Thank you, COVID-19

‘‘Attention, attention! Schools, cafes, stores and many other objects are going to be closed in the next two weeks, starting tomorrow, March 13th 2020, due to the new Corona virus!’’

I still remember this breaking news. How can’t I? The only thing I am sure about is that I will be forever thankful for those ‘two weeks’ lasting much longer than it was predicted. Do not call this pandemic stupid. It is not, at least for me. It is my biggest treasure. The truth is, pandemic really stole so many lives but she gifted me with another, unexpected one, which entered my life silently. It infected me more than any virus ever could. There was no place, during pandemic, where I could hang out except the park in my neighborhood where I saw him. ‘’What a weirdo!’’ I kept telling to myself. ‘’Why is that guy always strange, mysterious and not fitting in?’’. Without a doubt, that was my enigma I needed to solve. Day by day, information was coming to me or I put the hard work to find out something new about him. He was 24, at that point, and I was 16. The age gap was the last thing I cared about…or I didn’t want it to ruin my expectations and plans. ‘’Numbers really don’t matter!’’, my brain cells were repeating. We started saying ‘‘Hi’’ to each other which was really a big deal to a 16-year-old girl, especially if it’s coming from an older guy.

‘‘I saw you playing volleyball in the park and I really like how loud you are. What’s up, how are you doing? Is it okay that I’m texting you, having in mind that I’m 8 years older?’’was the message from him on May 19th.

Oh Gosh, of course I remember all these dates. ‘‘To be honest, I don’t care as long as you’re kind and polite. A lot of people told me that I’m mature so it’s sometimes hard to tell if I’m 16 or 26 year old.’’ I responded. Looks like I really wanted him to think how self-confident I am. He texted me at 4 PM and we were texting until 7 AM the next day. Crazy, I know. Vocabulary becomes my biggest enemy when I have to explain how I am feeling about him because of the weight of all those emotions but I’m really not lying when I say there was something special about him. It took me only two months to realize he is the right one…how? The key is, you don’t know, it just happens. Texting felt like an addiction. When I had to wait more than five minutes for his respond, I was shaking. After some time, we finally went out. It was not a classic date because despite my confidence, he was my first older guy and I didn’t feel comfortable and confident as I usually do. However, it was amazing and then…it happened. We kissed. At that moment, everything stopped besides my thoughts. ‘’ I want to marry him, I want this to last forever, I must be so hot because I got him to like me, What if he just wants to use me?’’. No, I won’t say that he touched me and looked me into my eyes so everything was okay. It was not. Something was mysterious about all these feelings and thoughts I had and, of course, I had to figure it out. It was my insecurity and the pressure I put on myself. My toxic trait is that I have to be the best in everything I’m doing so he was another challenge. I wanted to lose my virginity with him. Yes, that was my wish. He didn’t even make me think about that, I was the one who found that as a great solution to achieve my goal.

‘’Are you sure you want this?’’

‘’Yes, I trust you…you are older than me and more experienced, too.’’

‘’ Alright. I’ll be gentle. Let me know if you want me to stop.’’

I enjoyed it. Every single day after that night, I was waking up with the same thought: ‘’Oh, I’m not a virgin anymore! I lost my virginity to the older, really good-looking guy!’’ We continued to hang out in the park where we met but we were acting like we’re just friends. I mean, weren’t we exactly that? We didn’t make anything official but I wish we did. Even though I was still scared that it’ll be weird because of the age gap, I wanted him to be my boyfriend. That was just another thing that made him more special. I was never a ‘‘relationship type of girl’’ but was ready to put effort in a relationship with him. In reality, I just wanted him only for myself and him to be only mine. Day by day, month by month, Corona situation was getting better. I got back to school, he got back to work and nobody was in the park anymore. We were, kind of, still in touch but we stopped seeing each other like we used to do. It usually makes people to distance from each other but that was not the case with me. From December 2020 until March 2021 my mental health was a hell. The constant questions in my head were ‘’Why? What did I do to make him stop contacting me, liking me? Is there another girl? Was he just using me for sex?’’ Suddenly, the summer of 2021 changed everything. Don’t ask me what, why or how because I don’t want to know. Thanks to night out and us suddenly meeting, the situation between us became a little bit different.

