The best thing in my life

You know that feeling when you are completely lost and don’t know where to go next, what to do? That used to happen to me a lot when I was young. I had no experience in the big, bad world. I was innocent and naïve, came from a very small town, from a family who did’t allow me to experience anything and kept me on a very short leash, to a big metropolis to university when I was 19. All I wanted was to make it in life, to finish university and fulfill my big dream of singing, but above all, I wanted love, the true kind that makes you warm inside and makes you dream of wonderful things and gives you hope. Makes you believe you can do anything and get through the worst as long as there’s 2 of you, together, as one. He wasn’t that, my boyfriend. I thought he was for a while, as he was my knight in shiny armour that saved me when I needed most and had no one, his eyes sparked when he saw me and was trembling when he touched me. He seemed capable of anything for me, for us. I loved him even though he was not my kind of man, physically. Everyone laughed: the beauty and the…undernourished they used to say. I didn’t care.. he had a good heart and was good to me. Helped me in my darkest hour and took care of me. But I don’t think he loved me either. Not really. I think he was attracted to my glow, I was the unreachable for him and when I actually gave him the time of day he was love struck. But not the kind that lasts as our romance soon faded. And I wanted out, as I was looking for something more. The ultimate love. And he wasn’t it. I wasn’t it for him either. So we parted ways for a short while. But when life has a way….

I felt bad, really bad, ill, with pain in my lower abdomen. I went to the doctor and told me that my poly-cystic ovary syndrome was worsening. That that’s where the bleeding was from and most likely I will never be able to conceive. I was already under treatment since I was 19. As a precaution he ordered blood tests. Couldn’t give me a gynaecological exam as I was badly bleeding. Three days later I was back in his office:

-Congratulations! You are pregnant about 3-4 weeks. It will be a hard pregnancy, with a lot of risks but this might be your only chance of ever having kids. I know you are young, only 21 and you’re in university in your second year but life does not give us notice. Are you in a relationship? Do you know the father?

I was stunned. Shocked. I was a child. With a child. This is wrong, can’t be. I was taking birth control as part of my treatment. I am not ready for this. I do not want this. My dad will kill me. My mum will flip. My family will talk. All my friends will laugh. I will lose my school. I was just offered a contract to sing to fulfill my life dream. I can’t lose singing. I have nothing. And then I realised. I have no boyfriend.. anymore. All this in 2 seconds. Panic attack. I can’t breathe. I hyperventilate. All in my head.

-Are you ok? Say something don’t just look like a comet fell out of the sky.

-..yes, I’m OK, I think. I stood up and left without a word. My doctor must have thought I was crazy and rude.

I don’t know how I ended up at his door and blurred out “I’m pregnant”. I saw his face open and smile and shout in joy and happiness. I was still under shock and had no emotions. Just fear. Fear of the unknown, of losing my dreams, school, family, friends, ALL. “I don’t want this!” I shouted. He held my hand and said “Sure you do. I’s your own blood, you will love this child and be a great mum”. His voice in my head was like underwater, muffed, blurred. How the fuck did he know all this in 2 minutes????

Back to the doctor’s office with him and the doctor in my ear, but I was still quiet and absent:

-Please consider keeping this child.. I know it’s a lot to take in, but with my help, this could be life changing and your only chance at motherhood. I didn’t wanted to scare you 3 days ago when you came, but I’m absolute sure you will not be able to conceive again. It’s a miracle you’re even pregnant.

-Of course we’re keeping it! He blurts out quick

-I’m not ready!!! I shouted from the top of my lungs. What will we do, none of us works, no place to stay, we’re both still in school, our parents will kill us!!

-I’ll get a job, I can work as a taxi driver, we can stay with my parents, their flat is big enough, we’ll tell your parents together, it will be ok. Holds my hand. We don’t even have to get married if you don’t want to. I didn’t want to. But I believed him.

