Ten things I learned after I got cheated on

First of all, if you're reading this because you got cheated on, I'm sorry. Every story is different, and so is every recovery. For me, recovery came through a series of hard lessons. I'm hoping my experience can help someone else as they work through their feelings and try to process their relationship after discovering their partner has been unfaithful.

Here are ten things I learned after I was cheated on.

1. If at all possible, keep an emergency fund.

The first time my ex cheated, I didn't leave. We shared a condo, and I was worried about where I was going to live. While we were working things out with an online therapist, I started saving up a "Fuck-off fund"- just in case. The second time it happened, I didn't hesitate to leave; and I could afford to stay anywhere I wanted.

The point being: your boring, material needs (food and shelter) are going to come first when life throws you this kind of curve-ball. If you can save up an emergency fund at any point in your life, do it. The next time you're in a bind, don't worry about tapping into it - that's what it's there for. When I caught him cheating again, I didn't have to worry about where I was going to go. I already had a deposit saved up to rent my next apartment. My emergency fund helped me preserve a bit of my sanity by helping me get a clean break. And yes, I'm currently saving up another fuck-off fund.

2. My friends and family have my back.

My ex was the sort of guy who instantly lit up a room and got the party going. He was charming. In comparison, I've always been sort of awkward and quiet. Over the course of the relationship. I slowly began to believe that everyone liked him better than me. I thought my friends liked him more than me, and I even suspected my family enjoyed his company more than mine.

The night we broke up, I was terrified as I texted people to tell them what had happened. How would they respond? Would they blame me for the breakup somehow? Would they be disappointed in me?

Nope. They cut my ex out of their lives immediately. They believed me, and they chose me, no questions asked. They made sure I was eating (which was difficult for me, especially the first week). They made sure I wasn't alone. They let me vent. Most importantly, they loved me when I was a complete mess.

The fact is, a lot of cheaters are very charming and likeable people. Their suave demeanour can make it easy for them to manipulate people and lie. If you're dealing with this sort of person, don't think that no one else has seen through them. Reach out for support from your loved ones, and you might be surprised to hear what they really thought of your ex.

3. You can't control whether someone cheats on you.

The first time he cheated, I couldn't let go of the idea that I drove him to do it. I actually cried thinking about all the times I hadn't filled up the water jug before putting it back in the fridge- that must have been so annoying for him. I was in a lot of pain, and I thought that if I was the perfect girlfriend, he wouldn't put me through that kind of pain again. I became frantic about cleaning the condo; kissing him the way that he liked; and never, ever complaining.

Guess what? I could have saved myself all that effort. Of course he did it again.

You can't control whether someone cheats on you. It has everything to do with the other person's selfishness, lack of awareness, or whatever other personal issues they might have.

It can be scary to accept that getting cheated on is out of your control, because it means that there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. For me, it was equally scary to accept that I didn't get to choose whether I was going to have "trust issues" in future relationships. Ultimately, we don't control whether or not we have trauma. However, it's important to remember that you are just as lovable and worthy with trauma as you were without it.

4. Actions speak louder than words.

My ex said a lot of things to me from the time he first cheated to the final goodbye. He told me that he was never going to speak to the other woman again, that he loved me, and that he was sorry.

He also said a lot of things to the other woman. He told her that he was always thinking about her, that he loved her, and that they were destined to be together.

When I confronted him with screenshots, he said "But you're the one I want to marry!" Why did he say that? Because he knew it's what I wanted to hear.

But what did he do to back up all those empty words? Was he the one booking the therapy appointments? Nope. Doing what the therapist asked? Nah. Checking in with me and asking what I needed? No. His behaviour didn't reflect the things he was saying at all.

My best advice if you're breaking up with a cheating ex is to go no contact. Don't give them the opportunity to sweet-talk you. Words are cheap, even cheaper to a liar.

5. Boundaries are paramount.

You might be able to read between the lines here and notice that I'm still working on forgiveness towards my ex. Even when I make it to a point where I completely forgive him, I will never be letting him back into my life.

About a week after our breakup, I got a lengthy text from each one of his parents about how sorry my ex was and that hopefully "our paths [would] cross again". I replied to each with a singular word: "Okay". It was hard; I know it isn't his parent's fault. But I don't want to maintain a relationship with them. I think they got the message.

Six months after the breakup, I was shocked when my ex texted me on my birthday to tell me about how his friend was getting married that weekend. I texted back politely saying I only wanted to hear from him if my mail was going to his place by accident.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean that they have to be a part of your life going forward. My life is more peaceful without my ex.

