The definition of stupid, or?

Th

I remember it all, just like it was yesterday, well most of it... I was at my local pub, it was a Saturday night in autumn. The weather was just right, not too hot but also not cold enough to wear a jacket. I was wearing black flares and black boots with a heel much higher than I was used to ~ and I was pretty impressed with how well I was navigating in the heels after a few too many wines. Up top, I was wearing a shimmering silver singlet top with sequins on it.. It sounds atrocious but it was actually quite stylish for the times. I was never a huge makeup girl but I had a small amount on, a little powder, a little eyeliner, lip gloss and mascara, just to offer some highlights.

I remember it all, just like it was yesterday, well most of it... I was at my local pub, it was a Saturday night in autumn. The weather was just right, not too hot but also not cold enough to wear a jacket. I was wearing black flares and black boots with a heel much higher than I was used to ~ and I was pretty impressed with how well I was navigating in the heels after a few too many wines. Up top, I was wearing a shimmering silver singlet top with sequins on it.. It sounds atrocious but it was actually quite stylish for the times. I was never a huge makeup girl but I had a small amount on, a little powder, a little eyeliner, lip gloss and mascara, just to offer some highlights.

My friends and I often went to our local pub for a few drinks, a game of pool and to catch up with each other after our busy work weeks. There were ten of us on this particular night and by about 10pm, I was the only one left and not quite ready to go home.. So, I purchased another drink at the bar and moved into the pokies area of the pub. Mainly because it was the only place you could sit at a pub on your own and not look like an exceptional loser.

I put a twenty dollar note in Queen of the Nile, my favorite poker machine and slowly started throwing my money down the drain... A favorite past time of mine... Because let's be honest, who ever really comes out on top playing pokies?

I'd just about finished my drink when the guy sitting at the machine next to me turned to me and asked if he could buy me a drink.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure. I was 23 and I wasn't stunning by any stretch of the imagination.

I had blonde, long hair, blue eyes and a slight tan, I was of average build, certainly nothing to write home about, something akin to fried eggs in the bust department, quite tall but also plain. I wouldn't say I was completely hideous, but I certainly wasn't a knock out like most of my friends, I was the black sheep. Out of all of us, I was the one who was habitually single... Not by choice, but I just never seemed to attract the attention of guys my age or guys who I found attractive. Any interest I received was usually from middle aged men, creepy and certainly not my cup of tea. To say I was inexperienced would be fair. I wasn't a virgin... I had had 'practice sex' with a good friend for quite a few years (another story for another time) and the odd drunken pash here and there. As far as random hookups or dating went, I was inexperienced. I'd only been on a few dates and mostly they had gone badly. But, I was pretty excellent at making new friends, so I wasn't overly worried....

So, when the handsome guy with striking green eyes, a beautiful smile and rich mocha skin, turned to me and asked if he could buy me a drink... I immediately looked over my shoulder to see who he was speaking to. When I turned and there was no one behind me, he laughed at me and said 'I'm talking to you, pretty eyes, what's your poison?'

After a sharp intake of breath that I hoped he missed, I felt a flush spread across my features and down my neck, as my heart rate spiked.... 'He's talking to me? He must be waaaay drunk or blind!' I thought. I was going to say 'no thanks, I'm just about to head home' because, I really was about to leave and also, I was starkly aware that I was out on my own at a pub late at night...

I'd been texting some friends who were out at another pub and knew they were still out, so I felt a little safer and decided to stay for one drink.. What harm could it do?

Nobody had ever bought me a drink before and I was hesitant to accept. But I threw on my awkward AF, flushed smile and said 'I would love a vodka pineapple please'. Mr sparkling eyes introduced himself as Xander and then introduced his mate, Bryce who was sitting at the next machine down. We went to the bar together and after receiving our drinks, a vodka pineapple for me and a Jimmy and coke for both Xander and Bryce, the boys wanted to play pool and asked if I'd join them.

