That Gnawing Feeling

Vanessa glanced over at the little black book and sighed deeply. How could something so small be so unnerving and consuming of her security? She could feel the anxiety rising in her throat, as she tried to swallow it away while her chest rose and fell heavily. She wondered if anyone else could hear her heartbeat as it pounded loudly drowning out her co-workers in this incessant meeting. The instructions were clear: she would receive the money as long as she didn't open the little black book with pages that contained information about her fiance. Her sweet, handsome, and charming Ben who she met over a year ago and quickly became enchanted with. Sometimes, she wondered if it were all too perfect to actually be true. And, now, a few inches from her daily planner was a source of undeniable enticement that appeared inexplicably in her office doorway.

Vanessa replayed the morning's events in order to uncover any clues she might have missed regarding the black book's true owner or author. Everything seemed ordinary from the good morning text from Ben to her daily Caramel macchiato from the coffee shop down the street from their apartment. She said her normal pleasantries to her co-workers as she walked to her office located in the back right-hand corner of the one-story building. She almost stumbled over the small box as it was the only irregularity from her routine. She casually turned the box over to see if there was any indication of who or where it came from. She was puzzled about its origination because it was not her birthday nor any holiday. Her Ben hadn't mentioned anything and neither had her mom. She took her letter opener and eagerly thrust it into the top of the small plain box. She lifted the flaps of the box to expose a folded note that was neatly tied to the little black book with twine. She hurriedly untied the note from the little black book which had "Please read me first" inscribed on it. She slowly sat down in her chair as she read the handwritten note that promised to reveal all about Ben's past and any secrets that he may be harboring from her. If she decided not to open it and destroy the little black book, she would receive twenty thousand dollars. She would not be allowed to have anyone else open the book and read it or tell anyone about the little black book or the money. She would only have until midnight Saturday which was four days from today.

Vanessa slowly rose from her chair and peeked out of her office door. She looked around to see if anyone was looking her way as she felt this had to be a joke. Her co-workers had never engaged in pranks or office hijinks. They also never left boxes in the middle of doorways. Vanessa bite the bottom of her lip as she speculated about the authenticity of the box. Mail was never delivered this early and there were no markings to indicate that it was shipped. Vanessa quickly slipped over to her friend's office, Myka, who was on the other side of the building.

"Hey, gorgeous!" Myka smiled broadly upon seeing Vanessa. "How's your future husband?" Myka was the bubbly and gregarious one out of the two.

"Hey! He's good. He's in Texas until tomorrow for a conference."

"Oh. I thought you said that was next month." Myka shuffled through some of the papers on her desk before looking up.

"No, it was this month. I am surprised you didn't write it in your planner."

Myka chuckled as she answered, "You know I probably did. I have just been preoccupied." She nudged her head toward a newly minted picture on her bookshelf of her latest boyfriend. "Chris is hanging out with his friends tonight. We should get dinner together tonight then."

"Yeah, that sounds good." Vanessa leaned into where Myka was sitting and lowered herself to a stooping level. Her voice dropped to an almost whisper as she probed to see what Myka knew about the box without disclosing the contents of the box. "Did you get any packages this morning?"

"No. You know we don't receive any deliveries until at least ten. Was I supposed to?"

"No, I got a box this morning. Stacy never puts boxes there and like you said we don't have deliveries this early."

"Well, maybe, it's from yesterday."

"That could be, but, it doesn't have anything on it. No postage, no address, no return address." Myka looked quizzically at Vanessa.

"Did you open it? Maybe we should call the bomb squad!" Vanessa put her hand on Myka's shoulder and mockingly shook her head. "Ok, so you opened it. What was in it?"

"Nothing important. I'd better go. The meeting starts in fifteen and I have too many emails and not enough caffeine." Vanessa reluctantly returned to her office and resumed the masquerade of working. She scrutinized the validity of this offer. Who would be willing to give $20,000 to not open the little black book? What did the little black book actually contain? For all she knew, it could be crisp new pages that didn't reveal anything or things that weren't as titillating as imagined. Worse, it could divulge secrets that would be devastating to her relationship with Ben. She grabbed the little black book as she gathered her things to attend the company meeting.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Vanessa was warmly greeted by the hostess as she entered the restaurant. Myka stood up and waved at Vanessa to motion her over to the table. She pretended to listen to Myka over dinner as she discussed trivial incidences from the week. She was surprised Myka agreed to go to dinner with her on a Friday night especially given that her relationship with Chris was so fresh and faultless. During the last few days, she had tried to preoccupy her mind with things besides the little black book and the twenty thousand dollars. However, it didn't take long for her mind to drift back to what secrets it possessed or how she would use half the money on their upcoming wedding and the other half to travel to some exotic island for their honeymoon. She loved Ben and couldn't think of spending her life with anyone else, but, this triggered her self-doubt about being able to absolutely trust someone. She wanted to confide in Myka, her, mom, or him about the little black book and hear their opinions. While Myka was the easiest to withhold this information from because of her tendency to be overdramatic, her mom and Ben were different. She always found comfort in being able to openly speak with her mom. She had won a lottery of sorts by being born to a woman who was an anti-stereotypical understanding and non-judgmental mother. This was identical to her relationship with Ben. She had to fight the urge several times to tell him when he arrived home on Wednesday night. So why hadn't she just burned the book or threw it away before he returned home?