6. The importance of self-love

Prioritising self-care after my breakup was hard for me. When there was no one around, and I wasn't disturbing anybody, I still found it difficult to do things like meditate or eat a healthy snack. I felt on some deep level that I didn't deserve those things.

I recently heard the term "self-like", which somehow feels more accessible. For me, liking myself means taking care of my needs, and also validating those little aspects of myself I've kept hidden to make other people comfortable. Sometimes I don't fit the mould of who I think I'm supposed to be, and I need to remind myself that being different can be a good thing.

Even when I have made mistakes I am still worthy of love. No one else, nothing else, determines whether I am worthy of love. I simply am.

If you've been cheated on, find little ways to like yourself. It could be eating a healthy breakfast, meditating, getting exercise, or getting into a hobby you'd stopped doing when you were with your ex. Make time for something that makes you happy, and remind yourself that you deserve it.

7. He didn't go for someone prettier, or smarter, or better...

He went for someone easier.

Easier to lie to, manipulate, whatever it was. The advice here is not to obsess over the person he cheated with.

I'm still working on not obsessing over the affair partner. I made the mistake of looking her up on Twitter. She had a billion tweets that basically made her sound like a deep philosophical genius, and my ex had been liking these tweets for over a year. I didn't even know my ex had a Twitter. His profile photo is a picture we took together with my face cropped out.

One of her tweets stung. It said, "Loyalty is everything". If I could go back in time, I would not have googled her.

If you (like me) made the mistake of looking up the affair partner, please remember that social media isn't reality. If you like yourself (see #6) you won't make yourself look at their carefully curated online persona. It's fake anyways.

8. I learned what forgiveness means to me.

I'm still working on forgiveness. But I have learned a lot about it in the process. I used to think forgiving meant forgetting. I used to think that when you'd forgiven somebody, you'd wiped your memory of whatever bad thing they'd done.

But forgiveness is actually something completely different. It's something you do for yourself, not for the person who hurt you. It's about not letting the way someone has treated you undermine your self-worth and hold you back. It's about letting that other person off the hook. It's about giving up all hope of a better past.

I want to be able to look back at the happy memories I shared with my ex and think about the person I was back then and feel nostalgia and gratitude, instead of wondering who he really was.

Overall, you should work on forgiveness when you are ready and for your own peace of mind.

9. A lack of fighting does not mean a lack of conflict.

Maybe it sounds silly because it was the second time, but the second time I found out my ex was cheating, I was totally blindsided. We had already gone to therapy about it! He saw what it did to me the first time, and had promised it was never going to happen again. And we hadn't fought since.

But sometimes things still felt off. He knew that I got uncomfortable when he hung out with his ex-girlfriend, and he did it anyways and made me come along. We even went on double dates with his ex and her new guy. We had fought about it early in our relationship, but after a few years, I felt like starting another fight over it was pointless. I knew how it would play out. He would simply dismiss me as crazy and jealous. "You can't have a relationship without trust, so what does it mean when you don't trust me?", he would say. I should still have fought with him. I had reason to.

When my auntie passed away, I couldn't attend the funeral due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and the livestream of my tiny rural hometown church didn't work despite multiple restarts. As I watched the Youtube loading icon spin for the zillionth time in frustration and despair, I burst into tears. He simply sat there. Numb. Saying nothing. When I told him I couldn't believe that was his response to me not being able to see or go to the funeral, he shrugged it off. We should have had a fight then.

I can think of countless examples like the ones above. Our relationship was marked by a complete lack of fighting. I mistook this for compatibility at the time, but now I believe my ex may have been stonewalling.

Problems are unavoidable in a relationship, and they don't go away on their own. If you fight, you fight. Of course you don't want your fights to lead you to break up, but breaking up is better than someone escaping into an affair.

10. It wasn't wasted time.

I made big life decisions about my career and where I lived on the assumption that my ex and I would spend the rest of our lives together. Because of my relationship, I was left working a job I disliked in a city I wasn't sure I wanted to live in. I sometimes felt as though I was drifting with nothing to hold on to. I felt resentment.

I'm still picking up the pieces. But as I do, I'm realizing that it wasn't wasted time. I made friends where I live and gained important experience at my job. I'm applying to different jobs now, and I have the flexibility of being able to move anywhere. I have a clean slate, and I'm starting a new journey armed with the lessons I learned from my breakup.

Someday the thought of my cheating ex won't sting as much, and he will be part of the story about how I got from a dark place to a happy one.