The Birds

Her heart pounded as her fingers touched the metal. The heat rose in her. Breath quickening she grasped the cold handle in, out, open. She entered his apartment as she'd done dozens of times, but today felt different. It was rainy, she felt clouds inside her. The world seemed hazy. She could taste metal, apprehension was palpable. She had an odd feeling that was unshakable.

At the supermarket, earlier that day, she was asked if she wanted a bag. She stuttered at the question caught in a moment of bleak indecision. Did she want a bag? She only had four items. Surely, she didn't need a bag. Why couldn't she decide? She left the store in a frazzle. Something was off. She was out of it. All around her she perceived dangers and threats. The rain clouds gathered like bearers of bad news screaming at her to wake up.

When she returned to her apartment, her roommate remarked that she seemed “absent”. Was it obvious? She had to redo her eyeliner three times because her hands shook. She was almost late because she constantly found herself staring off at nothing in particular with a feeling of intense dread to the point of nausea. When she finally left for his house, the storm was nearly upon her. It drizzled outside and the clouds were a deep grey. She noticed a peculiar lack of birds and this troubled her. Although she was more troubled by the notion of being troubled by this observation. For her, it was strange to worry about the birds because she had no concept of their patterns or behaviors. In fact she couldn't remember if they were normally out in the rain.

Where would they have gone? She thought. Why shouldn't they be out? What is wrong with me?

On the drive over she was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of the man next to her. He was staring forward and biting his lip. Periodically he would run his fingers through his hair leaning his head all the way back, chin to God, he would mumble something, release and swing his head into his hands. She watched this ritual three times before the light changed. She felt a strange sense of loss and was deeply saddened by the thought of never knowing him, never having the chance to ask him, Why?

When she finally arrived at his apartment she had watery eyes and smeared liner. She took a long deep breath and pushed it all away. What did she have to be scared of? She loved him and he loved her. They were together. She had no reason to fear their encounter, but the fact that it did troubled her more. She could not shake the unshakable concept of sudden and certain impending doom. Something dark lurked behind every corner, every door.

The door stuck unnaturally and she burst in with such a force that sent her halfway to his kitchen. She up-righted herself and turned to face Him, half out of breath.

“Hey,” he mumbled, cocking his head in question.

“Hi,” She smoothed her hair back.

He fidgeted with his sleeves and motioned towards the couch, “Can we talk about something?”

Her heart hit the ground, “yea, sure.” His words came like waves, they washed over here and she only half grasped their meaning. All she could think was wrong, wrong, wrong. Where are all the fucking birds.

He stared into the distance and took her hand, “You know that I love you so much, you’re literally the most beautiful person I have ever met inside and out. You don’t need me.”

Her blood boiled. A rage deep within her began to grow.

“I just can’t give you what you deserve. The timing is all wrong. I am sorry.”

Her lungs felt like they were filling with sand.

“I think we’d be better off friends. I just- I need you in my life, but I don’t really have time-”

She stood and faced him, “If you love me so much, if I am so perfect, then why the fuck would you not want to be with me? If you really loved me you would make time. You don’t care about me at all. You don’t even know who I am. I’ve never been myself around you and you never noticed. Your right, I don’t need you. This is better.”

“Elza, that’s not what I meant, let me try to explain.”

Her fists clenched and unclenched as she tried to let it go, “I am so tired,” she was calm now, “of people telling me what I need, of guys like you making decisions of what is good for me. I am an adult. I can decide what I do and do not deserve, and what I deserve is to make my own assessment of what I want and what I need.”

He closed his eyes and began to organize the magazines on the table. A silence fell over them. She focused on her breathing and tried not to cry, squeezing her nails so deep into her palms that blood materialized in small crescent shaped lines.

“Daniel,”

He continued to clean.

“Daniel-“

He refused to look at her.

“Would you stop for one damn second,” She moved in front of him “Look at me!”

He met her eyes briefly then turned away, “I can see your heartbroken and I’m sorry, but you’re not right for me.”

Sadness left her in one fell swoop. She was rage and she was indifference all at once. She scoffed a sort of sad manic laugh, “My heart could never break for you.” She saw it then, his hurt, his pain and she liked it. He hurt her and she stabbed him, twisted the knife, and left him to bleed. “You are literally nothing to me and I am not sad that we are over. I am sad, that I didn’t do it first, and that I wasted any fraction of my life with you. You sad pathetic man.”