I was having fun, more than I'd expected. Playing pool with the boys, a couple of randoms and even winning a game or two. Xander kept smiling at me and I could feel his eyes penetrating through me whenever my back was turned. It wasn't a bad feeling, it did surprise me though, nobody ever really looked at me like that..

He called me over and gave me a couple of gold coins and told me to pick some music on the jukebox, anything I liked. With a tremulous smile, I walked over to the jukebox and after scrolling through, I picked a couple of fun songs, Run DMC, Ghetto Superstar and of course I threw in the all time favorite pub anthem, Living on a Prayer... I returned to the table as 'It's like that' by Run DMC blasted through the speakers and he gave me an appreciative smile and nod. We were standing together waiting for our next turn in the game of pool as I felt him move in close behind me. He slowly slid his hands around my waist and gently pressed his lips to the side of my cheek, then rested his chin on my shoulder, where he stayed, holding onto me gently. I had to school myself not to stiffen and tried to calm my heartbeat... Mr sparkle eyes was making a move and I wasn't upset about it. I was surprised as anything and it was actually, really, really nice... Nobody had ever held me like that before, casually or not and I had a warmness rush through me, shooting all the way down my body, right to the tips of my toes. I had to consentrate very hard not to smile like an absolute idiot and keep my composure as I relaxed back into him. It was my turn next, and I stepped away from him, to my surprise, I was somewhat reluctant to leave him, abandoning that warm feeling inside as I stepped up to the pool table to take my shot..

It must have been something in the air that night because I was in top form, I engaged shark mode and I had the magic touch, I was playing pool like I was born on a pool table... I carelessly sunk ball after ball and I won't deny, it felt amazing to beat the guys. I could clearly see the shock and in turn admiration on their faces as my confidence grew a little. I'd always been quite good at pool but I wasn't consistent, so I was pretty stoked with myself for being on point that night!

After my amazing success, I opted out of further games to retire as the reigning champion.. It was time to quit while I was ahead and I told the boys I'd happily just sit and watch for the next few games... To my surprise, Xander did the same. He excused himself and went to the bar and returned with a full round of drinks for each of us and a sparkling smile. He sat on a stool, positioned in a recessed nook next to our table so he could clearly see the game of pool Bryce was playing and reached out to pull me in against him. My back was pressed up against him and his hands slid back around my waist and held me gently. It was a nice feeling, it felt safe, warm and secure. We both conversed easily with the guys playing pool while watching Bryce take win after win, he was quite the pool shark and it was fun to watch him revel in his success.

We settled into an easiness between us and when I felt warm lips on my collarbone, I felt my stomach do a flip, his lips were soft, gentle and warm... He moved them up my neck to my ear and a shiver ran through my entire body. He must have felt it and laughed out 'you like that babe?' I nodded my agreement, because I did like it, very much. Even if I was still in disbelief that this amazingly funny, attractive guy was showing me any attention at all... And he called me Babe? #Flush.. He took my hand as he turned me around to face him and pulled me gently forward into a soft kiss... His eyes searched mine for approval, I nodded again and his kiss deepened, his tongue gently probing and teeth nipping at my bottom lip playfully. It was the kind of kiss you could lose yourself in and boy did I lose myself.. I melted into him, let the scent of his aftershave wrap around me, sparking my senses, taking in his warmth and gentle appreciation. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced...

We continued our fun banter, and occasional kissing while cheering Bryce on as he mastered one competitor after another..