And indeed it was a hard pregnancy. Doctor advised us not to get to excited and not to tell people until after 4 months to see if the pregnancy was viable. Lots of treatments, lots of really sick days, lots of fights between us, lots of sacrifices. Lost my singing contract, was going to school on and off, had to get a job in a sports bet agency to pay rent for my room, he quit school to work as a taxi driver and wasn’t doing very well. I was getting more excited and more worried by the day about my child. Didn’t know if was a boy or girl yet, but my gut filling told me it was a boy from day one. Or maybe that’s what I wanted. And indeed the doctor confirmed it was a boy. Problem was I was 4 and a half months pregnant and my precious miracle boy was not moving inside me. My belly was barely visible, my sickness continued. I saw my mum and dad seldom, they did not suspect. He promised he will tell his mum but never did. His mum was upset with me and didn’t talk to me anymore because he left school and she thought I made him. The doctor decided to perform an amniocentesis to determine the state of my child. The results would take 2-3 weeks. 2-3 weeks of torture. I would read, sing, talk to my unborn child every day, but no kicks. Then one morning I woke up and had a massive craving for fries with cheese and pickled gherkins. Something I would not normally eat as I still had horrible sickness. After eating this like I hadn’t eaten in 1 year, I didn’t even chew properly felt really sleepy. Laid on the bed on my back and nearly fell asleep. And all of a sudden I was awaken! A massive kick in my spleen. And another, and another. It was like I had a little football player in my stomach ready to win the world cup. It was painful but I was crying with joy. I don’t think I felt a joy greater than this ever. I felt like a mother for the first time. The doctor was relieved to hear the news. Later that week the results of my amniocentesis confirmed I had a very healthy, well developed boy. I was over the moon. And 5 months pregnant. And no one knew.

We decided to tell my parents. He was insanely scared and nervous about my dad. And he was right. The moment I told him he showed the monster inside him. Slapped me and called me a whore. Said he trusted me to go to school and all I did was enjoy myself with men(I’m putting this nicely). I am a looser and a failure. He is ashamed to call me his daughter, what will the neighbors say, what will our family say. I shamed him. I tried to explain the whole story, how this was a miracle and my only chance to have a child. He called me a liar. Asked my boyfriend to marry me (not in a very nice way) in the shortest time possible and to arrange a meeting with his parents to agree how we do the wedding. You have to understand, my country was a communist country for a long time, my parents grew up in communism and did things in a certain way. I am not defending their actions but they literally don’t know any different. When we told his parents they were shocked and being Pentecostals and extremely religious there was no question about whether we would marry or not. In 3 short weeks we were married and living with his parents. Didn’t even know how it all happen, I don’t remember much from my big fat wedding. Except eating. I cut my long hair in protest a few days before the wedding. Hated everything. He did too, but went along as he lacked courage and conviction to stand up to his parents and mine. Those 3 weeks before the wedding were hard.. me living with my parents, fights, constant reminders of what a failure I am, a disappointment. I wasn’t told I am glowing, I am beautiful, pregnancy suits me, I’ll be a great mother.. none of that. People didn’t pet my belly and congratulate me… they all felt bad for my father and his shame. And I… with no support at all (my husband was “working” and had no time to talk to me over the phone only a few minutes a day and couldn’t face my dad again by visiting me, he was too coward) … I was crying in silence all the time, kept trying to find quiet places to rub my belly and sing to my amazing miracle. Doctor said “You need to stop crying, you’ll have a cry baby”. I was alone … again. But soon I had the most amazing gift life ever gave me: my best friend, my soul mate for life, my miracle, my joy, my all: my son, Darius Cristian. Had a hard labour, he was born with trauma, but the second I heard his cry and they put him on my chest I knew I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life and swore to protect him and love him unconditionally.

And hard times came… I would see him grow and make memories by dancing with my boy in the mirror. He was so precious to me that the thought that at one point I didn’t want to be a mother to him made me sick!! I am happy I made this choice and even if my husband didn’t know how to be a husband, friend or father in the first few years, I owe him a lot by making me make the decision to keep this baby. And even if we divorced after a few horrible and scarring years for me, he has a great relationship with my son and I respect that. People always said that when I talk about Darius my face lights up and I say the most wonderful things. That I am a great mother and he is lucky to have me. In reality it’s not true, I made horrible choices as a mother and don’t deserve him. And he makes me light up, he is an amazing child an human being, he saved me a million times with his smiles and I am the lucky one for choosing me as his mother.