That Dark Cloud Still Lingers

8:48 a.m. Sunday

I am sitting here trying to figure out how to finish a story I had started around two months ago. I can not figure out what to add to the story as my mind is rushing on just to a type of way on nonsince. I have been writing on "iwriter," in which case I get paid every week on Tuesday's but it isn't much. My experience with the platform so far sucks ass.

Why Does "iwriter" Suck?

Well, I started on the premium level, which was exciting and pretty cool. And to move up, you need 30 articles that are rated five stars by the clients so you can move up to the next level, and for it would have been Elite, and I would have made around $9.18 for 500 words. So out of my 51 articles that I have got paid for, over 31 of those were rated five stars. And I do not move premium is where I stay. Their reasoning was because I need a diversity of clients. Now, I have made in a month is close to 400 but not quite. So now, I am looking for something that will pay way more than $3.90 for 500 words or more than $7.48 for 1000 words. That is a lot of work and barely getting paid anything. But, it is excellent for beginners as I have learned a lot from "iwriter" and "Vocal."

9:05 a.m. Still Sunday Morning

Now, this is not a content mill review, but I should probably think about doing that. My reason for writing my journal is I do believe I am depressed as hell. As I can not bring up what is bothering me to my boyfriend, which is my ex-husband will start bitching. But, my depression is getting bad enough to where I do not eat for two days, and even when I get weak, I still do not want to eat, and all I want to do is lay in the bed searching my phone or my laptop.

The Reason For The Dark Cloud That Lingers Over Me

I thought I had the guts to be the woman my mother and father (stepdad) had raised to stand up for myself. Still confusing. Well, let me break it down. While Chuck and I were married, I was damned if I did and Damned if I didn't, my parents and Chuck constantly butt heads, and like my mom, at times, it feels like she tries to run my life, and I am 35, not 10. I still miss going around when I am not so pissed anymore. I mean, come on, that is my parents. My dad is black, and he thinks Chuck does not like Black people, so I am not allowed around because of that. Nope! It is my mother and some of her craziness.

All I keep thinking about is I lost my grandparents last year three days apart, then within a couple of months later, one of my favorite aunts had passed. Yes, this was my mother's parents and sister. There is so much in the world going on, like the scare of Covid-19. And the fear of everything going wrong in the world as we are not promised tomorrow. If something happens to my mother, father, brothers, or Me, no one had a chance to say goodbye. If it was them to go first, I have to live with that, and I know it will drive me crazy.

So, as I push every emotion deep down like it doesn't exist, I can feel myself crying deep from my core. I start remembering when Chuck and I were divorced, and I had remarried, and I lifted a couple of streets from mom, and I had the run of the house. I went to Mom's when I wanted to. I was so happy, even though mom and I had our moments, and they would piss me off. But that is what mothers are for and as I think about my children who miss their grandparents dearly. They are growing up. My oldest will be leaving home soon, and I am scared it will happen to me.

I don't want my babies to leave the house because never seeing them again is terrifying. So, I can almost put myself in her shoes, and I know she hurts, and I know I would break. I would also panic. Reality starts to hit. When they are all grown up and out of the house, the worrying will never stop. Are they safe? Did they eat enough? All the everyday worries of a mother I know will be more intense when they all move out. All I can do is pray, trust and believe they will be ok. As I try to write this journal entry, it is hard not to cry and let some emotion out as it is just my youngest daughter and me in the room watching YouTube. She sees me crying; I lie and tell her I am ok. I am just really into the story that I am writing.