what I had seen, 50%. Before I could catch myself my eyes glassed completely over and my mind scrambled. With my eyes closed I attempted to count to ten. This usually works. When my eyes opened again I was still in the lecture hall. My colleagues were still around me listening, asking questions, and taking notes on Professor Adams’ lecture. For me; however, sound was not being transmitted from my ears to my brain, movies containing images of the world around me were not being played on my brain’s television. The drive-in is closed. All communication with critical systems ceased functioning. My cerebrum froze. This is a condition I have grown accustomed to throughout the years; I was in a psychosis brought about by a combination of stress and Attention Deficit Disorder.

Now that I was alone in my reality I stared at the two numbers hugging each other. 50, 5-0. They were quite disagreeable in appearance, an unsightly blemish on the screen, an ill-favored offering for the start of my day, festering, disgraceful, and hideous. Ugly. The numbers were ugly in every sense of the word. Without hesitation my brain began to deliberate whether the numbers were ugly because of who they were as individuals, or who they are together in this current context. Individually the numbers were okay looking. Five is important because it provides you with a volume setting between zero and ten that isn’t completely deranged, but visually it’s hard to classify in a specific box because of the complex curve and angle vibe. It is rude to judge on looks, and would be an unfair assumption to classify number five as a bully for hoarding the volume glory simply because they have a better PR person. And the number zero? Who doesn’t love a zero? Zero is the yin and yang of the number world. It is the top of the negative and the bottom of the positive. Actually it’s somewhere in the middle. Zero gives us a flat surface to grow from and a firm bottom to sink to. The circular glory in this numerical representation is aesthetically pleasing. The zero provides us with a beginning and an end, while the ovate form reminds us the journey can be longer than expected. The zero is not hated by the other numbers, but they’re hesitant to get too close because in math anything associated with a zero winds up a zero. Overall I could not come up with a reason to feel one way or the other about five and zero individually. I began to consider my feelings on the significance of the two embraced in each other's clutches, but class ended and I was brought back into the world by the vibration of chairs and shoes brushing atop the carpet.

After class I wandered the streets of downtown Madison, in a daze. My mind still fixated on my grade and the ominous overtones it provided first thing in the morning. Recently a feeling of deep longing for home had begun to grow inside me. Would these seemingly harmless numbers be the final straw? If I dropped out now I could save my GPA, and leave on my terms. I have already earned enough credits to renew my teaching license. If I left now I would forfeit nothing.

The pandemic made the decision an easy one. The University of Wisconsin system announced they were going virtual after Spring Break on Wednesday. On Friday, March, 13 I drove 26 hours straight from Madison, Wisconsin to Las Vegas, Nevada. Maybe I succumbed to imposter syndrome. Maybe I should have taken Kanye’s ‘College Dropout’ album out of my car, or should not have read Kerouac’s ‘On The Road’ last summer. Maybe I simply envisioned a life bigger than writing margin jokes in academic drab later to be repeated at luncheons hoping to make an impression strong enough to achieve coveted tenure. Maybe I was just another academic burnout. Maybe I was bullied by a five, or I associated too much with a zero. Whatever the reason, I knew when I left that morning I was not returning to Madtown.

I did not really think it through. While I was not living lavishly on my income from the University I was bringing home a paycheck. Now there was nothing coming in. My savings would only go so far in a city like Vegas. I moved into a studio apartment in the northwest and began looking for a job. Through previous connections I found work as a tutor. My friend's daughter was failing her Algebra class and needed help getting through summer school. Math clearly was not my friend, but I needed work and the opportunity seemed like a quick way to pull in some extra money and save my nestegg. Tutoring helped me through the summer, but my income stopped when the summer school session ended. Leaving me once again in a desperate search for work.

While there are always teaching jobs, they may not always be the teaching job you want. Given my statistics dilemma with fives and zeros I have already decided I am ill equipped to teach math. But in desperation a job is a job, and the first offer on the table happened to be a middle school Math Teacher for students with learning disabilities. As a Special Education Teacher I am confident in my ability to provide differentiated instruction and learning strategies that help my students through school and life, but I was less confident in my ability to Math. Until this point my math experience consisted of my summer tutoring gig, and teaching exactly one semester of retake Algebra to freshmen in a co-taught classroom. A classroom in which the extent of my being able to help consisted of me answering student questions with, “I don’t know, let's go ask the teacher.” I WAS THE TEACHER!

