Talking to myself.

I know this time of year is all about setting goals and resolutions, but it's hard to think about personal achievement, when you feel the entire world is on the brink of collapse. Not that I've ever been good at determining the direction of my own life. I have yet to find my purpose or passion. I feel like I just tag alongside the current of life instead of feeling its electricity arc inside of me.

The one thing I can say I truly enjoy is philosophy, but all that really achieves is me sitting around and thinking all day. I flow with my thoughts the way I flow with my life, I go where they take me without much resistance. I'm more concerned with the experience of the moment than I am with the final destination. Mainly because I have no idea where, or what that is. I can never make my mind up as to what I want. I find making choices a very hard thing to do, always fearful that I'm about to make the wrong one. So I end up letting 'the universe' decide for me instead. I can't say if it's been for the best or not. I can't decide. It certainly hasn't gotten me into any serious trouble. I'm still alive, without any major scars or drama and with amazing memories to boot. But I feel like there is something bigger out there still waiting for me. I also feel like I should have found it by now. It's like I'm missing something but I don't know what it is.

I read an interesting theory the other day. It stated that we are all souls having a physical experience. That the soul resides in a non-physical realm and that we are connected to it via our consciousness, which acts as a kind of tunnel connecting your body to your higher nature. According to the theory it is this soul which directs the events of your life. It is this soul which decides what experiences it needs in order to grow and evolve. Apparently we can also communicate with that soul and ask for it to tweak our reality in any way we wish. Like praying, but to yourself instead of an outside entity, defined by a self appointed religious authority.

So with that in mind I guess what I am writing now is addressed to you, my soul.

I have always trusted you to steer me in the right direction. I have always tried to spot your signs and cues as to the right thing to do. You have certainly led me to some very interesting places, and faces, over the years. And I regret nothing that we have experienced together thus far. Even in those moments when darkness seemed to suffocate me, the path you laid beneath my feet remained solid ground. And for that, all I can do is be grateful.

But now I have to ask, 'what the hell is going on?'.

I feel like this past year all my fears have come true. Serves me right I guess for occupying my mind with thoughts of conspiracy, disappearing freedoms and the fight of Good against Evil. For some this is an organised agenda, for others it is a naturally evolving virus. The truth only ever really depends on the perspective you choose to have. In that respect, does the truth even exist?.

One thing is for sure though, the emotion of fear holds great power over one's life. If I think back on all the things I have feared and hoped for throughout my thirty-six years, the things I feared came to pass more often than the things I hoped for did. Like hoping for a grand love but fearing never finding it. Or hoping to discover my true purpose in life but fearing it will pass me by unnoticed. Or even, hoping to achieve an extraordinary life but fearing being nothing more than average by the time my last breath catches up to me.

I do not want my life to be a party of fear and missed opportunities. So I'm asking you now, my soul, give me the strength to see through my fear and only allow the power of hope to ride the waves of my mind.

I mean, you get what you put out in the world, right? At least that's what you, my soul, have led me to believe. I do my best to put good into the world, and granted a lot of good things have happened. But how do I get great things? I don't consider myself to be greedy or selfish, although I'm guessing you would be the judge of such things, but is it really too much to ask for a fulfilled life? I'm not asking for money or power, just an occupation that makes me believe you put me here for a reason other than your own amusement. Not that I'm complaining. We have had some very fun times. But I miss that drive and ambition I once had whilst getting to where I am now.

Some time ago my only desire was to have a good job that allowed me the time to focus on my dreams. And I have done that. I have the job, have had it for a while, but I seem to have lost sight of the dreams. I have put them on the back burner for so long, I no longer know what they are.

I have hobbies sure, lots of them but not one thing that compels me to devote my time to it. This past year would have felt very different if I had a dream that only required time to achieve. Instead I wasted it on sporadic DIY projects and monotonous days in front of the T.V.

My determination is seriously lacking. I only have myself to blame, but if you, my soul, wanted to throw some enthusiasm my way I would try not to put it to waste.

I do berate myself for not penning down that novel I always wanted to write, for not forcing myself to concentrate on finally creating the middle and end needed to complete a story. I always thought writing would be my passion but my inclinations have always led me astray from such a path. Why? I keep telling myself 'I just haven't found my writing style yet' or 'I just haven't come up with the right story yet'. And then I ask myself 'well, if I was meant to write, wouldn't I being doing it?'.

Maybe my problem isn't finding my passion, but rediscovering my drive for my passion? Yes, maybe that's the better ask. Soul, can I please have my ambition and determination back? It would help a lot, thanks.

Now, I don't know what kind of things you have control of from where you are but whilst I've got your attention, can we do something about the direction the world is going in right now? It would be really great if we could see some positive changes like politicians becoming honest, or multinational corporations putting lives before profits? Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where we all get along? Where we honour our differences instead of trying to stamp them out? And if none of that, then at least, can we start to treat this planet like it is the only one we have to live on?

I suppose all we can do in the end is resolve ourselves to doing the right thing if and when the choice is presented to us. And if I have to choose, I want to choose doing the right thing. Though the question then becomes 'what is the right thing?'. We all think we know but ultimately no-one does. It's like the blind leading the blind right now. This is proven by the sheer amount of craziness that has been happening globally for quite some time. I'm not just referring to this virus, but to the years before that with our constant wars, blatant cruelty and the slow extinction of any form of common sense.

Evolving, we are not.

So, I guess what I'm really trying to ask for here is the exponential growth of good will in humankind. You would think it a natural feat seen as the fate of our species is right there in our name. Humans being Kind. And that, I now realise, is my biggest hope for 2021. That we fulfil such a fate before it is indeed too late. And on this wish, I should probably finish...

But, dear soul of mine, with these last words I leave you instead. I truly thank you for the amazing experience you have given me so far, and for those that I know are yet to come. Please help me kick myself up the behind when I need to be more productive in achieving my dreams, whatever they may be. Allow me to follow a path of love without being diverted by the shadows of fear. And above all else, let this year be imbued with friends, laughter, kindness and common sense so that I may truly feel alive before this decaying world comes to its untimely death.

All My Love,

XOXO