‘’Hey shorty, I can see you on the podium. You’re a little bit drunk, aren’t you? I can’t let you go home alone, so when are you leaving?’’ he asked.

‘’Oh, you want me to go with you? Like you and me, together? We can leave in 10.’’ is how I answered with an enormous excitement, even though I could’ve stayed much longer in the club. The only thing I wanted to do is to enjoy because that happened and we finally got a chance to start over. We were hanging out nearly every day during the summer and staying outside until the Sun rose. That night, after clubbing, he destroyed me.

‘’I wanted to ask my ex girlfriend if she wants to go out with me, we kind of broke up without enough explanation and I think I miss her.’’

‘’Oh…sure. Why are you doing that, it has been almost three years since you broke up with her?’’

‘’It doesn’t matter, maybe we can start again because I’ve only felt that emotional connection when I was with her. I don’t want to be alone again.’’

‘’And you have never felt like that again? There was no other girl who made you feel like she is your potential new girlfriend?’’

‘’No, not really. You can’t trust these hoes today, they’re all the same. I’m definitely going to contact her. It’s 6 AM, we should go home. Bye Nina!’’

Just like that, I was hurt again. Sadness, overthinking and bad thoughts couldn’t leave me. However, it is hard to explain, but inner me didn’t want me to give up. Or maybe I was just too scared…can’t really tell. Few days later, he told me he actually didn’t call his ex out and that the idea was terrible. We continued talking and going out. I was having ups and downs through the whole our ‘’situationship’’. Things started getting spicier in the summer of 2022. That was the hardest period of my life, mentally. I was preparing for my college period of life, in United States of America. Flight over the ocean, life on the other continent, 8 000 km far from home…and the biggest issue- not defined relationship with him. ‘’Should I cut him off from my life? Is it time for me to start a new page, without him? No, I want him. What if I come back here and find him with another girl? It is too late to become official with him now.’’ and many other thoughts were torturing my mind. I was supposed to enjoy in my excitement for coming in USA but my brain had other plans. Everything was pretty much clear to me-he has no feelings and emotions, if he wanted to, he would say or do something about us. Even the fact that we kept in touch for two whole years couldn’t encourage or comfort me. That’s it. It is time to forget about us being ‘’a thing’’ because it is definitely not going to happen. Of course, we saw each other my last night in Bosnia. I cried like a baby but still didn’t tell him that I have feelings for him. The thing is, I just wanted to enjoy our last moments ever. Tomorrow morning, I left. We were in touch during my whole flight. When I arrived, I showed him my dorm, my friends, my school…he knew every single thing that was related to me in USA. That was suspicious, I have to admit. Honestly, I thought he just wanted to be polite but our conversations got more interesting and intensive. On August 17th 2022, our conversation had special shape.

‘’You know I can’t lose you. Even if you think that I’m heartless, I’m not. I have feelings for you Nina. Yes, I hate that I’m doing this know when you’ve already left but I guess I realized how much I need you when you’re not around. Please, let’s try. It’s going to be hard but I’m ready for it. I want us to build something together and try to improve our life, as a couple. Nina, I want to grow with you and I want you to grow with me, so bad. I want us to do everything together and not to give up even when it’s hard. Oh Gosh…I have to say it…Fuck…I love you. I love you my little stinky baby. Be mine, please?’’

‘’It is finally happening. Do you know how much I’ve been waiting for this day to come? Everyone was telling me to leave you and forget you and my brain did, too, but heart was saying something else. From this moment, just let me love you and, trust me, you’ll never regret making this decision…and yes, I love you too. I’ll be yours just like I’ve always been even in those days you weren’t aware of that. Me? Overthinking us? It’s done. We are not an imagination anymore but an official couple.’’

That is how everything officially started. I couldn’t imagine that will happen only 13 days after I’ve arrived. I’ve been waiting for this since the day we kissed. More than two years. I’m not going to lie, I cried and those were tears of joy. The only thing that was left is to count how many days are left until I come back home. COVID-19, thank you. Thank you for a whole, new, ENORMOUS life lesson. Thank you for him, who taught me how to discover myself. Thank you that I had no choice but to spend my Corona time days in the park where I met him. This journey of the two of us is the craziest rollercoaster and I can tell that I’m waiting for new experiences with him with a crazy amount of excitement.