In preparing for my new position I decided to look at the layout of the middle school math curriculum. It was all Greek and Latin. My eyes began to glaze but I was able to catch myself. My eyes stayed clear as I stared at the diagram of connections, but my mind once again began to wander. Given all the attention I have given to English Literature and the written word throughout the years at the expense of ignoring the importance and intense complexity of mathematics, it is easy to understand why statistics is where I failed in pursuit of a terminal degree. Somewhere along the way I forgot the basic principles of math that I know I knew. As a self-identified English person I have ignored every lesson Math ever tried to teach me.

My education has been deeply entrenched in literature. I have read all the high school classics on multiple occasions, teaching these takes little preparation. This has caused my teaching philosophy for the last five years to fall somewhere around “At the beginning of the year I teach whatever I want and at the end of the year I generally follow the curriculum because it’s Shakespeare and someone else planned it.” If I was going to be successful in my new position that laissez-faire attitude would not suffice. It became clear I would have to create my own reference guide to get through tough moments of complete ignorance regarding basic mathematical principles. In my possessions I found a small black Moleskine notebook I had kept for just the occasion. This little black book measuring approximately two by three inches would hold my darkest secrets and greatest weaknesses- elementary math skills. At twenty-eight double sided pages I was certain all the math in the world could fit within its pages. I set out that day to create a math notebook for English teachers.

As the notebook began to take shape I dubbed it the English teacher’s notebook. An inside joke with myself as it held no principles of grammar, and no one else knew of its existence. The minor principles of mathematics which had escaped me slowly began to return. Concepts I deemed unnecessary when I was in the student seats of middle and high school demonstrated a subtle relevance in aspects of my life that I had previously ignored or chalked up to a coincidence. A strange dichotomy began to emerge leading me to wonder if I was being punished for being a lax student, or being given a second chance to learn absolute truths of the universe.

The first pages contained a list of math symbols, beginning with the basic operations that everyone needs to know; addition, subtraction, multiplication and division (➕,➖,✖, ➗). Followed by symbols for equality and comparison; the equal sign, greater than, less than, and congruent (=, ≥, ≤, ⩭). And the signs representing percentage, money, and degrees; (%, $, °). My glossary of math symbols grew as new characters reinstalled in my memory bank. No knowledge of math would be complete without an understanding of the infinity symbol (∞), or identifying that the Greek representation of the holiest of math numbers; π is equal to 3.14. These symbols were juxtaposed with lesser known characters including those for the words “therefore,” (∴) and “because,” (∵). By the middle of the year I had a succinct list of 45 symbols necessary to understand middle school mathematical jargon.

Following the glossary of math symbols is a page showing the conversion of Roman Numerals to the more commonly used Arabic Numbers. As a teacher I conceit this is less important in middle school and more important when you want to know which Super Bowls have included a performance by Beyonce. Beyonce has performed in three Super Bowls; XXXVIII (38), XLVII (47), and L (50). During Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2003 Beyonce performed the national anthem, at XLVII in 2013 as the headliner she hosted a Destiny’s Child reunion, and in 2016 at Super Bowl L she was a guest performer for Bruno Mars with her current hit at the time “Formation.”

The next pages were filled with colorful reference charts for different concepts. Place value was presented in orange and teal one one page. Scientific notations contrasted nicely in red and black on the next. Pages filled up quickly in the beginning with vocabulary, equations, subtle rhymes reminding future mathematicians how to work with negative and positive integers or find the mean, median and mode of a number set.

In the span of the first semester the true beauty of the math notebook began to bloom. Colorful images of numbers, formulas, theorems and absolute truths tattooed the pages. Delight washed over me each time I sat to prepare daily lessons. A deep love for math began to surface. My excitement reignited each day wondering what equation or property I would stumble upon and add to my notebook. I also loved the notebook though I am not certain why. It could be because of the knowledge it holds, or the labor I put into it. But I think the real reason I am in love is because math was finally fun. The English teacher’s notebook was an informative art project. Principles I have long shunned were showing me their true beauty.

