The Awkward Romantic's Diary

Thursday, November 5th, 2020.

That day is important, too important.

Damn it.

If I had to be honest with myself, I kinda wish it wasn't so important.

Nevertheless, it has become quite defining in its implications.

The 5th of November, year 202o, is the day that I could no longer, in good faith, lie to myself about being fully straight.

It is also the day that the friendship I've had with my best friend of 1 year, 5 months and 7 days, took a most dramatic turn.

We have a wild history. It's a history which dates back much farther than all the numbers I hurled at you in the last few sentences. As a matter of actually*, we go back nearly three years to a time when I was dating my first love.

[*This was born of an inside joke between me and my closest sister. At some point whilst talking to her, I combined the phrases "actually" and "as a matter of fact" for the sake of hyperbole; the purpose being to emphasize unequivocally how factually based the subsequent statement was going to be by comparison to that which was stated prior. You're welcome]

Remember those lyrics from Taylor Swift's song "Love Story"?

You know, the ones that say "...and I was crying on the staircase begging you 'Please don't go'..."?

Yep, you get the picture.

It was around month 6 of us dating, so early-March 2018.

We were taking classes together at a local community college and she thought it would be a brilliant idea to "break up" with me right before I went into my public speaking class...

...on the day I was giving a speech.

What a jerk.

Quite ironically, I was finding myself reenacting my favorite childhood Taylor Swift song in ways I never envisioned at 8 years old; vehemently crying and begging my first and only lover in the hallways, then the staircase, and then again right outside of my classroom to "please don't go" as she escorted me to my class.

Thankfully, in spite of being a redhead, she had a soul and it very quickly began feeling dejected at the sight of her pathetic boyfriend who had never broken down in tears in front of her before.

Pfft, and she thought it was going to be easy to get rid of me.

She hugged me, cradled my head in her arms, and kept repeating those melodious words, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Shhh it's okay, I'm not breaking up with you. We can still be together. Don't cry..."

Success.

The reason this happened to begin with was because I didn't have my shit together: she had "expectations" of me getting a job, getting a car, and doing really well in all my college classes, otherwise she was moving on. Cute.

Given the textual evidence in the above paragraph, would it fair to conclude that I...

1. Did not have a job,
2. Did not have a car,
3. Was not doing really well in my college classes,
4. None of the above'd, or
5. All of the above'd

Well, it really depends on who you ask. (+420 Brownie Points if you caught what is wrong with my list.)

Anticipating that I would continue to give her hell in her futile efforts to make my lazy butt a contributing member of society, she hoped to preemptively dump me so as to mitigate the potential of future disappointment.

Much to her dismay, not only did I refuse to take any part in her schemes, but I also continued to royally disappoint her in the months to come--it was a win-win.

This is the part of our tangential story where my friend shows up.

I'm still crying. She's still comforting. Earth is remaining still because it hadn't seen me cry before and it was just as befuddled as she was.

After I calmed down, she gave me a pep-talk and sent me off to class where I delivered a halfway-convincing sob story speech.

During the time-block of my class, my eventual friend approached my then flabbergasted girlfriend because he had noticed me crying earlier. He asked if everything was okay and they proceeded to talk further on the subject.

Later on, after class had finished, she told me that some gay dude had seen me crying and came to ask her if everything was okay--said he was pretty cool.

Being borderline homophobic at the time, I thought that was really sus'.

Being aware of how judgmental those words sounded, I didn't voice that sentiment.

Instead, I just kinda...

Yep, I'll have to admit it was pretty close. After all, I couldn't have people thinking I was a homophobe, now could I?

Time went on.

A few weeks later, her and I are happily partaking in another one of our afternoon Walmart escapades.

It just so happened that, on this particular day, he was there too.

He saw us first, lit up with a smile and exclaimed "Hey! You're back together!" We smiled and waved back at him. She ran over to talk to him for a few minutes as I stood and watched, holding the groceries.

Once more, everything seemed right in the world.

Fast forward 1 year later.

I was devastated.

No amount of theatrics, crying, desperation, or amateur sex could convince her otherwise--it was truly finished for me.

Sunday, December 16th of the year 2018, was the day we officially broke up. (Exactly 2 years after the day she gave me the most awkward hug either of us had ever experienced prior...but that's another story for another post.)

For months I was lonely, depressed, self-pitiful, and sleep-deprived: living in a world of abject denial and cacophonous antipathies towards this reality into which I had been plunged against my unavailing will.

In light of this misfortune, however, I saw a door of opportunity open itself magnificently before my sullen eyes...

A way out of this awful darkness.

Aye, you guessed it. I took up creative writing and proceeded to transform my pain into poetry, anger into art, sadness into sophistry, and the memories into mitochondria --> #PiPAiASiSMiM2k19

Words flowed out of me like the yolk in eggs cooked sunny-side-up when you stab them with a dinner fork; brighter than the sun, but kinda fowl and gooey with an ear-grating clang from the initial impact.

My writing wasn't the greatest, but it gave me the peace of mind and sense of community I needed at the time.

By March 2019, I had gotten involved at a creative writers' club in my college after seeing ads posted up on the bulletin boards throughout the school.

Unbeknownst to me, not all of the members of this club were complete strangers.

He took immediate notice of my presence that first day, and found himself very attracted to me. But I had no idea who he was.

Every meeting, we were given writing prompts and I still remember the one they gave us that day, "What is one quality about yourself you wish you could change?"

Given this, I decided to write a poem.

Before the end of the meeting that day, he asked me for my email and gave me his on a brown napkin, which he had folded into the shape of a triangle.

He touched base with me later on that day and told me that the poem really provoked a great deal of thought in him. Specifically the part that reads "...like a star trying to become a black hole to blend in with the darkness." He could've swore I wrote that line about him.

He eventually got my number, and for a long time we volleyed poetry over text and email.

The first day we hung out beyond the walls of the college was when we coincidentally crossed paths with each other on Wednesday, May 29th, 2019, at my favorite coffee shop.

After getting coffee, he invited me to ride around and spend the day with him and his friends.

It would be 4 days later, on June 2nd, that I would spend an entire night with him during a party at a nearby park on his 21st birthday. But again, another story for another post.

Going Back to December November

So, Caleb, do tell us, what is it about "Thursday, November 5th, 2020" that's so utterly groundbreaking in it's implications that you felt the need to create an entirely new account on yet another writing platform to dish out a 1500 word post about it?

Shit, I forget already.

I guess that really sucks for you guys, now doesn't it ;)

Well, anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading!

Until my next post,

See ya <3

~ The Awkward Romantic ~

[#PiPAiASiSMiM2k19 << P.S. Please make this become a thing.]