"What do you think?" Myka was glaring at her with annoyance painted over her face. "I guess it's not as important as I thought!" She upturned her chin so she was no longer facing Vanessa directly and pouted her scarlet-coated lips. Vanessa reached over and gently tapped Myka's fingers.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I have been so preoccupied and stressed over something stupid." Myka raised an eyebrow indicating her interest but remained with her head turned. "I have a confession." Myka repositioned herself swiftly with her eyes widely searching Vanessa's face for clues.

"Oh my god! You're pregnant?"

"What? No!"

"You eloped! You sneaky--, " Vanessa quickly interrupted Myka before she became too engrossed in her convoluted theories. Vanessa leaned forward indicating her earnestness about the situation.

"Have you ever trusted anyone outside of your parents one hundred percent?" Myka shook her head no.

"I watch too many true crime television shows."

"Okay. I should have remembered that little tidbit." She nervously looked around and weighed her options. If she told Myka, how would the author of the note find out? Maybe she could unveil a little bit of information about her predicament to Myka. She carefully chose her words. "If you had the opportunity to find out everything about someone, would you?" Myka furrowed her brow and to Vanessa's surprise took her time to deliberate on the matter. She narrowed her eyes in suspicion as this was uncharacteristic on Myka. Maybe she was the author of the note and this was a horrendous joke after all. She started to shake her head in disbelief. "You know you're incredulous! I can't believe this!" She pushed back from the table and started to rise from her seat. Myka appeared genuinely confused at Vanessa's actions.

"Wait. What's happening here?" Vanessa paused as she realized she had acted with impulse.

"I'm sorry. Nevermind."

"Well, you can't say nevermind now. I have never seen you ever attempt to storm off in the six years I have known you. Not during midterms, finals, or the boyfriend stealing, back-stabbing Amanda." Vanessa blinked slowly as she felt the heat from her face. She was beyond embarrassed and felt idiotic to have put so much clout on a note from an anonymous author.

"I think I'm just a victim of a modern chain letter. Forget it, I'm so embarrassed and flustered about it as it is." Vanessa dismissed the subject as the two friends reminisced about past boyfriends and Amanda. She felt relieved that she could equate the note to a chain letter.

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Vanessa lounged in bed, chewing her pen while trying to complete a crossword puzzle. She longed for her weekends when she was able to do this because she didn't have to rush around. She could welcome the sunlight that warmed up her legs while she sat in bed. Ben emerged from the kitchen with a cup of coffee.

"Thought I would leave this with you before I head out." He kissed her on the forehead and smiled. "You are welcome to join me if you want." He went to the gym religiously on Saturday afternoons as well as Monday and Wednesday nights. He woke up and left every day at the same time. His cologne, his haircut, and his shave were all the same. He ordered the same items from the same restaurants every time. He even had his usual television shows, podcasts, artists, and authors that he frequently enjoyed. With a man this routine, it was hard to fathom that he would be concealing anything from her.

She eyed the box on the shelf in her closet. She knew he would be home in an hour like clockwork. The deadline was looming closer for her to make a decision. She could be twenty thousand dollars richer, or, on the other hand, be the recipient of potentially life-altering information. What could she learn that would make her look at Ben differently? Would that make her love him less? She pulled the box down from the shelf and walked slowly to the living room. It would be so quick to just read the contents she told herself. It could also harm her relationship with Ben.

She snatched the little black book out of the box and took it to the shredder they had purchased for protection against identity theft. She turned it on and shoved it in the shredder with the help of a ruler. She sat back as the shredder spit out ribbons of the pages. She suddenly worried if that was enough to qualify as the destruction of the little black book as someone could still probably read the contents. She closed her eyes and took the shredder to the fireplace in the living room where she promptly dumped the contents inside. She desperately searched for the rarely used matchbook that she thought was stored in the kitchen junk drawer. She tore through every drawer in the kitchen and started to scour the living room determined to destroy the book while she had the motivation. She was about to just give in and run to the convenience store around the corner when she spotted the desired matchbox on the mantel. She lit a match and hurriedly threw it in when she saw tiny burnt scraps of paper already in the fireplace. A revelation occurred as she realized she might not have been the only one to have been tasked with the choice of reading the little black book or receiving twenty thousand dollars. A smile crept over her face as Ben opened the door unaware of what had just transpired.