This day was off. She knew it from the start. She left his apartment swelling with power. She couldn’t see straight. She heaved uncontrollably with emotions uncommon to her. The storm was in full progression now. The lights of the dark roads blurring and zooming past. Her wipers washed the windows and she wiped tears.

Her neighbors were washing their car. Who the hell washes their car in the rain. They were wearing surgical masks and vacuuming. The rain bouncing off their empty garage. This infuriated her for reasons she could not understand and she felt the need to scream until all the air left her lungs, so she did.

The lock stuck and she dissolved to tears as she beat her front door. She screamed and shook the handle violently, until she was defeated enough to have the clarity necessary to open it.

The water ran upstairs. Her roommate was in the shower. Elza thrashed around the kitchen slamming and huffing. She got two mugs, and poured three shots of rum in each then followed with dark soda and spherical cubes of ice.

She climbed directly into bed and stared at the wall sipping her concoction, waiting patiently for it to take a hold and draw her to sleep. Olivia entered the room towel drying her hair, “Didn’t hear you come in. Is Garret home yet?”

Elza shrugged with her straw in her mouth and moved her chin in the direction of the mug, “Drink?”

“Oh thanks,” she sipped, “mmh, it’s strong.”

Elza lay back looking at the ceiling, “do you think the world is changing?”

“In what way?”

“Everything is off,” She quickly sat up, “Did you notice an absence of birds today, I didn’t see a single bird. Do they normally leave when it rains?”

Olivia was now dressed, she leaned against the wall, “Dude, I have no idea what you are talking about. Are you okay?”

Her eyes were closed tight as she lay back down, focusing on her breathing, “Dan, and I broke up. Well he broke up with me, but I’m fine,” From the corner of eye she could see Olivia compassionate and focused.

“What? Seriously? That asshole.”

“It’s fine, really, I’m okay. I thought we were happy, but maybe not.” She downed the rest of her drink and winced. All the alcohol had concentrated to the bottom. “It’s just like, we were dating and now we’re not and I’ll get over it.”

Olivia’s eyebrows were furrowed, “Are you sure you’re okay? You guys were together a long time.”

“I know.” Elza pulled the blanket over her eyes, “I’m fine.”

She was lying. She closed her eyes and saw him. She was suddenly aware that she could no longer kiss his lips. She couldn’t remember the last time and this scared her, because you never know the last time you do something is the last time, until it’s gone. She could no longer cuddle up in his arms. When she saw him, she couldn’t wrap around him like a blanket. He would no longer stare into her eyes or think only of her. There would be no one to text her good morning and night. She thought of all she was losing and her anger melted away. She was sad. She felt small. Was he hurting too? Maybe they were happy after all. What else had she been wrong about? Maybe all this time she had been misreading everything. Did anyone truly like her? Were her friends only tolerating her? Who else had lukewarm feelings for her that she perceived as love?

The warmth spread from her heart to her toes and her brain felt hazy. This haze spread through every memory and every crevice until everything felt right. Darkness overtook her. It silenced her and she gladly let it as she slipped away into deep darkness.

In the darkness there was nothing and then there was Daniel. He cried out to her. Blood curdling shrieks of terror. He screamed her name and shouted for forgiveness. She woke in a cold sweat. Her mouth was like a dessert and she squinted her eyes. The light in the room was off.

A yellow green haze split through the blinds and radiated her skin. She winced. There was a strange pain that was slowly growing. She felt it all through her. It started in her bones and traveled outward. It was dull and soft, but it grew stronger and sharper. Her nails were red, irritated. There were bits of dried blood on the edges of her mouth. In a terror she leapt up and opened the blinds.

There was nothing and there was green. A green haze, a green light. There was green then black. There was a black darkness and from the darkness, light. In these moments, she thought only of Daniel, but Daniel didn’t matter, Daniel was dead. Everyone she knew was dead. She bathed in the light, the calm white light. As the white wave of light drew nearer she saw what appeared to be, for one brief and fleeting instant a great owl, powerful and bold soaring above that awesome wave of death. As the light overtook her, her last words were not the name of the boy who broke her heart, but rather one last and final expression of hope thrust from her lips, an awe struck whisper, "the birds" as the darkness crushed down, "the birds are back." It enveloped her. It welcomed her. It took her away.