The dark side of self-help

These days, as far as I can tell, some people in the world are choosing medicine and distraction over introspection.

Well, that's not you, is it? You are willing to do the work. You're willing to see ugly things and acknowledge that you can use some areas of work - whether it's emotional, mental, physical, moral, moral or any other type.

But like many things in life, there is a dark side.

At some point - if you're not very careful - you may from personal growth across the boundaries of perfectionism: constantly evaluate yourself and your faults, blame himself did not do everything better, then use self-help instead of free lessons, but as another blow to its own system, just like before you start doing any work.

The sound of self-help shadow

"I really need to stop projecting my stuff onto other people."

"I should meditate more often."

"The compassionate thing to do is to accept what he did, not walk away."

These are the voices that save the shadow; The justification for behavior is no longer about integrity or believing in one's own clear vision, but is beginning to adhere to the dogma of today's self-help tools.

This can easily happen because - as many of us who work in personal growth have learned the hard way after a lot of resistance - when you're deeply stuck in a dysfunctional pattern, you often don't know what your clear thoughts are.

Sometimes, when things really get wayward, we do need to look outside for help. (Case in point: the alcoholic who decided to switch to a program rather than try to bootstrapped his way into sobriety because he knew he would find too many reasons to drink otherwise).

But what I sometimes see in self-help enthusiasts is that every little flaw is an "effort."

I remember being at a seminar where people were discussing being trapped in their lives, and my first thought was relief, "I know that place, and I'm glad I'm not trapped there anymore."

Then I worried that I was being arrogant. I showed up at the next seminar and I was obsessed with the idea that my reaction showed that I was arrogant, lacking empathy, selfish, only thinking about myself, not spending enough time with them, and... (Take a deep breath)

... Then the workshop instructor said, "Kate, what's wrong with you being glad you're not stuck?"

Then he reminded me how much work I had done - worked hard - and was no longer trapped in that space.

Pick up points. If the purpose of doing this work in the first place is to make progress in my personal journey, to receive its gifts, to be supported and nourished in exploring this human experience and living a fulfilling life in the process, why in the world do I beat myself up for no longer being trapped by problems?

I do this because I've gotten into the habit of always analyzing, always looking for so-called "flaws" to make sure I don't fall into resistance again. Personal growth has become another yardstick.

To explore the voice

1.) "I really need to stop projecting my stuff onto other people."

Yes, projecting your things onto others may not be a good thing. But... Where is the human space? Be gentle with yourself? You can notice when you do this instead of making it a... "Things"?

2.) "I should meditate more often."

Is it true? "You should? I would read a page from Byron Katie: "Do you absolutely know that's true?"

Do you really know that an afternoon of surfing the Internet, reading a good book, working, connecting with friends, or even spending time on Facebook isn't the infallible thing for you? Is it healthy for you that you "should" be doing this yourself?

3.) "The compassionate thing to do is to accept his behavior, not walk away."

Oh, this is a rich man. We begin to confuse compassion and acceptance with masochism.

Sometimes we choose to sign a soul contract with someone who grinds over our problems. And assuming there's a real (real!) Healthy boundaries, and a lot of lessons learned, and the process of working with this frustration will really help us learn what we need to learn in this incarnation, then great!

But other times? Other times, people act like jerks. They did so for reasons we will never understand. Sometimes all spiritual evolution has to do is walk away.

How to access your inner wisdom

For this, we turn to somatology - the practice of using our bodies as tools, as a channel through which we gain access to information that logic cannot.

We do this because the wisdom that exists in the neck does not give us clarity. It is the excess of logic that tells us that we need -- even can -- be perfect.

So try it: Ask yourself the question, "Where am I stuck?"

Then, scan your body to see where it feels tight or contracted. Take some time to feel comfortable in that space. Sit with it. The way you "feel". Begin to trust your body's physical responses and discern "the truth of where you really need to go.

Yes, at first it may feel silly, or like nothing is happening, or irritating enough to make you want to crawl out of your skin. It takes practice, but a really crazy thing happens when you've been doing it for a while: you become intuitively aware of your "answer" to what's going on in the field.

Something, some message, some clarity, some connection, seems to come out of the body, and it comes about for a reason.

This is one of those practices that goes from micro to macro.

On a micro level, you spend a little time each day, over a period of time, quietly scanning your body, paying attention to sensations, perceptions, and observations. You do it like a meditation exercise.

Then, on a macro level, the next time you're standing in front of your boss and she's condescending, something angry and seething rises inside you, and another part of you is "looking at the observer."

Your body is actually giving you a lot of visual information.

Perhaps this information will give you a feeling of sympathy. Perhaps it brings a curious detachment. Perhaps this will make you notice that your angry reaction really has nothing to do with her, and that you are, in fact, still angry at the condescending grandma who has been at you since you were a child.

When we take the time to practice connecting with our bodies on a regular basis, we can better parse shadows at work, prompting and pushing us to be better, and using personal growth as another criterion of success or failure.

This is where real personal growth takes place. It is not, and never has been, about achieving "perfection".

So when you feel yourself trapped in thoughts or behaviors that need to be "fixed," stop. Thinking. Relax. Release.

Let the body have a say -- it can provide useful information to access your next action.

You don't have to be good

Recognizing that you are human and have areas of your life that you want to improve is an honorable and worthwhile endeavor. Try to notice when you might be trying to walk on your knees, cross the desert, repent.

"Fixing" all the broken pieces will never get you where you want to go.

You're as good as it gets.

Thank you for your willingness to do this work.

Now get out, but gently.