As the pub announced last drinks, Xander and Bryce said they had some friends coming to pick them up to go to a house party. I decided I would go home when they left, I'd had a nice night but my bed was calling. As we walked out onto the street, I said goodbye to Bryce then turned to Xander to say goodbye, as I turned to him, he took my hand and asked if I'd like to go with him and his friends to the party... If I hadn't been alone, I may have considered going, as nice as the boys had been, I was smart enough not to get in a car full of men I didn't really know as the only female, especially while intoxicated. I mean, chances are it would be fine but I wasn't one to take risks of that kind, so I thanked him for the invitation but said no, I should go home. Xander looked unhappy and asked me again to go with them. After I declined for the second time, he smiled and said 'No worries, before you go, will you take a small walk with me, I'd like to say goodnight and get your number'. He turned to Bryce and they had a muted conversation. As Xander returned to face me, Bryce shot me a wink over his shoulder with a big smile as he pulled his phone out and started texting. Their ride hadn't arrived yet, nor had any taxi's, so I agreed to take a short walk. Xander took my hand and nodded towards a driveway two buildings down from the pub, he squeezed my hand and lead me down the slight hill to the driveway and turned into it. I hesitated and he turned and gave me a reassuring smile over his shoulder, so I followed.

I had butterflies in my stomach, this wasn't the sort of thing I ever did and I wondered if maybe he would want to see me again... I walked a little nervously behind him as we walked towards the end of the driveway, not far from the street and dimly lit, to a dead end in the form of a roller shutter door. It was here that things changed pace and I was caught off guard...

At first Xander leant in and kissed me softly, then he took a step backward, took hold of my hips, and in seconds I was spinning as I felt my back slam into the cold metal of the roller shutter door, closely followed by the full force of Xanders body, crushing up against me. He was suddenly ten feet tall and seemed like the strongest man in the universe. He was everywhere I could see, all I could see, all I could smell. His body was an impenetrable solid wall pinning me against the cold, hard metal. I felt like I had nowhere to go, no chance of moving and as I tried to push him away and get him to stop, my hands were pulled away from my body roughly and pinned hard against the metal. He leaned in and I inhaled his pungent breath as I felt his tongue pry my lips open as he rammed it into me... He pushed his tongue furiously around inside my mouth while grinding himself against me impossibly hard, I could barely breathe. It happened so fast, I didn't really understand what was going on... I couldn't work out why I couldn't move or why I couldn't breathe.. It all felt so surreal.. When I tried to push against him again and get my hands free and reclaim my mouth, he smashed me and my hands hard back against the metal, I felt the back of my head bang against the hard, cold metal and bounce as a sharp pain spread down my neck... He then looked straight at me, into my eyes and said breathily through his bourbon stench 'don't fucking move, bitch...' As he spoke, a terrifying chill ran through me like a wave, it was then I realised that this wasn't a joke, he wasn't joking.. I felt a chilling cold and numbness as I looked up and met his eyes, they were like black caverns staring back, an impossible darkness, so different to the eyes that had sparkled at me inside the pub... I felt confused as a spike of fear rushed through me, a sudden wild panic, a strange tingling sensation, it was like I couldn't feel my body properly, an overwhelming numbness spreading through me, like my body no longer belonged to me and I was just a passenger looking through the eyes of someone else's.. An empty shell.. I was inside that shell and there was no escape..

All sounds suddenly muffled and all I could hear was a deafening boom ~ boom, boom ~ boom in my ears along with a resounding ringing, which seemed to distance me further. My stomach dropped and suddenly, so did I, as I was forced down hard, onto my knees. I felt the hard concrete bite through my jeans as it broke the skin and ripped my jeans..

It felt like it happened in slow motion, just like when you press pause on a movie and move forward frame by frame... First, he undid his belt buckle, it was polished silver, I remember the details on it vividly... His belt was attached to a worn, brown leather belt. He was wearing jeans and as the zipper drew down, I tried to turn my head away... He dropped his belt and buckle and grasped my face between both hands and jerked my head back to centre, to face him... to face his....