Soon it occurred to me I could copy every math classroom graphic I have ever seen or used into my notebook, thus creating a teacher tool to share with students without distraction in their moments of uncertainty and mathematical confusion. Shortly thereafter I dedicate pages to a multiplication chart, pie graph representations of fractions, drawings of shapes and their names and necessary formulas. On several pages I create art projects while taking in the information of lessons provided by my co-teacher. Drawing helps me listen. At least I learned something in school. One page was dedicated as an homage of the all important Pi. Two adjacent pages somewhere in the middle are dedicated to line drawings that can either make no sense or depict a rainbow depending on where you focus. As my students' needs became more clear I added notes on each way to convert fractions, and a word bank to decode math problems. Lastly, to pay my respects to my graduate studies in statistics I included notes on ratios, proportions, and variables- all things discussed in seventh grade math.

Outside of math, the best lesson in the book comes from a quoted off-the-cuff remark made in the middle of January by my co-teacher; “Math is about learning how to persevere.”

Sitting in the back of the classroom halfway through coloring in the pages of sacred secrets my co-teacher learned of the existence of the notebook. She asked to see it. While she flipped through the sacred text I explained the purpose. She echoed what I had already thought of, “This would be a great tool for students.” We decided to work together to fill the remaining pages with the material that was to be covered in the fourth quarter curriculum. She conned me into making her an identical copy, so I wrote the second edition of my English teacher’s notebook. The second edition was cleaner and more organized. I quickly fell in love with the second edition. At times I questioned if I loved the second edition more than the original. On more than one occasion in the process of creating my Bride of Frankenstein I considered giving away the original and running away with the second edition. In the end I decided to salvage my relationship with OG and present my co-teacher, who taught me most of the things in my English teacher’s notebook, an upgraded second edition. As the fourth quarter began we began using the reference guide with students. They became obsessed, the cute notebook provided a nerdy, mad scientist vibe they craved. Counterfeits began to appear, posters hung up in rogue locations around the school announcing a pop up store- Authentic English Teacher’s Notebook- on sale now- $10- Cash Only! They provided a QR Code and were sent instructions. School administration attempted to close down the counterfeit English teachers notebook ring, but the daily supply of notebooks sold quickly and the crowd dissipated before they could arrive. The sales continued and as math teachers the only way we could figure it to beat it, was teach it. We began taking a small portion of each class to reteach basic math skills and give the students time to create and spend time getting to know and love their notes. It all seemed crazy at the time, but art has a way of bringing out the best in people even if they are doing something as boring as Math.

Following Spring vacation a break came in the case of the English teacher’s notebook ring. The culprit was a student from a local high school. No one knew how he received a copy and he refused to say. Just said he refused to apologize because it is a basic human right for people to have this information. He talked about how the notebook helped him remember the small things that tend to fall out of his head when he’s stressed. He told a friend about it and the friend offered to pay him $10 for a copy. Then another friend offered him $10, then his friends offered $10, and so on. “Before I knew it I was sitting on $20,000.”

School district officials were adamant he had broken copyright laws. I assured them that this was not the case, “Maybe intellectual property laws, but that's not important. What is important is I wrote this notebook so my students would have something to reference. So I would have something to reference, because I know that feeling. The terror that overtakes you when every thought falls out of your head at once, just as you are asked to demonstrate how much you know. This book took away all my uncertainty and anxiety about a topic I have struggled with for years, and now him and his peers don’t have to face that struggle. He just went the extra mile and mass produced it for our general public. It’s dumb to condemn him for doing what I could not.”

The people above my pay grade still wanted him to be punished, so I worked out a deal that he would forfeit the $20,000 to me and I would use the funds to provide each student in as many schools as possible their own authentic Moleskine English teachers notebook filled from cover to cover with all the math they needed to know.

He agreed to the terms.