The Accident Damaged The Car and The Naysayers My Self-Esteem

“You don’t have it in you!”

“Don’t even ever think of touching the steering wheel”

“You are a parasite for life”

“Oh! again, you need a ride.. duh!”

“Wasn’t it enough for the first time?”

These tumultuous torrents of vilification in my subconscious by the naysayers never let my confidence recover after that fateful evening in 2018.

Whenever I tried to muster my courage, the naysayers pulled me down. Not because they cared for me, because it was the only thing I couldn’t do and they could. The one major source of their ego boost up, pulling me down.

If you had known me personally, I am a confident, badass, go-getter, afraid of nothing kind of person. But this accident instilled an unbeatable fear of driving in me.

Even sitting beside the driver gives me chills down the spine. Body healed but the scars on the subconscious did not blur, and the naysayers around me kept them fresh.

August 2018

I drove into my residential complex with a dopamine rush of winning the best speaker trophy in a public speaking competition. My heart was filled with pride and I couldn’t wait to tell my daughter, my self-proclaimed mentor that her advice of adding some vocal variety in my speech worked its magic.

As I was about to park, reveling in my triumph, I saw two little children come running towards the car. Panicked, my foot accidentally pressed the accelerator instead of the brakes. In a moment the car sped, throttled, and crossed the pavement.

Nooooooooo!!!! I shrieked and froze and I could hear my heart thumping loud. My brain reacted and registered that I ran the car over the two little children!!!!!

….

….

Frozen, panicked, instead of removing my foot from the accelerator, it pushed hard against the accelerator and broke the sturdy iron railing meant to divide the pavement and the steep valley ahead.

Now the car was upside down hanging in the valley, me inside, placid, frozen, unconscious.

Only one killing thought reverberating in my mind, I ran my car over two little children.

Next, I remember being inside an EMS(Emergency Medical Services)van surrounded by medics and a few police officers.

I tried to speak and inquire about the kids but I temporarily lost speech due to trauma. I could feel warm tears in my eyes. My brain was working and I was thinking about the kids, who were they, what their parents would be going through, I will rot in jail forever now, and what will become of my daughter…

I then heard someone ask, maybe the doctor, nurse, paramedic, police officer I don’t know who, “how are you feeling.” I couldn’t respond. Only cry. My speech was not recovered yet.

Look at the irony, just a couple of hours back I won a trophy for my speaking skills and now my vocal cords refused to form a syllable.

We Are What We Believe

I have always believed myself to be a blessed person and God’s chosen child. While lying there shaken, I heard nurses talk amongst themselves thanking God that no major loss happened.

What!! These words brought my speech back and I shouted, “What about the kids?” People turned towards me imploring me to relax. I relentlessly kept asking about the kids. The nurse lovingly touched my hand and said I am in shock and trauma, but I will be fine and what kids was I talking about.

In the most divine next minutes, I learned there were no kids, there was no one on the pavement and near the valley. I must be thinking and imagining something, and lost the balance while driving.

No one was hurt and they were sure of this.

THANK GOD!! THANK GOD!! I chanted a million, a trillion, a gazillion times. My angels have touched me again. I am indeed blessed!

Till today I do not know if there were kids or not. Because in the coming few years and months I was made to believe that it was a figment of my imagination. I must have imagined kids approaching and I will do so again if I dared to drive.

I BELIEVED that, unfortunately. We are what we believe.

Repercussions

One might think that driving a car is not rocket science and I am stretching it too far. But my dear, my subconscious registered kids got killed by me! Myself being a mother, a mother who has lost a son more than a decade back.

I knew the pain of a grieving mother and I could never inflict that torturous pain on any other mother.

So, I convinced myself I will never drive and hence save myself from doing any harm to anyone.

Challenges

It has been four years, and still, I am defeated by the fear in my subconscious. There is no public transport system in the place I live. The only means of commuting is a personal vehicle.

I faced many challenges out of the fear of driving which made me depend on other people for any small errand. People helped me in the starting out of sympathy and later started finding excuses. I do not blame them honestly as they unknowingly were pushing me to bounce back and fight my own battle.

I couldn’t take my daughter to hobby classes, sports classes, swimming classes. Availing uber every time was hitting my pocket. I missed a couple of public events (before covid).