I tried again to pull away, to pull back but there was nothing but cold, hard metal behind me, I felt fingers suddenly tangle through my hair roughly and a sharp pain as my head jerked forward and suddenly I was choking, my mouth was full, I felt like I couldn't breathe, my gag reflex was taking hold, my eyes were wet, my face was wet, tears I didn't know I'd shed were streaming down my face, I don't know how it happened... I wanted to close my eyes but they wouldn't shut, it was like a vice was holding them open, unable to blink, staring into nothingness, through a liquid blur, the cold metal of the belt buckle searing my forehead.

I couldn't see, I couldn't focus, I felt another sharp pain as my hair was tugged with extreme force, jerking my head back and forward again, like I was a ragdoll, it felt like my hair was being torn out of my scalp... Like I was choking, I couldn't get enough air, my hands were still beside me, why were they still? Why wasn't I pushing and fighting? Why was I doing this? What am I doing? How did I get here? What is happening? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I'm in trouble.. So much trouble... What the fuck is happening to me? My mind was racing, but the world around me was still in slow motion..

I don't know how much time passed, I have no idea.. It could have been seconds or minutes, I couldn't tell you. But suddenly, I felt and heard his release... I pulled back and this time, he let me, letting go of my hair. I turned to my side and collapsed down onto my hands as I spat, gagged and vomited. I wanted it out of me, all of it. I drew in ragged breaths of air, through the spluttering, snot and tears, trying to catch my breath, dragging myself back a single gasp at a time.. I heard feet hitting the ground, a slapping sound and looked up, as I lifted my head, I tried hard to focus my eyes, I was squinting and I managed to just see a figure disappear into the back seat of a car, as it took off, tyres screeching loudly, wheels spinning, creating an all encompassing stench of burnt rubber and a thick, acrid cloud of smoke.

I don't know how long I stayed on my hands an knees, just staring into the street at the spot where the car had just left. I continued spitting, spluttering and trying to get my breathing back to normal... As waves of tingles and nausea surged through my body, I slowly started to regain some kind of feeling, that's when I realised I was shaking and suddenly felt an impossibly cold chill run deep into my core as my teeth started chattering uncontrollably.

At some point, I slowly crawled to the low brick fence in front of me and dragged myself up to sit on it heavily. I could hear the clacking of my teeth as the ringing in my ears dimmed slightly, my vision started to clear a bit and I felt a knot in my stomach, like someone had twisted my intestines up into a physical knot and was pulling at each end.. I was overcome with another wave of nausea and leant over the fence to empty my already, very empty stomach... It burned and hurt as I retched and I suddenly felt an overwhelming weakness come over me and I could hardly keep myself upright in a sitting position. I couldn't stop staring somewhat blankly into nothingness in between my shivers... In a moment of sheer clarity, I remembered I had gum in my handbag and I started digging franticly through my bag for it, when I found the packet I ripped it open and like some kind of deranged, possessed person, I took a fistful of gum and shoved it in my mouth.. I chewed and chewed and chewed until my jaw screamed and I chewed some more.. After I rid myself of the gum, I sat there shivering and staring, not really seeing anything, my mind racing while each thought slipped away into nothingness.

I don't remember exactly what I told my friends or whether I texted them or called them but I remember them arriving, coming to me in the street and wrapping one of those silver foil blankets around my shoulders... I remember them smiling and joking around and trying to cheer me up. I don't remember exactly who was there, except for one good friend Kara, she was driving. I remember the warmth and the relief at seeing her and whoever else was there with her.. But also the mortified feeling, how embarrassed I was, how disgusting and dirty I felt. I don't remember what I told them... I'm sure it wasn't the whole truth, because I'm pretty sure this is the first time in my life I've let these words and feelings out in any kind of complete form.. What I remember as the truth of that night, my truth.

