Thanks Ladies

So normally I write privately because it helps in my recovery and I feel like I kind of have a knack for it you could say. I mean I feel like I do at least, grammatically not so much. But I wrote this as I feel like I am so out of touch with the world but yet so in tune. Now being a 31 year old recovering drug addict who lost everything including his own dignity and it feels as if the entire world hates me but I truly have no idea why. I mean I already know that being trapped in an environment of ruthless, drug fueled, complete disregard and such ignorance into living feeling hopeless and forgotten about. It's so crazy to think I was living from hotel to hotel, a backpack boy, walking all over the city, and If I wasn't walking, I was working for a guy who still owes me money, but still working essentially for free, still working. I always was instilled growing up to work.

My parents worked hard and moved here to work in the airlines. I never showed the love I have for my parents even up to this day, but I haven't made it the easiest for anyone to deal with me. Growing up getting to fly everywhere was pretty neat, sneaking your peasant self up into first class on those days you get to, sneakily laughing thinking into your head “Haa! Keep walking! With your broke ass ( as I would say now, If i was even get to fly anymore, in my dreams as I am the broke one now) But I would grow up going to work with my parents some days, my mom working in a reservation office down the street. I remember sitting there endless finding my nose to get into some sort of trouble. I live dangerously, even as a child, yet still acknowledging that results have consequences, so I better keep everything tip top magoo as Uncle Joey would say. I don’t have an Uncle Joey, but I have an Uncle Tom and Aunt Jill. Aunt Jill was always the sweetest one with your northern voice I always remember when we went to Ohio to visit my grandpa, grandma was already gone by the time my memories formed. But anyways, sorry I am sort of on my triple time tangent thought process. I am kind of like a dog, SQUIRREL. But as my life seems like it is right now, everything is oddly connected. Some sort of transference in the universe is occurring to align the “mercury retrograde”. Anyways, I remember seeing all the women at my moms work and as they so lovingly called me “ The Pillsbury Doughboy”, but always teasing me having a good time, I mean they have to sit on calls talking to angry assholes trying to see if they can get a seat for a casket, or throw a kayak in the overhead bins. I mean come on, a kayak, that is actually call I remember which is crazy because I have used an ungodly amount of drugs.

Growing up they always cooked and had potlucks which I always made sure that I would make it up there with my fatass little kid self. The chunky funky one always having a good time, causing a ruckus, thinking outside the box. I mean I always had to think outside the box being a little different and analytical but always trying to be respectful and kind. Yeah I have my problem, but I never want to make my problems someone else's even though unfortunately I have had to make it that way. I am writing this in reflection of essentially who I have encountered in my life, because your job is such a complex one in reality. I mean number one as a woman you have to be adaptive to all the stuff men throw at you on top of motherhood and marriage. Its got to be difficult because men are already assholes and you have to use everything you got to get what you want, too bad not all of us received the memo about the TPS reports. SQUIRREL.

Everyone I come across I like to at least try my best to be a good person, sometimes I slip up but dont we all mess up a little. If I can make someone's day a little better, even if it makes mine harder, I like to do that. But one of the problems I faced is that I have suffered from a pretty severe drug addiction. I have experienced more than most and most of my problems are self imposed imprisonment. I have kept myself in the box for a long ass time, making more work than I need to, causing more and more problems along the way, not even truly understanding where my troubles lie. Especially when i am so disconnected with reality because I am not focused on getting likes, or comments because not many in my family or close circle truly understand all the differences we have in the world. But anyways back to you ladies, yall keep up the good work, and thanks again. But another person I have to thank is definitely my kids mom, who although we don't see eye to eye and I haven’t gotten to see my own child in years, which once again, self imposed form of destruction. I had to unfortunately abandon my home and family and child, really in essence to protect him. I was so hurt and lost after losing him and I never truly recovered leaving his life.

I turned to drugs and lost myself along the way. Now I did meet a couple of you ladies along the way and I truly hope I didn’t seem like a complete narcissistic asshole, I really just think a little different and it might seem weird, but hey, I like to have a good time too.

Somehow I would always love having a conversation with any woman I came across, respecting all of them, serving me beer, in my favorite breastaurants being my therapists, being the reason I loved to be a social butterfly. I love just hearing someone talk about their lives and finding one connection that I can relate to because I can relate to a lot of things being a free spirited, worldly, sophisticatedly simple individual. But really getting to see people grow everyday and just being personal with them and getting to know them as a person not as an object. Seeing everyone grow in skills whether personal, interpersonal, work, or just overall general personality really is a cool thing to see, unfortunately I don’t get to see that anymore because nobody reaches out to me anymore. I kind of just gave up on trying to contact people anymore when you just don’t get any response. I try to be better everyday to hopefully be able to be there for my son especially since I see all these hardworking women working their ass off for their kids, something I always truly wanted.

But one of the most common things that I found is that motherhood had consumed the majority of it all. Still working, still mothering, still paying for all they do, and taking time for themselves. If you could only understand my line of thinking then you would understand that my thoughts overcome reasonable responses to words that trigger different different lines of thinking. But one constant of these is that they all pretty much had children. Some had children with them, some didn’t, some didn’t even have custody. But one thing they did do is love their children, no matter the circumstance. So in honor of any woman I ever encountered from my kindergarten teacher to my ex to the old lady checking me out at Aldi, to my Aunts, to my grandmother (RIP,RIP), to Ellen the Felon, to Rebekkah, to Panda opening her door to me giving me a place to live when she was already dealing with enough on her plate and trying to keep her brother good, to my ex for teaching me patience, to my kids mom for me being a deadbeat asshole lost seeking an answer for my son, to the lady who was working the streets to be able to get custody back for her kids and to pay her families rent, to the lady who served me dope and watched my back because I always took care of her, to the lady who made my smoothie after working out, to the baddie looking good hitting the band squats at the gym, even the one who pulled the pistol out after turning into me.

Really without strong women, us men would be completely lost morons wandering aimlessly seeking answers right in front of us... But yet sometimes the destructive nature of our past stays convergent into the future. But with a positive outlook, while being HIV positive and having hopes and faiths of strong values mixed with always seeking growth and trying to better everyday no matter the circumstance, it always helps to be able to have that motherly love we all should have received one point in our life or another.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know a woman but if you see one who looks like she might need a hand, even if she doesn’t, because women are strong independent women, always ask because you never know, maybe just being friendly and making someone smile can make their day.

I love all of you women in my life including my mom especially and sister and just all of you pushing me more and more with me not knowing a dam thing

Thanks again ladies =)