Love Yourself: The 90/10 Rule

I was going through a bad patch not long ago. My self-esteem was at rock bottom and nothing I was doing seemed to be working. My relationships were in shambles, my work was faltering. I felt unhappy and unsure of myself.

I often wonder if the midlife crisis has hit me. In retrospect, I think so. It's a good thing, too, because I need to change my ways a little bit.

Luckily, my friends were there for me. One day over coffee, a friend of mine gave me a lesson, the way good friends do when they're tired of seeing you in pain.

She said, "You have to love yourself before someone else can love you." Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before, I think.

You've probably heard people say that, too.

It did make me think. What does it really mean to love yourself?

I remember a wise man telling me that love is a verb. In other words, love is not a noun, a "thing," a state that just happened to you. Love is the result of the things you make love to and the way you act.

We all know that when a partner says "I love you," the relationship doesn't last, but their actions contradict what they say.

Actions speak louder than words.

So I knew I had to look at my relationship with myself:

Are the choices I make every day based on loving myself?

Do I deal with my emotions the same way I deal with the people I love?

Do I think about myself in a way that reflects loving myself?

I decided I could do better in all of these areas. The obvious place to start is to change the self-talk in my head. So I tried, but I needed more...

I let the question simmer in my subconscious for a while (which is a polite way of saying I don't have the answer).

A few weeks later, half asleep in the middle of the night, a good book on my bookshelf seemed to jump out as I wandered down the hallway while half asleep.

That's Steven Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" -- a book my husband and I often refer to while raising our three children, who are now in various stages of leaving the nest. I put it back on the shelf and went back to bed.

But at three in the morning, I woke up suddenly, recalled a chapter in the book, and realized it was the key to loving myself.

This is Steven Covey's 90/10 rule.

Steven says you can't control 10 percent of your life. Traffic, grumpy bosses, spilled milk -- these things happen.

90% of your life is under your control -- it's how you react to the 10% you can't control. You can influence your attitudes, actions, thoughts and words.

It was suddenly apparent to me that I had spent 90 percent of my life out of work because I wasn't responding to the other 10 percent in a way that was consistent with loving myself.

I realized that I had gotten into the habit of reacting almost immediately to what was going on around me, without trying to control my reaction in any way. Because of this, my reactions tend to be negative and destructive, not consistent with loving myself.

The book suggests widening the gap between the event and your response. In this space, ask yourself:

How can I respond in a way that adds value to my life and the people around me?

How can I respond in a way that brings me closer to the big picture?

How can I react in a constructive way rather than a destructive way?

This is something I have to change. It widens the gap between the event and my reaction, which will allow me to choose actions that reflect love for myself, rather than knee-jerk reactions of anger, frustration, or other negative emotions.

So I promised to change my spontaneous response to a more thoughtful one.

Before reacting to anything, I stop and ask myself a question: If I truly loved and respected myself, how would I react now?

I didn't always get it right, but I persevered.

And, as time went on, I started to feel better about myself. I realized that I felt more in control and that I was creating a life that worked better for me. People around me began to react to me in more favorable ways. Even the universe seems to be bringing me happier experiences!

Obviously, I would be happier if I had 100% control over everything that happened in my life... But at least now I have better control over how I react to the 10 percent I can't control. In the process, I have added immeasurable value to myself and my loved ones.

What about you? How do you deal with the 10 percent of speed bumps in your life that you can't control? What can you do to get rid of the fear?