The Controversy of Love

When it comes to love, humans are only interested in either the hunt for love or the idea of being in a relationship. One of the major things about love is that it is over-praised and gets mistaken with lust. This can be proven through the psychology of love, examples of the complications of love, ambivalence, and the controversy between real and fake love.

When someone recognizes that they are attracted to another, they get that all too familiar feeling of butterflies in their stomach. Shea Strauss from Huffington Post says:“Lust is more about going through the motions of what you think romance and passion should be, and love is more about knowing and accepting your partner and yourself.” This is where the difference between the hunt for love versus the act of wanting the relationship can be recognized. The hunt for love is more lust because the idea of romance and love is what is being driven. When on the other hand, being in the relationship is where real love comes into play; when you accept that other person over lust and desire.

However, the psychological approach of love is a very different concept. When someone gets the “butterflies” or the exciting feeling of admiring someone else, chemicals in the brain such as oxytocin and dopamine react with amphetamine to give us that exciting feeling. In a study done by Dr. Robert Fehr in 1988, it was discovered that, to most people, love is consisted of caring, happiness, and the desire to be with their significant other. However, they also found that only 7 percent of patients considered love to be unconditional. What does this mean? It could mean that, in general, we only seek the outside appearance of love over the actual act of being in love. The brain supports the idea of being in love; so when a couple spends more time together, they fall into a love euphoria, causing that unconditional feeling over time.

The desire for the hunt of love can be seen through Duke Orsino’s character in Shakespeare’s play, Twelfth Night (1.1. 20-22). “That instant was I turned into a hart, and my desires, like fell and cruel hounds, E’er since pursue me.” Here Orsino is talking to Curio about how love is like hunting a deer; that it is only something that we should pursue for the fun in hunting the deer. This can be compared to Pip’s desire to marry Estella in “Great Expectations” because Pip is in love with the idea of marrying her; not the actual act of marrying Estella. However, what about the people who are seeking for the relationship more than the hunt?

In an article done by Dr. Darlene Lancer, she talks about how every single relationship starts with lust; that they are always full of initial attraction where the couple hopes for romance. However, the author continues to talk about how that initial lust melts into an actual sense of love. There is always some sort of an idealization of a relationship when one begins to form. However, as the couple grows closer they begin to no longer fantasize about what they want in that relationship, and accept the other person for who they are. Love and codependency are available, but hard to determine because the two individuals often will be idealizing and self-sacrificing for the other.

One of the main reasons why the hunt of love is more common, is because most individuals have not experienced ambivalence. This is the concept in which an individual is able to see both charges of emotion at the same time, so that they are able to see both sides of a situation without choosing one over the other. This is important because it is the moment in which a couple is able to love the whole of their significant other; both the positive and the negative. That love euphoria lasts longer and there is more room and time to enjoy what is there. Without this ambivalence, love cannot survive. It burns out and dies.

Our brains are created to fall in love. There is this internal need from when we are created to create a bond with someone and procreate. The dopamine released during this process causes the brain to experience a natural high, and then oxytocin gets released when deeper feelings are developed. However, that high eventually wears off and we revert to our original personalities. This is where relationships can easily become damaged and can fall apart. This is also where personal issues such as addiction or mental illness really begin to show and relationships begin to be put to the test. True maturity and selfless love come out and relationships turn from that dopamine-fueled lust into true love that includes that oxytocin. These things are real concerns that people need to keep in mind when they decide to begin a relationship because, if they do not, then as soon as that dopamine fades, all reality will shatter.

Love is simply defined as a feeling of reflecting and significant caring. With that being said, there are two ways that it is viewed; through either enjoying the hunt of love and the title of being in love, or having real love along with a relationship. This has not only been studied psychologically, but also through seeing the complications of love in ordinary life. There are so many ways that this idea can be taken, but which one can be the most accurate? These things are altogether controversial and can only be accepted through the viewer’s eyes.