That Doesn't Work For Me

It's five o'clock on Friday night. For the last five hours you've been fantasizing about kicking your feet up with your favorite beverage, curling up on your couch, and diving into that book you just can't put down. It has been a LONG week, and you just want to get home, slip into your comfy clothes and shut the world out. You are minutes away from taking this fantasy one step closer to reality, when your coworker pokes their head around the corner and asks if you can stay late to help them finish THEIR work. You like being a team player, but this person has a habit of taking the credit for work they conned other people into doing for them. You've helped them before, because that's what you do. It's easier on everyone else if you pick up the slack and don't complain about it. Maybe this exact scenario doesn't fit you, but if you're anything like me, you can relate.

It's nice to feel helpful and needed, but nobody likes to feel like a doormat, so to speak. What if I told you that one simple phrase could change your life? You can still be the helpful person you enjoy being while setting healthy boundaries for yourself. In fact, these five magic words might even gain you some respect while you start putting yourself first, instead of that negative reaction you dread each time you would rather say no (which is why you rarely do). Good news, this delightful phrase allows you to avoid saying the word NO entirely, while still maintaining a pleasant demeanor, without coming across as a Negative Nancy.

Communicating your needs to someone else should never make you feel badly. We all have needs. Some things work for some people while other things don't. It's that simple. You don't owe anyone an apology or an explanation. If you really aren't up for something, no matter what it is, all you need to say is "That doesn't work for me.". That should be the end of it, but we all know reality doesn't work quite like that.

People will do idiotic things to try and convince you to do whatever it is they are asking. I know it's happened to most of you at least once. If a person persists after you have told them you aren't able to assist them, just repeat yourself. That is exactly what they are doing. They are asking you the same question, disguised in different words, hoping to receive a different answer from you. But you MUST stick to your original response. Say it again. "That doesn't work for me". Say nothing else. Don't lead in with an "I'm sorry". Don't conclude with "maybe another time" (unless you really mean it). I encourage you to stick with with these five simple words until the person stops harassing you.

This phrase works. I didn't believe it would at first. But it does. Why does it work so well? The reasons are as simple as the phrase itself. It doesn't work for you. It doesn't sound like a bullshit excuse to get out of doing something you'd rather not. It's honest. It shows people that you have healthy, personal boundaries. It is short and to the point. It is assertive without sounding aggressive. Most importantly, nobody can rightly argue with you. If they are pushy enough to ask you why, remember that you do not owe them an explanation. If you feel like you need to say something else, There is one amazing way to disarm even the most unrelenting jerk. Here it is. "Thank you for your consideration, but this/that doesn't work for me."

You have just thanked them for their consideration and acknowledgement of your capability to do whatever it is they are asking, and you have simultaneously shown them that you value and respect your own agenda without apology. If that isn't a win-win, I don't know what is. Thanking them for the opportunity shows them that you appreciate their confidence in your abilities. Reaffirming that their offer doesn't work for you shows them that you are a person who will not give in to manipulation. More often that not, a person will have greater respect for you when you show them that you respect yourself and politely decline a request that you cannot or do not want to accommodate.

I am not encouraging you to refrain from saying yes if it is within your parameters to help someone out. I am letting you know that there is no need to ever say yes because you feel like you have to. Saying something doesn't work for you should never make you feel guilty. Sometimes things just aren't in the cards. People will respect you more when they realize you stick to your boundaries. Another bonus is that people exhibiting healthy personal boundaries naturally attract others who exhibit healthy personal boundaries. People with healthy boundaries respect other people's healthy boundaries. Like minded people tend to attract one another.

For all of you thinking you can use this phrase to get out of the things we all must do to live a healthy, productive, adult life, I'm sorry to burst your bubble. There are certain things we all must do that we don't necessarily enjoy doing: taking out the trash, paying bills, leaving the house with pants on, etc. You should never say this phrase to an officer if you are about to be arrested for breaking the law. The law may not work for your lifestyle, but you are legally bound to respect and obey the law at all times. This phrase is only useful when you don't want to do something you aren't required to do. This magic phrase is for the people who don't feel comfortable just saying no. This phrase is also for the people who immediately go to the opposite extreme by telling whoever to !@#$ off.

"That doesn't work for me" evokes a feeling of empathy instead of desperation or hostility. It is a non-aggressive way to inform the party requesting your services that you are unable to accommodate them. If they continue to badger you after you have politely declined, simply say, "This is unacceptable and I meant what I said." If you're anything like me, you might add "Are you by-golly deaf?", but feel free to coin your own polite, emphatic phrase to ensure they heard your correctly and understand that you will not be swayed to do their bidding.

This five word phrase is a magic key that opens the door to doing things you feel good about, and feeling good about what you choose to do. "That doesn't work for me" puts the power of saying NO in a pretty little package that shouldn't offend anyone. Being assertive doesn't come easy to everyone. It sure didn't come easy for me.

Being assertive does not make you (any negative term you'd like to insert here). Being assertive shows the people around you that YOU are a priority to yourself. Making yourself a priority is not selfish. Knowing your limits and sticking to them is a healthy behavior. Anyone who tries to put you down for that is likely lacking the skills to set healthy boundaries for themselves. If you aren't making time to take care of your own needs, you will lack the energy and motivation to give 100% of your effort and attention to the activities you want to excel at.

Boundaries are a part of life. Everyone should have them, and they should be respected. It's crazy how many people I know over-extend themselves to the point that they are not excelling in any area of their life. They are barely keeping their head above water because they attend to everyone else's needs before they attend to their own needs. This is not doing them any favors. Their work life suffers, their family suffers and THEY suffer because they are spreading themselves too thin.

Allow yourself to be human. Tell people when you are overwhelmed. I mean, put the effort in to be the best version of yourself, but don't let people take advantage of you just because you want to be liked or acknowledged. Once these assholes get you to do more than your fair share, they wont like you any better, They'll just expect you to continue to do more and more until you reach a breaking point. I've been there. Its not pleasant. If I knew then what these five simple words could have done for me, I would have used them.

People brag about multitasking, but if you look closely, they are usually doing a passable job juggling too many things at once. Nothing stands out. They are stressed and frazzled. Often times, they come across as terse and agitated. Is that something to be proud of? I know I avoid people like that. I have found that devoting myself to a few crucial elements in my life is more gratifying for me and serves me better in my professional and personal life. Maybe you're wiz and can do all of the things all of the time. I can't. I know I'm not alone.

Don't be afraid to admit that you have limitations or a life outside of work, kids, school, whatever. People will ultimately respect you for being honest. They will be even more grateful when you follow through on an extra assignment that you knock out of the park when you have the time and energy to do it right. Be proud of yourself and your unique abilities. Don't be afraid to turn something down if you know you cant give it your best. Whatever you decide, be true to yourself.

If you enjoyed this article, follow me @MissWendy1980 . Until next time, dear readers. Be kind to yourself and others. Enjoy the rest of your day!