Even now I can feel my insides churning and a flush spreading across my face to the tips of my ears, I didn't notice until I got to this point in writing that there are tears running down my face and my hands have a slight shake to them.. That intense feeling of disgust in myself, the dirtiness, the need to cut my fingernails and scrub my hands and body and face until I cannot scrub any more.. to gargle with all the antiseptic and rid myself of the feeling of it... All of it. The disjointed memories that flash at the most inopportune times, the dreams where you wake up and you don't know if it's real or not, the smells, the stench, the feeling of being trapped, the paralysing fear.. The absolutely overwhelming disgust I have for myself and the sheer and cutting embarrassment that I let myself get into a situation like that. That I was stupid enough to think he liked me? That I walked into a dark driveway at night with a man I didn't know? How could I have been so stupid to think that anyone could really want me? Did it really happen or did I make this up in my head? If I made it up, why is it so real? Why can I feel it all but not at the same time... Why is it like looking through another person's eyes? Like watching it all through a husk, a shell...

Looking back, I have a feeling that I should have picked up on a vibe at the time... I was drunk, but not completely senseless.. How did I not see this? And how did he time the car just right? Were they watching and I just didn't see them? Not that I could see anything... I always considered myself to be reasonably intelligent. Someone who wouldn't put herself in an unsafe situation and to this day I question myself on why I didn't fight harder or scream or say no or do something, anything.. Why didn't I fight? I could have done something, anything and it would have been better than just... Letting it happen... I let this happen... How... How did I let this happen...

And then I have other thoughts like... What would have happened if I had gotten in the car with them.... Maybe I'm lucky I didn't. Maybe I should thank my lucky stars.

I wondered how it might feel to put this in writing.. This dreamlike reality that I've questioned so many times, I know it happened but I think maybe I want it to be a dream.. Theres so much haze..

I suppose writing it all out is something akin to a purge of sorts... I've taken it all and dragged it out of myself to put into words that don't have to live inside me anymore...

I feel torn between some form of relief in it being out of me... But also, a strong re-enforcement of all the feelings that come along with these memories.

It feels more like a dream, I have that vague feeling of numbness washing over me again... Even now, all these years later.

It's funny, people have bad experiences every day. I know this has lingered with me, I know it reflects through my eyes and I have a fear I never used to have. I've tried to shake it away. And it works sometimes but it always manages to seep back up like a goo through the cracks in my mind.

I've been scared of men for a long time now, I don't think I've admitted it but some men terrify me. I've thought for a while that there's something wrong with me. I never really attributed it to this experience... There have been other experiences but now that I read the words I've written, I think I can see why I have fear... Maybe.

Something else I find really strange is that I remember everything that happened beforehand, well, I think I do.. And I had the ability to write it down in a positive light, so vividly, I can picture myself smiling and relaxed and having fun. And I almost can't link the before and after experiences together as the same person, as me, as him.. Even though it was me there.. before, during and after. It feels like a story written by someone else. I wonder if that's normal? I've never looked up situations like this before or read stories about this type of thing. I know there are way worse things that could have happened and I'm extremely lucky I wasn't badly hurt. I also can't help thinking of so many things I could have done differently and I ask myself why I was so stupid... Why I didn't just leave when the others left.

I thought if I could write this experience down that maybe I could help others, or even help myself... But I don't know now how to turn this into a lesson or share this experience in a way that could help someone else... Maybe I should just keep it to myself.

Looking back, this experience is one in a chain of events for me. A distinct timeline of significant events embedded in my memory. Probably one of the worst now that I have taken the opportunity to try and view it objectively. But I've had some terrible luck in the love department. I wonder if I have a big sign on my forehead advertising myself as fucking idiot! It feels like it sometimes.

The intelligent brain in my head tries to reassure me that it's not my fault and I didn't deserve to have that experience. But just like in those good vs evil pictures you see with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, the darkness in me tells me I'm a complete fucking idiot and I got what what I deserved for being so stupid...

Way harsh brain...

Sometimes there's this raging war inside me, a battle that is fought deep beneath the surface that I know is down there somewhere.. But I think I've pushed it that far down, it's afraid to surface. It distracts me at times and I'm scared because if I address it, I don't know if I will be able to cope.

I suppose though, this is a positive step. Maybe..