People were talking at my back that my “never say die” spirit has gone.

My daughter wasn’t looking up to me and whenever I explained to her the importance of conquering her fears to live an abundant life, she remarked, but mommy, you still are afraid of driving. I can also entitled to have my fears. These words were killing which I knew sprouted from my fears.

I had to combat my fear of driving.

I honestly tried. On the first try, I froze at the touch of the steering wheel. I could see[imagine] kids running in front of my car. I gave up.

I tried again, but now family and friends were apprehensive of lending their car. Mine was damaged.

If someone let me drive theirs, they clearly expressed their uneasiness.

Whenever I tried to muster my courage, the naysayers pulled me down. Probably it is the thing which I could not and they could. My always asking for a ride even to get grocery shop gave them power over me. I had to comply with their rules, their timings, their schedule.

I abhor giving anyone else any power over me. But it was happening. It was only me who could stop it.

In a disheartening incident, my daughter and myself were excluded from a picnic party at some faraway venue as my so-called then friends did not have spaces in their hearts (not car) to give us a ride.

Some were fulfilling their ego by pulling me down.

The Final Straw

Last summer I took my daughter to San Jose to visit my sister. In a casual talk, my sister asked my daughter, so baby girl, which car you want to drive when you grow up. She said, “Why will I drive, my husband will drive”. Her answer shocked me to the root.

Nooooooo!!!! I am not raising a confident independent girl!!!

My sister glared at me angrily and stated crystal clear that I am passing my fears to my daughter. It is high time I get back on the wheel.

Watershed Moment

This one incompetency was pulling me back and now I want to change this for the better. I am resolved to get my confidence back. I want to change better for my daughter, that she looks up to me and believes, her mommy never says die.

• I want to be better in my daughter’s eyes.

• I want to change for the better to revive my self-worth. I have no desire of proving anyone wrong, only a firm determination to decipher my worth to myself.

• I want to change for the better to give the sad episode a proper closure.

• I want to change for better so that my daughter does not miss out on sports, dancing, swimming classes in her tender growing years.

• I want to change for the better to be independent, stand tall and be strong on my own feet. I am tired of depending on anyone else to take me to the library, grocery, parlor, at their preferred time and whim.

• I want to change for the better to drive around the town and feel the wind in my air.

• I am not the same person as I was last year.

• And I will not be the same person next year.

• I want to be and will be better.

Resolutions and Plans

My action plan is focused on what I want to change in the future and not on my fear.

I have been thinking of this resolution since I received the final straw from my daughter. I maintained a journal of positive affirmations.

Daily I put in some thoughts and positive quotes to clear my subconscious of the fear of driving.

Innately I do have an internal locus of control except this fear did beat me. I reworked and focused on my internal locus of control.

I tried different meditation practices and they helped me. Meditation is helping me clear the blockages in my energy points and let the life force freely flow and energize me.

Meditation helped me understand fear, accept, witness as a mere observer, and let go of fear.

As we understand more, we fear less ~ Marie Curie

I am loud and clear of my new year resolution sending a clear message to the naysayers to keep their mouths shut.

I have enrolled myself in a driving class and paid the fees.

The teacher is the same person who taught me driving in the first place years back. Luckily he recognized me and was surprised to know that he knew of the accident and all that via few people.

Talking to him was cathartic. He boosted my spirits, encouraged me, and told me that he found me very headstrong when I first met him. This time he will surely know it to be true.

A couple of friends have promised to help me practice in empty parking lots at a time when there is not much footfall.

I have created my schedule to practice driving on my own every day first in empty parking lots, then moving onto the less busy city roads and eventually driving in the rush hour.

As I said, I am a project management professional and all my work involves planning. I have created a visual board according to which I will be ready to to cover highways and Interstates.

The universe responds if we desire something real hard.

My sister has been rock-solid support in flushing out the residual fear from my subconscious and I can’t thank her enough.

My late father used to say that firm determination is half the battle won. A journey of thousand steps begins with a first step. And I have taken that first step. I have conquered my fear, given a royal dismissal to my fear and its manifestation by the naysayers around.

I am not the same person as I was last year.

And I will not be the same person next year.

I want to be and will be better.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts ~ Winston Churchill

Thank you for reading.

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This story was originally published here.